Learning To Number My Days

[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]


SixTH POST IN THIS SERIES: FIRST PUBLISHED OCTOber 24, 2011

This experience, as a whole, has really shown me how I am wasting my time—and, wasting my life. I don’t want to leave my family, yet, but the truth is I’m just not ready to meet the Lord.

If the Lord calls me home on Wednesday, I will be ashamed to stand before Him. How will I account for my life? How could I possibly? There is so much more I want to do. I want to have a splendid crown to lay at His feet.

So, I ask the Lord for more time, yet, deep inside I suspect I’m all talk. I am facing Wednesday down with all this determination and motivation, but I am also starting to look at Thursday. How will I make the most of the days that follow?

Will I make sure they count?

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“So teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
(Psalm 90:12)

Signing Away My Life

[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]


fifth POST IN THIS SERIES: FIRST PUBLISHED OCTOBER 20, 2011

Well, not really, but it sure feels like it.

Today was a bunch of pre-op business and paper signing. It was a really hard day. Very long. Lots of blood taken. Lots of forewarning. Two EKGs, for crying out loud. (My heart is fine.) We left our house just before 10 a.m., and pulled into our drive-way just before 8 o’clock.

We did finally feel a strange relief, though, when it was all done.

Still, I am so freaked out by every aspect of this. A tube down my nose and throat? Possibly an epidural? Propofol? Really? They’re giving me the stuff that killed Michael Jackson?

I just hope I get lots of flowers. Lots of ’em.

And, I hope I don’t die. I told the Lord that as much as I would so love to be with Him, I just don’t want to leave my family, yet. Oh, it is so nice to think of being with Him, versus staying here. Really, who would want to stay here? Well, me. I’m just not ready to go.

I caught my husband looking at me towards the end of the last appointment. We’d been through so much by that point, so many explanations and questions, and he had such a look on his face. I wanted to smile at him, to make him feel better, like “I’m OK! It’s OK!” But, when I started to smile, I started to cry. I looked away and hoped he didn’t see my eyes fill-up. There are just so many emotions. It’s as if they all bubble up to the surface the moment you release one. Stoicism has its place. At least, it did today.

Until it was all over. And, then, there was relief. And, laughter. And, looking forward to being home with Hannah.

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Good & Bad

[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]


fourth POST IN THIS SERIES: FIRST PUBLISHED OCTOBER 18, 2011

BAD
It has been a crazy, emotional time.

GOOD & BAD
Eight days until surgery. Wednesday we will be at appointments all day: vascular specialist, anesthesiologist, and then the Big Cheese. I still cannot believe I am going to have my guts cut open. I imagine myself on the operating table, and it’s such an ugly picture. I am kind of glad I feel so bad, though, because it motivates me to go through with this.

I keep telling myself better health and strength is ahead.

At the same time, though, I just feel bad for myself and want to cry.

GOOD
Anemia is slightly improved. Enough to avoid a transfusion. So very glad for that. My blood thinning level wasn’t enough to warrant stopping the shots, but it is finally moving in the right direction.

BAD
I keep tell myself that one day this is all going to be old news. The past. Something that happened a long time ago. I’ll look back and it won’t be a big deal. I’ll laugh and say, “Yeah, it was THIS BIG!” Or, maybe, I’ll miss the time with Doug, driving into Boston on a sparkling, Fall day, right in the middle of the week. Maybe, one day, I’ll just think about how wonderful Hannah has been, without the fear my days with her are shorter than I think.

GOOD 
One of my nieces sent over a bunch of food today for our freezer. I am so touched. I mean, really, just blown away. I am quite emotional about it. Meals are like this incredible burden when someone in a house is in the hospital or very sick. So, having a meal in the freezer is huge.

BAD
My poor husband has been having the worst of times. I hate that I am so much a part of his burden.

GOOD
We received a most remarkable gift. It was a like being on the Price Is Right: a brand new washer and dryer. Can you even begin to imagine what kind of blessing that is for us right now? I still can’t believe it. How could someone do something like that for us? Yes, the giver is someone who has known about NBF since it’s beginnings, and over the years he’s known some New Brothers personally. However, that is still a very generous thing to do. It is also a solution to what has been the biggest, practical problem of our time on this missionfield these past seven years. The loving kindness of the Lord and His people is quite humbling.

GOOD
Babies are coming over tomorrow. My dear daughter was supposed to go to their home to sit for them, but Doug is out all day. So, she made arrangements for them to come here. She didn’t want me to be alone.  Sweet, huh? I’m looking forward to them.

– – – – – – – – –

Well, I guess it is time to go. Must find God’s peace in the midst of this storm.

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