Christian

The Hard Work of Being a Christian Wife

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

(I wrote this a long time ago, but never published it. Why? Well, that’s for another blog post. In any case, I’m publishing it today. And, I am publishing it without editing or second-guessing or yielding to my insecurities. So, typos and all, here it is for now. Maybe, one day I’ll come back and edit it and make it better.)

I sat down with a woman years ago. She had discovered that her husband was visiting prostitutes. She knew he had returned to drinking, but it was the prostitutes that had brought her to the point that she finally reached out for help.

That’s pretty typical. Wives will put up with a lot of bad behavior, even helping keep their husband’s secret sin a secret, until finally their husband just goes too far. Things get out of hand. “It was one thing when he would do XYZ, but now he’s not doing ABC and I think he might be doing LMNOP. I don’t know what’s going on. I just can’t take it anymore.“

Why Did She Take It At All?

So, back to my question: why do women put up with their husband’s bad behavior at all? Well, what I have heard from wives over and over is that they believe their only option is to endure: don’t complain, submit, hold your tongue. If they do a good enough job of suffering in silence, God will finally award them with a godly husband by whatever means necessary, including divorce. Mind you, they don’t know that’s what they believe; they would never confess that with their mouth. Yet, it’s true: too many women are believing that God is going to honor their passivity. God couldn’t possibly be expecting them to do something about their husband’s error or wrong inclinations. They believe thy just have to keep praying for God to help them endure.

That’s the first mistake Christian wives make. I don’t fault them, though. Most Christian women have not been spiritually equipped for marriage. I don’t know if that’s because it takes a lot of work to teach spiritual truths, or if it’s because – well, no. That’s why. Discipling humans is hard work, and churches just aren’t doing it. If a woman isn’t blessed to have a Titus 2 Woman in her life, she’s in trouble. Satan will be sure her ears are filled with every manner of secular humanist thought out there, counseling her right out of her marriage and her faith.

Is there a place for long-suffering? Absolutely! This is a fruit of the Holy Spirit’s work in our life. Just remember that long-suffering is patience, which in this scenario I think we can define as an evidence of our faith in God’s unfinished work. It is a spiritual condition. Instead of walking in patient faith in God, though, wives are white-knuckling their way through a little bit of Hell on Earth.

This is what I think happens to the godly wife full of every good intention towards her husband, whose faith is being worn down with his every transgression: she begins to tolerate his sin. Tolerance is easily mistaken for patience, aka long-suffering. We tolerate his coming home late; we tolerate his ignoring calls or texts; we tolerate his temper or offensive language. We tolerate his making place for boozing and using. We tolerate his unloving attitudes and behaviors. We tolerate his not attending family gatherings, or his skipping church, or his not serving God. Then, before we know it, sin has taken root and established itself in our husband’s life, and consequently in our marriage and family.

What’s A Christian Wife To Do?

Knowing your Christian husband is making wrong choices and not holding him accountable to the Word of God for those choices is the wrong kind of silence. That is not iron sharpening iron. That is not Galatians 6:2. It might make life easier for you in the moment, but in the long run that little transgression (it was just one drink, it was just one look, it was just one time, etc.) will lead him to the brink of spiritual death and your marriage and family to utter destruction.

For the record: a man who confesses Christ is Lord is a Christian. You should not be making allowances for any of the baggage (spiritual, emotional, or otherwise) that he brings with him to your marriage – or picks up after his, “I do.” There is no excuse for sin. Trauma or temperament or lifelong habits may be the cause of his struggle, but they are not to be accepted as a permission slip for sin. Unrepentant sin should have no place in a Christian’s life.

DON’T WRITE THE END OF HIS STORY

Yes, men have free will and they can choose to reject exhortation, accountability, or correction. However, we must not decide the end of his story. Who are we to determine God is done with him?

NO. As long as there is breath, there is hope. So, he’s rebellious to truth. Okay. That’s very bad! However, as a wife we still have a spiritual influence in our husband’s life. We exercise that influence in the spirit, through prayer and standing in the gap. We commit to intercede for him, because that’s what be a godly wife means. Through our tears, we call out to the Father for mercy. In our heartache, we believe by faith every promise of deliverance the Word has given. We cast off fear in the name of Jesus, and put on a garment of praise.

Thank God for God. Thank God for the Holy Spirit and His kind and loving ministry to our broken hearts. Thank God for tiny mustard-size seeds of faith that cannot be denied. Thank God for prophetic words received over the years, but never understood until that moment when we needed them, when the Holy Spirit suddenly opens our eyes to see that not only was He calling us to a deeper faith and great intimacy with Him, but that He had gone ahead, before we ever knew we would marry this man, and had made provision for the loving support and godly friendship we would need in this hard place. Just look around. Reach out to them.

For me, I didn’t think I could possibly take one more emotional hit, yet here was the Holy Spirit teaching me that in my place of greatest pain, it was still not about me. My marriage wasn’t about having a good husband, but about being a good wife. When it was the hardest, if I would yield my will to God’s and allow the Holy Spirit to use me as my husband’s help meet (a spiritual calling on every wife, FYI), He would meet me in that place and give me all I needed.

A Final Exhortations

Make your requests known to God. Think on those things that glorify God. Have faith for the unbelievable and impossible. Being a biblical wife to a spiritually high maintenance man is very hard. At times you feel crushed under the weight of that calling—and, I am convinced it is a calling. The unrepentant husband will tax you heavily, but remember that your prayers for him are for God to be Master, Lord, and Savior. He is willful and continue to reject the truth, but God is on your side. Make your requests known. Stop him, God! Convict him, Holy Spirit! Have mercy on him! Forgive him! Spare him! Save him!

Don’t stop praying. Ask the Holy Spirit how to pray for him! Pray in the Spirit over him. Reject whatsoever things are unlovely and untrue. Banish the lies of Satan from your mind and remember that Fear is a wicked spirit.

Read Philippians 4.

Forgive him. Again. And, again. There is so much spiritual power in forgiveness!

Love him. Be the hands of Christ whenever you touch him. Bless him that curses you. Do good to those that despitefully use you.

Speak truth out loud, because faith comes by hearing—you’re talking to yourself!

If you need prayer, but have no one else to go to, I will pray for you.

Remember, the Holy Spirit is your Comfort and your Help. Depend on Him. He will be there for you. When I had no one to confide in, no one who still had faith or hope for my husband, the Holy Spirit was there. Bless the Lord!

❤️

That Is Not A Cat

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

If you were trying to teach someone to identify a cat, how would you do it?

Would you show them pictures of rabbits and aligators and dogs and whales and zebras and every other animal in creation and then tell them, “That is not a cat”?

or

Would you show them pictures of Maine Coons and Abyssianians and Himilayans and Manx and Persians and Russian Blues and Siamese and tell them, “This is a cat”?

The answer’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? If you want to teach someone to recognize a cat, you show them pictures of cats. You might give them a cat to touch, or take them someplace where they could watch cats. You might even flick on a video about cats for them to see, or give them a book about cats to read. Toy cats would help, too! The point is, to learn to recognize a cat, you study the real thing.

It’s the same with anything we are trying to learn. We don’t learn to play the saxophone, by learnig to play the trombone. We don’t learn to cook, by ordering take-away. We don’t learn the types of flowers in our garden, by studying what isn’t a flower.

When we study the authentic item, we recognize the inauthentic easily. Bank tellers now have high tech means for testing counterfeit money, but they used to learn to recognize the coutnerfeit by studying the authentic. They learned everything there was to learn about real money, so that the counterfeit would stand out a mile away.

THIS IS A CAT

We live in a time when false prophets, false religions, false doctrines, and false teachers are rampant. They have always been around, but their numbers are multiplying. Gaining an audience is easier than ever; so is earning a profit. And, just as God raises up His true servants, so does Satan. The Devil is very good at promoting his own, but he is even better at deceiving the seeker. Why, he’s been doing that since the Garden! Adam and Eve walked with God, yet they were deceived by that lying serpent.

Well, the protection we need from being deceived isn’t going to be found by acquainting ourselves with these lies and liars. There are videos on YouTube, blog posts everywhere, and articles and books enough to fill a library that are full of these false religions and false prophets and false teachers. And, there are just as many that tear them apart piece by piece, telling you how they are each wrong—according to whomever is doing the telling. One video title I just saw was something to the effect of “Different Kinds of Witchcraft Christians Need to Know!” No, thank you! I don’t need to know about witchcraft. I need to know more about Jesus!

If we claim to be Christ followers, than knowing Him more should be a pleasure. How do we get to know Him? By reading His Word. We need to know what the Bible says. We need to study the Word of God, so that when someone makes a false claim we’ll know immediately to turn a deaf ear to them. We have to become that kind of people, especially in the day in which we live. Studying the counterfeit won’t help us recognize the authentic. It is knowing God’s Word that will equip us.

Bear in mind: we don’t have to become biblical scholars. We don’t need to dissect the cat and discover what a cat liver looks like compared to a dog liver. However, we do have to open the book. Being in the Word daily—throughout the day—will cause it to become ingrained in us.

Psalm 119:105 says, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” Could it be more clear? If you want to stay in the light of truth, if you do not want to stumble on this path you’re walking, know God’s Word.

❤

Sunday Worship

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We recorded this in 2002. It is a demo we had to make for technical and copyright purposes. The quality on this particular recording is pretty good, but they aren’t all.

All together, there are 28 songs. The songs are registered with CCLI, however, we offer them to the Body of Christ ourselves—for the sake of congregations that cannot afford a CCLI license or SongSelect membership. So, if you hear a song you would like to share with your church, let us know. We can email you the lead sheet, guitar tabs, lyric sheet, and/or overhead master*. No charge. (That’s why we became a publishing company.) So long as the song or the performance of the song is never sold (even as part of a fundraiser), anyone may use it freely to the glory of God.

We used to have all of this on a website, but the web host suddenly called it quits. We are slowly working to build a new website, but in the meanwhile we will share them via social media. Feel free to share them, too.

Doug has been writing a little bit about the genesis of each song, and this is what he wrote about “You Chose Me.”

“Of all the songs the Lord has blessed me with, this one is the most powerful and complete for me. From the music to the lyrics, the song was penned by the Lord. It began with an email from Caroline, who shared a wonderful truth that the Lord had revealed to her. The truth was that despite everything in our daily life, regardless of success or failure, Jesus’ love for us never stops and He chooses us with the same deep love and compassion He had for us when He went to Calvary. When I read her email, the idea that He chooses me blossomed immediately into this song. In just over an hour it was essentially finished. I pray that it would minister to you the repentance and peace that I believe the Lord intended.”

 I will add that I knew what I was sending him was going to become a song. It’s the only time the Holy Spirit has used me as a “collaborator” in his songwriting. 

“You Chose Me”
Words by Doug Gregan
Music by Doug Gregan
Vocals and Keyboard, Doug Gregan

Christ the Lord is risen today!

 

*If you don’t have printing capabilities, we will mail them to you.

My Filthy Rags

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

I had three major confrontations with the Lord in 2001. They began at the women’s Bible study (testimony here) and continued through the summer, when I finally dipped into a pile of articles Doug had given me to read.

Those articles would eventually be life changing, but I didn’t want anything to do with them at first. Oh, I was very happy for him, because he’d finally found a ministry that actually addressed his spiritual need. It was the first time we’d heard anyone use the term sexual addiction, and these men* had testimonies to back up their articles. He felt so much hope, and I was hopeful, too. Maybe, this was the answer we’d been waiting for, and all my suffering would finally be over. 

You see, while I recognized there was a spiritual war going on, I didn’t realize Doug and I each had battles to fight. I thought this war was his war, because it was his fault. If he would just do the right thing, we’d win the war and live happily ever after. Wasn’t I doing my part?  Keep the home fires burning, Caroline! Despite the fact God had been dealing with me all year long, calling me to yield to His will for my life, I just didn’t understand that there was something for me to do. I was sure our problems started with him, and would only end when he stopped living a chronic cycle of Sin-Repent-Repeat. In the meanwhile, I would be the good Christian wife I thought I was and endure this suffering. Isn’t that what longsuffering means?

HOLD UP

Wives, God doesn’t call us to endure our husband’s sin. If we’re just holding our own, trying to get better at enduring, we’re wasting our time. That’s as far away from being a help meet as we can get. Yet, I know that’s what most wives think they’re supposed to do: don’t quit on him. Without meaning to, they become his enabler.  

You see there is a difference between godly endurance and human endurance, and too often we confuse them. Godly endurance stands out, because it bears spiritual fruit in both you and him. It doesn’t enable him to stay unchanged and in sin, but instead reminds him that his race isn’t over. We don’t ignore his fall and fail to hold him to account, but urge him to get up (repent) and keep going.  

WAIT A MINUTE

I’m not sure when I gave in and picked-up an article, but I do remember the words took me by surprise. Like a tsunami. The first article was called, “Why People Remain in Sin and Bondage,” by David Kyle Foster. I remember thinking that maybe this article would help me understand Doug better, but instead it helped me understand myself better. It was an incredible experience. Yes, it was life changing.  I very clearly recall sitting in bed and sensing the presence of Christ beside me. I could see myself next to Him, my head down, looking at the pure white drapes of His robe. It was then I finally saw my filthy rags. I wept, I repented. My eyes were opened. For so long I had seen myself somehow ahead of Doug on this course, but suddenly I realized we were in the same place. I had no advantage over him, because I didn’t struggle with his brand of sin. I was not further ahead, because I had grown-up in Sunday school classes. We were equally wretched sinners, both in need of a Savior. 

PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN IT

Looking back now, I realize that God was preparing me for what was soon to come. If our family was going to survive the onslaught Satan had prepared for us, I was going to have to rise up out of my selfish version of Christianity and become a woman God could actually use. I was going to have to put my flesh in its place, just as much as Doug would—though in very different ways. I was now in the war.

❤

*David Kyle Foster (Pure Passion) and Steve Gallagher (Pure Life Miniseries)