Marriage

The Hard Work of Being a Christian Wife

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

(I wrote this a long time ago, but never published it. Why? Well, that’s for another blog post. In any case, I’m publishing it today. And, I am publishing it without editing or second-guessing or yielding to my insecurities. So, typos and all, here it is for now. Maybe, one day I’ll come back and edit it and make it better.)

I sat down with a woman years ago. She had discovered that her husband was visiting prostitutes. She knew he had returned to drinking, but it was the prostitutes that had brought her to the point that she finally reached out for help.

That’s pretty typical. Wives will put up with a lot of bad behavior, even helping keep their husband’s secret sin a secret, until finally their husband just goes too far. Things get out of hand. “It was one thing when he would do XYZ, but now he’s not doing ABC and I think he might be doing LMNOP. I don’t know what’s going on. I just can’t take it anymore.“

Why Did She Take It At All?

So, back to my question: why do women put up with their husband’s bad behavior at all? Well, what I have heard from wives over and over is that they believe their only option is to endure: don’t complain, submit, hold your tongue. If they do a good enough job of suffering in silence, God will finally award them with a godly husband by whatever means necessary, including divorce. Mind you, they don’t know that’s what they believe; they would never confess that with their mouth. Yet, it’s true: too many women are believing that God is going to honor their passivity. God couldn’t possibly be expecting them to do something about their husband’s error or wrong inclinations. They believe thy just have to keep praying for God to help them endure.

That’s the first mistake Christian wives make. I don’t fault them, though. Most Christian women have not been spiritually equipped for marriage. I don’t know if that’s because it takes a lot of work to teach spiritual truths, or if it’s because – well, no. That’s why. Discipling humans is hard work, and churches just aren’t doing it. If a woman isn’t blessed to have a Titus 2 Woman in her life, she’s in trouble. Satan will be sure her ears are filled with every manner of secular humanist thought out there, counseling her right out of her marriage and her faith.

Is there a place for long-suffering? Absolutely! This is a fruit of the Holy Spirit’s work in our life. Just remember that long-suffering is patience, which in this scenario I think we can define as an evidence of our faith in God’s unfinished work. It is a spiritual condition. Instead of walking in patient faith in God, though, wives are white-knuckling their way through a little bit of Hell on Earth.

This is what I think happens to the godly wife full of every good intention towards her husband, whose faith is being worn down with his every transgression: she begins to tolerate his sin. Tolerance is easily mistaken for patience, aka long-suffering. We tolerate his coming home late; we tolerate his ignoring calls or texts; we tolerate his temper or offensive language. We tolerate his making place for boozing and using. We tolerate his unloving attitudes and behaviors. We tolerate his not attending family gatherings, or his skipping church, or his not serving God. Then, before we know it, sin has taken root and established itself in our husband’s life, and consequently in our marriage and family.

What’s A Christian Wife To Do?

Knowing your Christian husband is making wrong choices and not holding him accountable to the Word of God for those choices is the wrong kind of silence. That is not iron sharpening iron. That is not Galatians 6:2. It might make life easier for you in the moment, but in the long run that little transgression (it was just one drink, it was just one look, it was just one time, etc.) will lead him to the brink of spiritual death and your marriage and family to utter destruction.

For the record: a man who confesses Christ is Lord is a Christian. You should not be making allowances for any of the baggage (spiritual, emotional, or otherwise) that he brings with him to your marriage – or picks up after his, “I do.” There is no excuse for sin. Trauma or temperament or lifelong habits may be the cause of his struggle, but they are not to be accepted as a permission slip for sin. Unrepentant sin should have no place in a Christian’s life.

DON’T WRITE THE END OF HIS STORY

Yes, men have free will and they can choose to reject exhortation, accountability, or correction. However, we must not decide the end of his story. Who are we to determine God is done with him?

NO. As long as there is breath, there is hope. So, he’s rebellious to truth. Okay. That’s very bad! However, as a wife we still have a spiritual influence in our husband’s life. We exercise that influence in the spirit, through prayer and standing in the gap. We commit to intercede for him, because that’s what be a godly wife means. Through our tears, we call out to the Father for mercy. In our heartache, we believe by faith every promise of deliverance the Word has given. We cast off fear in the name of Jesus, and put on a garment of praise.

Thank God for God. Thank God for the Holy Spirit and His kind and loving ministry to our broken hearts. Thank God for tiny mustard-size seeds of faith that cannot be denied. Thank God for prophetic words received over the years, but never understood until that moment when we needed them, when the Holy Spirit suddenly opens our eyes to see that not only was He calling us to a deeper faith and great intimacy with Him, but that He had gone ahead, before we ever knew we would marry this man, and had made provision for the loving support and godly friendship we would need in this hard place. Just look around. Reach out to them.

For me, I didn’t think I could possibly take one more emotional hit, yet here was the Holy Spirit teaching me that in my place of greatest pain, it was still not about me. My marriage wasn’t about having a good husband, but about being a good wife. When it was the hardest, if I would yield my will to God’s and allow the Holy Spirit to use me as my husband’s help meet (a spiritual calling on every wife, FYI), He would meet me in that place and give me all I needed.

A Final Exhortations

Make your requests known to God. Think on those things that glorify God. Have faith for the unbelievable and impossible. Being a biblical wife to a spiritually high maintenance man is very hard. At times you feel crushed under the weight of that calling—and, I am convinced it is a calling. The unrepentant husband will tax you heavily, but remember that your prayers for him are for God to be Master, Lord, and Savior. He is willful and continue to reject the truth, but God is on your side. Make your requests known. Stop him, God! Convict him, Holy Spirit! Have mercy on him! Forgive him! Spare him! Save him!

Don’t stop praying. Ask the Holy Spirit how to pray for him! Pray in the Spirit over him. Reject whatsoever things are unlovely and untrue. Banish the lies of Satan from your mind and remember that Fear is a wicked spirit.

Read Philippians 4.

Forgive him. Again. And, again. There is so much spiritual power in forgiveness!

Love him. Be the hands of Christ whenever you touch him. Bless him that curses you. Do good to those that despitefully use you.

Speak truth out loud, because faith comes by hearing—you’re talking to yourself!

If you need prayer, but have no one else to go to, I will pray for you.

Remember, the Holy Spirit is your Comfort and your Help. Depend on Him. He will be there for you. When I had no one to confide in, no one who still had faith or hope for my husband, the Holy Spirit was there. Bless the Lord!

❤️

1 February 2022

/ SaxophoneWife / 3 Comments

I had planned to repeat my Facebook-Free February this year, but I haven’t done a very good job today. I suppose it could be Facebook-Free March or April. We’ll see. Maybe, I’ll start a day late.

As my husband headed off to bed tonight, he looked down at me (I was working on my laptop on the couch) and smiled with his whole face as he struggled to find the right words. “You…are…a…squirrely…rascally…challenge!”

I laughed out loud. “You know, she’s a very difficult person,” his future mother in law warned.

Well, his comment reminded me of something else. He reminded me of one a Shakespeare’s Sonnets I had included it in a poetry book I made him 34 years ago, when he left Long Beach, California for Boston, Massachusetts. He was coming here to study the saxophone with Jerry Bergonzi. This was his dream come true. We were just friends, but I was already in love with him. So, I decided to make him a poetry book. What is a poetry book? Well, it’s a scrapbook of poems or quotes, with pictures collected from magazines or greeting cards. Maybe, photo copied from a book. It wasn’t a gift you gave just anyone—only your very best friends.

So, on the night before he flew out, I drove over to see him to say good-bye. That’s what friends do, right? We hung out for awhile, and I gave him his gift as I was leaving—some time after midnight. I drove away in my ’72 Toyota Corona—missing floor board on the passenger’s side and a trunk that only stayed closed with a bungee cord—and I prayed and rejoiced and felt incredible peace. Oh, I definitely cried my eyes out, too. I knew I would never see him again. His poetry book was my last bid to leave my mark on his life.

I know it’s small potatoes, but we’re celebrating our 33rd Anniversary soon, and I’m grateful for a husband who loves a “challenge.” 🙂

So, this is the sonnet. Figured I should share. You can see I made his poetry book in a music notebook, instead of a scrapbook. Seemed appropriate for a musician.

I love the picture I included—it related to the poem on the facing page, too, which begins: “My clumsiest dear, whose hands shipwreck vases….” (Love Poem, written by John Frederick Nims.)

It was interesting to look through that poetry book tonight. I’m glad for all the ways I’ve changed in 34 years, and for all the ways I’ve stayed just the same.

❤

Kick Off Those Shoes! (Revisted)

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

This original post has recently had some views. I didn’t remember it by the title, so I clicked to reread it. As I did, I noticed something that I needed to correct. It’s something the Lord has taught me in the past five years. So, below is the post updated, with my correction. Er, rather, the Holy Spirit’s correction. I don’t know who the recent readers were, but I hope / trust they see this and read the correction. The correction, by the way, is in Step 4. I definitely will write more on trust in another post.

KickOffThoseShoes

Women don’t lie about being abused.

There is too much shame attached. Of course, this isn’t to say there aren’t women who will lie, so maybe I should qualify my statement: I have found that a woman in a marriage she values and wants to keep, to a man she loves and believes in, is more likely to lie by saying she has not been abused, than to lie by saying she has been abused.

And, just in case you aren’t sure where she stands in regards to her husband and her marriage, always assume she is telling the truth.

On the same note, I have found that when a man—any man—makes any statement of denial concerning abuse, he is always judging by his definition of abuse.

And, he is always wrong.

FUZZY SLIPPERS
Recently, a pastor and his wife became quite famous, as she advocated for his freedom from an Iranian prison. He was finally released last month, but the joy of his homecoming was dampened by her confession to supporters that he had been an abusive jerk.

(I might have added the “jerk” part.)

Instead of welcoming him home with open arms, she filed papers and sent the kids. They both remain in the public eye, seeking public affirmation, and claiming they want to keep their troubles “private.” As they both post about their private life on Facebook and grant interviews to the press, their claims to want privacy seem a little disingenuous.

All things being equal, he’s getting the lion’s share of the media attention, and she’s winning the Facebook sympathy vote. Her defenders, aka Team Wife, gather around and reinforce her victimization, while Team Husband assures him this is the Devil’s work. It is how church folks traditionally handle these kind of troubles.

Feeling sorry for the victim is natural, if not very helpful. It’s probably the main reason it took me so long to trust anyone to pray with me for my husband. I knew a pat on the hand wasn’t going to help me. Yes, his abuse hurt me very much, but I knew God did not define him by his sin. Of course, I wanted comforting—living in an abusive marriage is like walking in shoes that are not only too tight, but have cut glass for insoles. I was not about to refuse a pair of fuzzy slippers, but I did not want pity.  I wanted prayer partners to stand in the gap for us both. I wanted warring saints who would not fight against my husband, but fight the Enemy on his behalf.

Let me tell you, there were very few people I could trust. There were even fewer who actually believed he could be delivered.

I don’t know enough about these two people to know if they really want to save their marriage, but if they do, they are doing it wrong.  For more than three years they portrayed themselves as martyrs for the cause of Christ, and now that their secret sins have been brought into the light they each still want to play the martyr in their marriage.  Even worse, they are allowing the court of public opinion to try their cases against each other.

It’s not okay. In fact, it’s sickening. Well-intentioned Christians are feeding their egos with scores of Facebook comments.  Articles and interviews are skewed in favor of whichever victim the publication wants to defend. I suspect ghost writers have already been hired, with book deals under negotiation.

You can say I’m being critical, or worse, but I don’t think I’m wrong.  And, what you may not be detecting in my words is the real concern I have for them, and for the Body of Christ. If we actually care about these two people, then we should pray they stop this public show.

I have walked many miles in the shoes this woman now walks, which is the only reason I have the right to say anything. And, I know there are women reading this who are examining their own shoes right now and saying, “Yeah, those look familiar.” While this woman may never read my words of exhortation, those who are reading these words need to know that there is hope. Being in an abusive marriage doesn’t mean you must endure a life of suffering. However, you will have to reject the easy comfort of those fuzzy slippers. The proper footwear for a woman married to a High-Maintenance Man is combat boots.

COMBAT BOOTS
If you love your husband and want to save your marriage, despite his abusive behavior, I am going to share the short and simple advice I give every woman married to an abusive man. Of course, I prefer the term High Maintenance Men. I coined the term years ago, because I thought it accurately described a man who wasn’t exactly easy to love, but very much worth loving. Men cannot stay high maintenance, though. That is not God’s will. However, He has provided a way for men with abusive behaviors to be transformed by the power and grace of God at work in their lives, and when they have a Proverbs 31 woman willing to walk that walk of faith with them, they really are guaranteed to succeed.

God is always on the side of those who seek after righteousness! 

So, here are seven, simple steps to get started. (Sorry for the alliteration. It wasn’t on purpose!) Mind you: this is my simple version, with minimal detail, but maybe enough to stir your heart to faith and action.

Remember, what God did for me He will gladly do for you, too!

Step 1: Do not protect him.
There are many kinds of abuse. If you are being physically abused, or if he is engaged in illegal activity, leave or make him leave. Call the authorities. God does not honor our protecting him from the consequences of his illegal behavior, and physically hurting you—or anyone else—is illegal.

Step 2: Put your faith in God. 
If you are not a Christian, these shoes definitely won’t fit comfortably. Of course, knowing Christ isn’t a hard thing. Click HERE. Then, come right back. I’ll wait. 🙂

Step 3: Forgive him. 
Sometimes, we hold onto forgiveness like a trophy we will only bestow upon our husband once he has proven himself worthy. Bad idea! This is completely contrary to the Word of God, which makes it clear that unforgiveness is a sin that separates us from the Lord and frustrates His will in our lives. The truth is, unforgiveness is as great a transgression as his abuse. They both divide you from God, and from one another, and you cannot win this fight for your marriage without spiritual unity. You need to be playing for the same team! Holding onto unforgiveness is giving place to the Enemy, and that will only bring more division. It is a very spiritually powerless position that will almost guarantee the end of your marriage. 

Step 4: Forgiveness and trust work hand-in-hand.
Abuse violates trust, and this is one of the hardest things for anyone to get over. However, the Holy Spirit taught me that the Bible’s call to forgive 70 times 7 is a call to forgive as God forgives—that includes trusting that person once more. We are told in this world that trust must be earned, but that’s not true; it’s not even realistic. Trust is given. And, in the Christian marriage our trust is given to the One Who is the most trustworthy, our Heavenly Father, to not only accomplish the redemptive work that needs to be done in our marriage, but in the two members of that marriage. And, He will do that.  

Step 5: Trusting Him is essential.
Recovery is a process that takes time. Walking this road from brokenness to healing is going to require you have Someone to lean on every step of the way, and the only person who will be there for you even before you call to Him for help, is God. Putting your trust in Him as you begin this fight really is essential.

Step 6: Pursue Him.
No one is 100% innocent. Sometimes, women find that they are allowing a lot of “little” sins, like unforgiveness, into their life, and justifying them with his bad behavior. They don’t think of their discontentment as sin. Or, maybe, it’s gossip or greed they overlook. Or, just spiritually neglecting our walk with the Lord. There are so many ways we transgress. This is why I urge you to invite the Holy Spirit to examine your heart, to see if there are any “wicked ways” in you. Then, repent. And, keep repenting. And, then begin to pursue God like you did back in the day, when you were new to your faith. Stop skipping services, and other opportunities to be in fellowship. Take in every anointed sermon you can find (Sermon Index is a great source), and read the Word for yourself. Surround yourself with the Word. Make posters and hang them up around your house! Listen to worship music that is filled with spiritual truth. Pray like every prayer is a life-sustaining breath. You will need to be spiritually fit to fight this battle, so pursue the Lord with all your heart, as if your life depends on it.

Step 7: Leave him to God.
Let God take care him. Hopefully, you are working together to reconcile, so there should be much spiritual fellowship going on, but don’t take the position of being his spiritual mentor. You should not disciple your husband. The Holy Spirit may well use you to exhort and encourage him, but let God have His way with Him. Pray for him, tell God all the thing you think He needs to fix in him, but leave him to God.

NEW SHOES
The burden of recovery is not meant to be entirely on one person. Sometimes, one member is more able to take the steps of faith necessary to begin the process, but ultimately it takes two willing souls.  It is a shared burden, and a shared blessing, through which God can do a wonderful and remarkable work of restoration. And, restoration is my hope for this couple I’ve discussed, and for anyone reading this who is living under abuse.

Sister, kick off those shoes! If you need to pad around in fuzzy slippers for a time, give those blisters a chance to heal, that’s OK. However, you can’t stay in that easy place. You need to get to the work of fighting the spiritual battle that comes with being that Proverbs 31 woman. Abigail did not rush to confront David in her fuzzies! She knew what she was facing, and she was equipped and ready.

One day—this is the good news you need to remember every day—this fight will be over.  It really will! And, when it is done you can put those combat boots away. You won’t throw them out, because you are a Proverbs 31 woman. However, they won’t be your daily uniform. You’ll get to go out and buy yourself a brand new pair of any shoes you want! And, you can let him buy them for you.

Despair is a Round Trip

/ SaxophoneWife / 3 Comments

I was closing an email from Doug, the Saxophone Player, and my eye quickly glanced down at his signature.

This email came from his office at the jail, and I was just moved to tears seeing his title. You may not know my husband’s testimony**, but I can tell you that I did not marry a man fit to be a minister. I married a great guy, but he had some big problems. Those problems affected his family, and drove me to despair so many times I don’t need a map anymore.

Yet, in those places of hopelessness The Holy Spirit kept telling me to trust God. Sometimes, there would be this flash of a vision from an unknown future. I would see him speaking to a group of people, Bible in hand. Where did that come from?

I can’t get over what God has done in my husband’s life, and I hope I NEVER do! I hope I never forget what God has done, and that He is able to do far more than we can hope or imagine—if we will just keep trusting Him. That trust will most likely mean a few trips to despair for anyone daring enough to let God do things His way, but I promise it’s a round trip when we’re in His hands. It’s a round trip!

I did not marry a man worthy of his titles: Reverand, Pastor, Chaplain, Chief Executive Officer, President. He wasn’t worthy of the work the Lord has entrusted to his care, but God made him worthy. God persevered, and Doug surrendered.

If you know the way to Despair as well as I once did, please seek the Lord for help. Please, believe that He is able to help you in your circumstances, because what He does for one of His children*, He will do for any of them.

❤

*If you aren’t sure you are a child of God, don’t wait to find out. CLICK HERE.
** This is Doug’s Testimony. CLICK HERE

Happy Anniversary to My Elkanah

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

To mark our 32nd wedding anniversary, I thought I would share some photos. It’s kind of an odd assortment. I just chose pictures that stood out to me and offer a glimpse into our past. As we move into our future, I am just so thankful for this man I see these days as my Elkanah, a godly servant of the Lord, faithful and kind. Thank you, dear Doug, for all the seasons of our life together.

  • Doug was too cool for school.
  • This is the guy who rescued my heart.
  • With my Mother, at our engagement party.
  • My sister, Jill, hosted the night.
  • Doug’s parents.
  • We tied ribbons on each other’s fingers.
  • Outside the church.
  • Married in Boston’s Back Bay. Honeymooned down the street. It made sense to walk. Traffic honked as we went. Incredible.
  • The view from our room.
  • Doug’s brother took snapshots at our wedding.
  • My in-laws arranged a reception in our room.
  • Almost a year later, we took a posed photo.

My Filthy Rags

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

I had three major confrontations with the Lord in 2001. They began at the women’s Bible study (testimony here) and continued through the summer, when I finally dipped into a pile of articles Doug had given me to read.

Those articles would eventually be life changing, but I didn’t want anything to do with them at first. Oh, I was very happy for him, because he’d finally found a ministry that actually addressed his spiritual need. It was the first time we’d heard anyone use the term sexual addiction, and these men* had testimonies to back up their articles. He felt so much hope, and I was hopeful, too. Maybe, this was the answer we’d been waiting for, and all my suffering would finally be over. 

You see, while I recognized there was a spiritual war going on, I didn’t realize Doug and I each had battles to fight. I thought this war was his war, because it was his fault. If he would just do the right thing, we’d win the war and live happily ever after. Wasn’t I doing my part?  Keep the home fires burning, Caroline! Despite the fact God had been dealing with me all year long, calling me to yield to His will for my life, I just didn’t understand that there was something for me to do. I was sure our problems started with him, and would only end when he stopped living a chronic cycle of Sin-Repent-Repeat. In the meanwhile, I would be the good Christian wife I thought I was and endure this suffering. Isn’t that what longsuffering means?

HOLD UP

Wives, God doesn’t call us to endure our husband’s sin. If we’re just holding our own, trying to get better at enduring, we’re wasting our time. That’s as far away from being a help meet as we can get. Yet, I know that’s what most wives think they’re supposed to do: don’t quit on him. Without meaning to, they become his enabler.  

You see there is a difference between godly endurance and human endurance, and too often we confuse them. Godly endurance stands out, because it bears spiritual fruit in both you and him. It doesn’t enable him to stay unchanged and in sin, but instead reminds him that his race isn’t over. We don’t ignore his fall and fail to hold him to account, but urge him to get up (repent) and keep going.  

WAIT A MINUTE

I’m not sure when I gave in and picked-up an article, but I do remember the words took me by surprise. Like a tsunami. The first article was called, “Why People Remain in Sin and Bondage,” by David Kyle Foster. I remember thinking that maybe this article would help me understand Doug better, but instead it helped me understand myself better. It was an incredible experience. Yes, it was life changing.  I very clearly recall sitting in bed and sensing the presence of Christ beside me. I could see myself next to Him, my head down, looking at the pure white drapes of His robe. It was then I finally saw my filthy rags. I wept, I repented. My eyes were opened. For so long I had seen myself somehow ahead of Doug on this course, but suddenly I realized we were in the same place. I had no advantage over him, because I didn’t struggle with his brand of sin. I was not further ahead, because I had grown-up in Sunday school classes. We were equally wretched sinners, both in need of a Savior. 

PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN IT

Looking back now, I realize that God was preparing me for what was soon to come. If our family was going to survive the onslaught Satan had prepared for us, I was going to have to rise up out of my selfish version of Christianity and become a woman God could actually use. I was going to have to put my flesh in its place, just as much as Doug would—though in very different ways. I was now in the war.

❤

*David Kyle Foster (Pure Passion) and Steve Gallagher (Pure Life Miniseries)

In The Beginning

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

About 20 years ago, Doug and I were in the battle of our lives. We didn’t know it, but we were at a turning point. How we came through this was going to redefine the rest of our lives. And, though we were battling for the same cause, we were fighting on different fronts. He had his fight, and I had mine.

Of course, I did not understand any of this at the time. From my perspective then, this war was essentially his fault, and his deliverance was going to bring an end to the conflict. That was the focus of my prayer life: that God would deliver him.

However, God had a call on my life that I wasn’t answering. It was the call to be my husband’s help meet. Though I had grown-up in church, I was never taught the true, biblical meaning of the word. I never heard a pastor preach on it, and my premarital counseling never even mentioned it. No one ever told me it was God’s call on every wife’s life. No one ever told me the spiritual responsibility I had, or the spiritual authority God had given me. I wish I’d been equipped from the beginning with all I learned that year, and the years since, because I think it would have made all the difference.

That’s why I blog about it now. I am desperate to see Christian men fulfill the call of God on their lives, but they cannot do it alone. 

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18, KJV

God recognized man’s need, and made woman. However, there is a job to be done here. It is not just a title; a position of honor. It is a calling. 

And, it’s a calling I am still learning to answer. I have an excellent Teacher, but I am a poor student. So, I am learning as I type. I am determined to keep typing, though. I believe there is at least one woman who will read this, receive it, and it will make all the difference for her, her husband, her marriage, her family, and the Kingdom of God. I believe that with all my heart. It is a call that may not be easy, ladies—especially, if your husband is not walking with the Lord. However, it is a ministry unto the Lord. Your obedience to this call has eternal consequences—and, eternal rewards! 

So, yes, I will be writing more on the subject and filing these posts in the “Help Meet” category so they can be easily found.

God bless you tonight. ❤

Counting to 30

/ SaxophoneWife / 5 Comments

We started the weekend trying to define the years of our life. We wanted to pick a highlight or hallmark from each year. Some years it was easy to do, others were sort of a blur. A few years, we just didn’t want to remember.

We also found that it was hard to pick a word to describe some years, because we were often having very different experiences—even though our individual experiences had everything to do with what was happening in the other person’s life.

Ultimately, looking back gave us a lot of perspective. It was informative. Interesting. I think it was a good exercise. Like Doug wrote on Facebook: “You know that God has been in your marriage when you can share with one another the best and the worst of thirty years. and yet be more in love than ever.”

Anyway, we did make a list of sorts, but in the end I don’t know if it’s worth sharing.  Our life has been complicated and wonderful, challenging and beautiful, but all that really matters here is Jesus. His hand has been there through it all, and looking back I see it so clearly, how He walked with us and led us and kept us. In the end, our marriage is something we leave to our children and grandchildren to evaluate, and I hope they see us as flawed as we are and see Him as perfect as He is, knowing that He is why we are still we. ❤

Happy 30th, Saxophone Player. God was so kind to give me you. I know there won’t be marriage in Heaven, but I know we’ll always be best friends. I love you, Doug. XO

When Mercy Seasons Justice

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This monologue came to mind the other day.  I cannot get it out of my mind, so I decided to share it. The words are so beautiful.

In case you aren’t familiar with the scene, Portia has disguised herself as a lawyer, in order to advocate for her husband. She is speaking to Shylock, who is demanding a pound of flesh to repay his debt.

Of course, plays are meant to be heard, especially Shakespeare. I think Laura Carmichael does a lovely job.

Such good words to remember.

The quality of mercy is not strained

The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
‘Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The thronèd monarch better than his crown.
His scepter shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptered sway.
It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings;
It is an attribute to God Himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God’s
When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew,
Though justice be thy plea, consider this:
That in the course of justice none of us
Should see salvation. We do pray for mercy,
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much
To mitigate the justice of thy plea,
Which, if thou follow, this strict court of Venice
Must needs give sentence ‘gainst the merchant there.

— Portia, in William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice, Act 4, Scene 1.

 

Six Months

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

In the winter of Hannah’s 5th grade year, a fellow PTA mom invited me to join a Bible study she attended. I agreed to join her. Our church did not have a women’s Bible study, and I knew my spiritual life was in rough shape. Plus, I felt ashamed to reject her invitation. The Bible study was only once a week, but it was one of the hardest commitments I ever made.

You see, each time I walked into that church, I felt as if I was walking through the hallway naked—heart, mind, and soul exposed. I cannot think of another time in my life I have ever felt so uncomfortable. You would think I’d have recognized this as the Holy Spirit’s conviction, an evidence of my sinful heart, but I was deeply deceived. I had fully given myself over to vain and selfish pursuits.

It started very sincerely. I had such good motives. We were living in a small town on the New England seacoast, and I loved it there. My little family had a very nice life. There were no private, Christian schools close by, so we enrolled Hannah in the public schools and I became a frequent volunteer.  As a stay-at-home mom, I had the time to give, so I gave many hours to the PTA. I worked hard and that dedication eventually made a place for me in the PTA Mom’s clique. That led to my being asked to become Co-President, and I was delighted. 

I rather enjoyed being a big fish in a little pond, and the little bit of power and influence I yielded felt like a well-deserved reward. I said it was all about the children—especially my own—but I was deceiving myself. The truth was, I was an embittered wife and the PTA was a way I could make things all about me.

While I worked so hard to improve the school for everyone else’s children, my own daughter was neglected. How many nights did I leave her and Doug at home, because I had an important meeting to attend? How many vacation days did Doug spend on PTA work days? I hate to think how much money and how many hours I spent. There was just enough “success” from one month to the next to keep me thinking it was all worth it.

Then, something happened. Something very unexpected.

It was in April of Hannah’s 5th-grade year. I was sitting in a circle with the other ladies in that Bible study, Bibles and folders on our lap, when the leader asked a question that hadn’t been in our study notes. She asked us to just say the first thing that came to mind, without analyzing the question or our answer.

Now, before I share her question, I want to ask you to do the same. Don’t think; don’t analyze. Just say the first thing that comes to mind.

Her question was:

“What would you do, if you knew for sure that Jesus Christ was coming (the Rapture of the church) in six months?”

Even today, seventeen-and-a-half years later, thinking about that moment makes me emotional. I remember it so clearly. This was my answer: 

“I would support my husband’s ministry.”

What? 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing myself say. Didn’t I already support him? Hadn’t I encouraged him in everything he did for the Lord? It’s not as tough he was called to full-time ministry. How much support did he need?

I hate to say this, but I just didn’t get it. I prayed a prayer of some description before the Bible study finished, committing myself to at least meditating on what this meant, but my prayer was a lot of blah, blah, blah. I went home and went back to work, with the PTA still my priority.  In fact, our biggest events of the year were still coming up.

By June, the Bible study had ended for the summer, and Hannah would soon be promoted to the junior high. PTA elections were held, and I was asked to continue my work. The vote was unanimous, and I made sure there would be no more co- in my title. Why did we need two co-presidents, when I did all the work? Honestly, if I had asked to be called the Queen of the PTA, they would have probably agreed, because I had elevated the PTA. People kept telling me it had been the best year anyone could recall—the most events, the most funds raised, the most accomplishments. The Superintendent and School Board respected me. Teachers appreciated me. Principals feared me. Parents depended on me. 

And, then something happened. Something very unexpected.

I woke up on a lovely, warm and sunny day, and couldn’t speak. I could barely swallow. I went to bed perfectly well, there had been no signs of illness. Yet, I woke-up sicker than I could remember ever being. The doctor said it was an “extreme case” of strep throat. No one else in my circle had strep, or even knew someone with it. Nonetheless, there I was, sick as a dog. It was time for the final event of the year, an event I’d been planning for and looking forward to for over a year, the biggest production of the year, and something no one else had even done there: a Volunteer Appreciation Banquet. Everything was coming together beautifully. I’d made all of the thank you gifts. Food had been arranged. Beautiful invitations were designed by yours truly, and mailed in envelopes I’d addressed myself. The big event was just days away, but I was completely derailed.

I don’t know why*, but knew God had something to do with what was happening. For almost two weeks, I sat in bed silent. I couldn’t even whisper. I had to turn all the plans for my big event over to my co-president. She’d call with questions, and I’d write the answers down for Doug to tell her for me. I couldn’t believe what was happening. The grand finale of my year, and I wouldn’t even be able to attend. I wasn’t going to get my victory lap. 

But, during that silence, God finally got me to stop and listen. And, He spoke one simple thing to me.

“Come home.”

Despite my sinful heart, I did fear God. I knew not to disobey a direct order. The instruction was simple, but I knew what it meant.

Once my voice returned (almost the day after the banquet), I resigned from the PTA. I was actually very thankful to make my exit, and never missed it.

Homeschooling was also an very easy transition to make. We were committed to keeping Hannah connected to her school friends, and she seemed excited about the prospect of being an independent learner.

Supporting my husband’s ministry was the one thing I wasn’t sure how to do, but within a week’s time I would learn that the struggle he’d confessed after our tenth anniversary debacle had not been overcome. In fact, I began to see that Satan was aiming for his heart, trying to take away not just his victory, but his very life. My husband needed me, and I was going to begin learning how to pray for him and love him through the spiritual battle that was waiting right around the corner.

*Actually, I do know why, now that I have written this: it was the peace I felt about it all. I wasn’t angry or fretting. I was resigned in my heart. I knew I had brought this upon myself, because I had not been heeding the Holy Spirit all winter and spring, as He had tried to get me to see my sinfulness and selfishness. I was walking in rebellion, but His mercy stopped me in my tracks. Thank You, Jesus!