My Theology of Marriage

Indulge Her!

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

Indulge is a good word with a bad reputation.

Indulge
verb, in·dulge \in-ˈdəlj\
1: to allow (yourself) to have or do something as a special pleasure
2: to allow (someone) to have or do something even though it may not be proper, healthy, appropriate, etc.
3: to patiently allow (someone) to do or say something
Source: Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary

It’s that second definition that causes trouble. We don’t indulge in what is ungodly—there’s no good in that.  However, there’s no harm in “patiently allowing someone to say or do something”, or allowing yourself or someone else “to have or do something as a special pleasure.”

Let me give you a little example.

I lovelovelove the flowers that come up in the yard every Spring—from the little violets to the daffodils to the random crocus and iris. They are little surprises. And, this year, because we had almost no snow, there were many, many surprises!

When it came time to mow the lawn (the Saxophone Player has decided to undertake this himself this year, kudos to him), guess what he did? He indulged his crazy wife’s passion for wildflowers. He mowed right around those mystery plants that had popped up in the middle of the yard, just because I thought they might be flowers. Well, yesterday, one of them bloomed!

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2016-06-10 15.19.22

It didn’t cost Doug any money or much effort to indulge my curiosity, but it did bring me great joy to see those flowers today. I just kept thinking about how sweet my husband was to do that for me, and it got me thinking of other ways he has indulged my whims. I felt so grateful for him.

Gentlemen, I challenge you: indulge her!

Think about something she’s talked about that you didn’t really pay much attention to at first. Maybe, she’s talked about going on a picnic, or she’s concerned about your health and wants you to see a doctor, or she’s always wanted a blue front door. Maybe, she really wants a flowerbed outside her kitchen window (me, last year), or needs a few minutes to finish her blog post, before starting supper (me, right now). Why not indulge her a little?

Afterall, fellas, don’t you indulge in her? You indulge in her beauty, in her womanhood, in her devotion, in her forgiveness, in her mercy, in her prayers, in her faithfulness, in her patience—and, on and on!

Look at the example God gives us. King Ahasuerus’ wife, Queen Esther, came to him with an unusal series of requests. What was his response? Pure indulgence!
“What is your petition, Queen Esther? What do you wish? Whatever it is, I will give it to you, even if it is half of my kingdom!” (Esther 7:1, TLB)

Her husband had no idea what she would ask of him, but he had determined to indulge her, whatever she asked. He indulged her persistence, he indulged her inquiries, he indulged her invitations, and finally he indulged her deepest concerns and convictions.

The beauty of this story, though, is that his indulging her was ultimately for his own good. He came out the winner.

Even from this distance, I can hear the naysayers. I can hear the men who are talking to their screen right now, saying, “Oh, yeah? Well, what about Eve? Adam indulged her request, and look what happened there!” Remember what I said up top: we do not indulge what is ungodly. Adam knew not to take of that fruit.

Let’s get back to Ahasuerus and Esther. Read the Book of Esther for yourself, if you think I’m wrong. There are other biblical examples I could share, but I really think Esther and her king are the ultimate proof of my theory: indulging your wife makes a better life!

So, take my challenge. Indulge her!
  • Indulge her whimsy.
  • Indulge her imagination.
  • Indulge her curiousity.
  • Indulge her concerns.
  • Indulge her talents.
  • Indulge her passions.
  • Indulge her preferences.

At least, a little.  It doesn’t have to cost you much, but it will pay off big dividends for you in the end. Trust me. You’ll be glad you did. Make it a habit, and you can make history, too.

What an Apology Isn’t

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

Bad things happen.

People make mistakes. Say the wrong thing. Do the wrong thing. React and act out. It just happens. No one is always perfectly behaved, and sometimes our actions hurt other people.

When our actions hurt others, and there is a breech in relationship, repairing that breech and restoring the relationship need to be a top priority. One of the first steps we should take is issuing an apology.

Simple enough, right? We go to the offended party, admit our wrong doing, acknowledge the hurt we have caused, and say we are sorry.

If we are Jesus people, and our offense was sinful, we must also repent to the Lord. That is an absolute must, as our sinfulness also created a breech between us and God.

Still sounds easy, yes?

Well, not always. Repentance is pretty easy, but apologizing right can be hard.

DO YOU KNOW SELFISH SAM?
Sometimes, we are in relationships with people like Selfish Sam. Selfish Sam isn’t a bad guy. At least, he says he wants to be good. Yet, he isn’t really ready or willing or able to either recognize his wrong doing, or acknowledge how his offense has hurt another person’s feelings. People like Selfish Sam seem to think they inhabit a bubble, where their selfish or thoughtless actions only touch themselves.

Or, maybe they think everyone else is made of stone,  with no feelings at all.

I recently witnessed an apology from someone a lot like Selfish Sam, and it spurred this post. His apology  sounded a little like this: “I’m sorry, but there’s only so much I can take of her staring out a window crying. How am I supposed to put up with that?”

Yeah, I was horrified, too.

He went on to to say, “I always apologize. And, I always have a reason why I’m angry, and why I do the things I do.”

Did I mention how self-righteous he was about having an excuse for his wicked behavior? It was painful to watch this display of selfishness and arrogance, without saying something I might regret.

My tongue has almost recovered.

SAYING SORRY
      “How else am I supposed to react, when he does that?”
      “I know I am wrong, but he’s wrong, too!”
“I’m sorry, but she just makes me so mad!”
      “I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault.”
“I can’t help myself.”

When I hear these kinds of apologies, I know I’m listening to someone who still doesn’t get it. They are still not taking responsibility for their own behavior, and until we can own that, we aren’t apologizing well. We are acting like immature babies.

This is what an apology isn’t:

  • An apology is never an excuse for wrongdoing.
  • An apology is never an opportunity to point out someone else’s faults.
  • An apology is never an accomplishment or a reason to boast.

It is going to take time for an immature person to understand that their actions aren’t all about them. Some folks lack empathy, and really cannot see how their behavior impacts others.

In those cases, if a person is really sorry, give them credit for that. It’s an important step.  They may not understand the depth of hurt they have caused someone else, but that’s our opportunity to help them grow into more mature and caring people (Proverbs 27:17).

Note to Remember: our goal should be restoration in any relationship that has suffered a breech. That is not always possible, or profitable, but when it is, it is a responsibility of both parties. Always be willing to do your part.

 A LITTLE EMPATHY GOES A LONG WAY
Sympathy is important. It shows we care that something bad has happened to someone; and it definitely has its place. However, not when we are the offender. The last thing offended an party wants is our pity. The last thing they need is for us to feel sorry for them. They want us to understand the seriousness of what we have done, and do something to show it won’t happen again.

The best way to do that is through empathy.

Empathy is identifying with another person’s feelings. It takes a measure of selflessness to do that, because we have to let our guard down. We have to be willing to suspend our preconceived notions and let go of our own perceptions. We have to be willing to accept that the other person’s point of view is 100% valid.

There may be some errors in their understanding of what happened, and they may be reacting in a bigger way than they should, but an apology is not the time to judge whether or not a person’s reaction is immature or if their point of view and how they feel is 100% fair or right. Explain yourself, correct the facts. In a relationship, there will be time to work those things out.

Saying we are sorry for what we did wrong is good, but understanding how the other person feels—as if the offense had happened to us, but instead of being us, we are them—is so important.  This is not easy to do, but it helps us take responsibility for what we have done, and works to not only preserve our relationship, but strengthens the bond we share with the person we have done wrong.

The mark of a good apology is one that convinces the wounded party that their feelings are more important than the feelings of the offender. A good apology acknowledges that the other person was hurt, taken for granted, misused, or ignored.

Let me give you an example…

A brother steals his little sister’s favorite doll and uses it to play astronaut. He straps the doll to a rocket and fires it up. The doll falls back to earth in the neighborhood pond. She is lost forever, and the sister believes her doll has suffered a terrible death, and that she has forever lost her best friend.

Being older and wiser, the brother knows dolls do not die. He also knows that his sister will have many best friends in life, and a doll cannot really be a best friend anyway. His temptation is to discount her emotional reaction, because he recognizes it is immature and incorrect. He apologizes for taking the doll without permission and losing the doll in the pond, but he doesn’t acknowledge that his selfishness and poor judgment have caused her tremendous heartache. He just sees her doll as something that be easily replaced. Why should she be so upset? 

This is a lack of empathy. When we are saying to ourselves, or others, that they shouldn’t be so upset, that it wasn’t that bad, or they’re overreacting, we are showing a lack of empathy. The brother doesn’t empathize with his sister’s feelings. He is judging her feelings as invalid, and therefore not putting her feelings first. From his point of view, it was just an inexpensive toy. He does not acknowledge the impact of his actions on her personally. Consequently, he has not gotten to know his sister better, he has not repaired the breech in their relationship, he has not helped restore trust, and has he not learned to be more sensitive to the feelings of others.

What has he learned? Not to launch his rockets near the pond.

ARE YOU THE OFFENDED, OR THE OFFENDER?
In such cases, where a nominal apology has been given, it will seem that all is back to normal. After all, the offender apologized, and the offended has forgiven.

Yet, under the surface there is still an unsettled feeling, and try though they might, the offended is finding it hard to trust the offender, again.  The breech was not repaired. The relationship has been left vulnerable. The next offense, no matter how minor, will bring more destructive. The breech will widen, and it will be harder and harder for that relationship to survive—especially as a healthy relationship.

This is why it is so important for us to learn to apologize in a meaningful and effective way, to be sure we have shown our sincere concern for the other’s feelings. We can only do that through an honest expression of empathy.

You may be reading this is and saying to yourself, “This is ridiculous! I don’t need someone to empathize with me, or understand my feelings. People need to get over it!”

That might work for you, but it might not work for the person you’ve hurt, offended, misused, or taken for granted.

Ask yourself this: do you end up losing more relationships than you keep? Do you find yourself often blaming others for failing you, or forcing you out of their life? I encourage you to allow the Holy Spirit to search your heart. It may be that you are putting your own feelings before the feelings of others, and never realized it. It may not be intentional, but a reaction to your own unresolved heartache and mistreatment. The Holy Spirit can heal that hurt, if we will trust Him with it.

On the other hand…are you reading this and thinking about a wrong apology you have received, or a wrong doing you have suffered? Are your trying to cope with hurt feelings that just don’t seem to heal? Does it seem that you are the only one who can recognize the breech in a relationship?  Do you feel resentment or anger or heartache over a long-awaited apology that still hasn’t arrived?

I want to urge you to go to consider Matthew 5:9, where the Lord calls us to be peacemakers. Partner that passage with Matthew 18:15-17, which instructs the one who is offended to go to the offender.  Your temptation may be to believe the person who owes you an apology also has the responsibility to come to you, but the Bible shows us it works both ways. If you are sitting on an offense, you have an obligation to tell the person. How can it be right to allow that breech to sit unattended, growing wider by the day? Is that being a peacemaker?

Whether it is an unacknowledged offense, or an apology that just didn’t hit the spot, so to speak, go to your brother or sister. Don’t hesitate! “Hey, I know you apologized, but I’m still struggling with this. My feelings were really hurt, and it doesn’t seem like you even care about me.” If they’re clueless, clue them in: “You probably don’t realize it, but when you did/said that, it really made me feel bad.” As I mentioned above, our goal should be restoration in any relationship that has suffered a breech—whether we are responsible for the breech, to not.

Folks, let’s not hold grudges, or give place in our heart to bitterness. Let’s give people a chance to do the right thing. And, let’s do it ourselves. Be quick to acknowledge hurt we have caused, and quick to show empathy and offer sincere apologies. This will absolutely require being willing to take down some walls, or at least open some doors, to share with the other our hurt, or to acknowledge our failure. In either case, it is ultimately pride that will hinder such intimacy.

Yet, such intimacy can bring abundant rewards. While some relationships will not survive an offense, I believe that if we repair these breeches with healthy apologies and forgiveness, a relationship can prosper in spite of even numerous offenses. Even in a very dark, a place that has perhaps been dormant for years, the light of truth can bring forth new life. And, I believe this because it is my testimony. It is my own story.

I hope and pray you will find something here that ministers to you.

God bless you all!

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Kick Off Those Shoes!

/ SaxophoneWife / 3 Comments

Women don’t lie about being abused.

There is too much shame attached. Of course, this isn’t to say there aren’t women who will lie, so maybe I should qualify my statement: I have found that a woman in a marriage she values and wants to keep, to a man she loves and believes in, is more likely to lie by saying she has not been abused, than to lie by saying she has been abused.

And, just in case you aren’t sure where she stands in regards to her husband and her marriage, always assume she is telling the truth.

On the same note, I have found that when a man—any man—makes any statement of denial concerning abuse, he is always judging by his definition of abuse.

And, he is always wrong.

FUZZY SLIPPERS
Recently, a pastor and his wife became quite famous, as she advocated for his freedom from an Iranian prison. He was finally released last month, but the joy of his homecoming was dampened by her confession to supporters that he had been an abusive jerk.

(I might have added the “jerk” part.)

Instead of welcoming him home with open arms, she filed papers and sent the kids. They both remain in the public eye, seeking public affirmation, and claiming they want to keep their troubles “private.” As they both post about their private life on Facebook and grant interviews to the press, their claims to want privacy seem a little disingenuous.

All things being equal, he’s getting the lion’s share of the media attention, and she’s winning the Facebook sympathy vote. Her defenders, aka Team Wife, gather around and reinforce her victimization, while Team Husband assures him this is the Devil’s work. It is how church folks traditionally handle these kind of troubles.

Feeling sorry for the victim is natural, if not very helpful. It’s probably the main reason it took me so long to trust anyone to pray with me for my husband. I knew a pat on the hand wasn’t going to help me. Yes, his abuse hurt me very much, but I knew God did not define him by his sin. Of course, I wanted comforting—living in an abusive marriage is like walking in shoes that are not only too tight, but have cut glass for insoles. I was not about to refuse a pair of fuzzy slippers, but I did not want pity.  I wanted prayer partners to stand in the gap for us both. I wanted warring saints who would not fight against my husband, but fight the Enemy on his behalf.

Let me tell you, there were very few people I could trust. There were even fewer who actually believed he could be delivered.

I don’t know enough about these two people to know if they really want to save their marriage, but if they do, they are doing it wrong.  For more than three years they portrayed themselves as martyrs for the cause of Christ, and now that their secret sins have been brought into the light they each still want to play the martyr in their marriage.  Even worse, they are allowing the court of public opinion to try their cases against each other.

It’s not okay. In fact, it’s sickening. Well-intentioned Christians are feeding their egos with scores of Facebook comments.  Articles and interviews are skewed in favor of whichever victim the publication wants to defend. I suspect ghost writers have already been hired, with book deals under negotiation.

You can say I’m being critical, or worse, but I don’t think I’m wrong.  And, what you may not be detecting in my words is the real concern I have for them, and for the Body of Christ. If we actually care about these two people, then we should pray they stop this public show.

I have walked many miles in the shoes this woman now walks, which is the only reason I have the right to say anything. And, I know there are women reading this who are examining their own shoes right now and saying, “Yeah, those look familiar.” While this woman may never read my words of exhortation, those who are reading these words need to know that there is hope. Being in an abusive marriage doesn’t mean you must endure a life of suffering. However, you will have to reject the easy comfort of those fuzzy slippers. The proper footwear for a woman married to a High-Maintenance Man is combat boots.

COMBAT BOOTS
If you love your husband and want to save your marriage, despite his abusive behavior, I am going to share the short and simple advice I give every woman married to an abusive man. Of course, I prefer the term High Maintenance Men. I coined the term years ago, because I thought it accurately described a man who wasn’t exactly easy to love, but very much worth loving. Men cannot stay high maintenance, though. That is not God’s will. However, He has provided a way for men with abusive behaviors to be transformed by the power and grace of God at work in their lives, and when they have a Proverbs 31 woman willing to walk that walk of faith with them, they really are guaranteed to succeed.

God is always on the side of those who seek after righteousness! 

So, here are seven, simple steps to get started. (Sorry for the alliteration. It wasn’t on purpose!) Mind you: this is my simple version, with minimal detail, but maybe enough to stir your heart to faith and action.

Remember, what God did for me He will gladly do for you, too!

Step 1: Do not protect him.
There are many kinds of abuse. If you are being physically abused, or if he is engaged in illegal activity, leave or make him leave. Call the authorities. God does not honor our protecting him from the consequences of his illegal behavior, and physically hurting you—or anyone else—is illegal.

Step 2: Put your faith in God. 
If you are not a Christian, these shoes definitely won’t fit comfortably. Of course, knowing Christ isn’t a hard thing. Click HERE. Then, come right back. I’ll wait. 🙂

Step 3: Forgive him. 
Sometimes, we hold onto forgiveness like a trophy we will only bestow upon our husband once he has proven himself worthy. Bad idea! This is completely contrary to the Word of God, which makes it clear that unforgiveness is a sin that separates us from the Lord and frustrates His will in our lives. The truth is, unforgiveness is as great a transgression as his abuse. They both divide you from God, and from one another, and you cannot win this fight for your marriage without spiritual unity. You need to be playing for the same team! Holding onto unforgiveness is giving place to the Enemy, and that will only bring more division. It is a very spiritually powerless position that will almost guarantee the end of your marriage. 

Step 4: Trusting him is optional.
Abuse violates trust. The Bible makes no place for holding onto unforgiveness, but it also does not demand we trust. I was very glad to realize that forgiving is not trusting. Trust has to be earned. Even God knows that, which is how we know we can trust Him.

Step 5: Trusting Him is essential.
Recovery is a process that takes time. Walking this road from brokenness to healing is going to require you have Someone to lean on every step of the way, and the only person who will be there for you even before you call to Him for help, is God. Putting your trust in Him as you begin this fight really is essential.

Step 6: Pursue Him.
No one is 100% innocent. Sometimes, women find that they are allowing a lot of “little” sins, like unforgiveness, into their life, and justifying them with his bad behavior. They don’t think of their discontentment as sin. Or, maybe, it’s gossip or greed they overlook. Or, just spiritually neglecting our walk with the Lord. There are so many ways we transgress. This is why I urge you to invite the Holy Spirit to examine your heart, to see if there are any “wicked ways” in you. Then, repent. And, keep repenting. And, then begin to pursue God like you did back in the day, when you were new to your faith. Stop skipping services, and other opportunities to be in fellowship. Take in every anointed sermon you can find (Sermon Index is a great source), and read the Word for yourself. Surround yourself with the Word. Make posters and hang them up around your house! Listen to worship music that is filled with spiritual truth. Pray like every prayer is a life-sustaining breath. You will need to be spiritually fit to fight this battle, so pursue the Lord with all your heart, as if your life depends on it.

Step 7: Leave him to God.
Let God take care him. Hopefully, you are working together to reconcile, so there should be much spiritual fellowship going on, but don’t take the position of being his spiritual mentor. You should not disciple your husband. The Holy Spirit may well use you to exhort and encourage him, but let God have His way with Him. Pray for him, tell God all the thing you think He needs to fix in him, but leave him to God.

NEW SHOES
The burden of recovery is not meant to be entirely on one person. Sometimes, one member is more able to take the steps of faith necessary to begin the process, but ultimately it takes two willing souls.  It is a shared burden, and a shared blessing, through which God can do a wonderful and remarkable work of restoration. And, restoration is my hope for this couple I’ve discussed, and for anyone reading this who is living under abuse.

Sister, kick off those shoes! If you need to pad around in fuzzy slippers for a time, give those blisters a chance to heal, that’s OK. However, you can’t stay in that easy place. You need to get to the work of fighting the spiritual battle that comes with being that Proverbs 31 woman. Abigail did not rush to confront David in her fuzzies! She knew what she was facing, and she was equipped and ready.

One day—this is the good news you need to remember every day—this fight will be over.  It really will! And, when it is done you can put those combat boots away. You won’t throw them out, because you are a Proverbs 31 woman. However, they won’t be your daily uniform. You’ll get to go out and buy yourself a brand new pair of any shoes you want! And, you can let him buy them for you.

Write Your Own

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

Hey, married people.

Just a reminder: you are one in the spirit. What you do impacts each other, which is why you are allowed/expected/obligated to speak up and act out on behalf of one another’s life, health, spirituality, well-being, etc.

If you don’t want to be accountable to anyone, or for anyone, move into a cave and good luck to you. If you want to be happily married, hold each other accountable. Help each other make good decisions. Tell each other the choices that you think are wrong, and help each other make better ones.

Pray for each other like your life depends on it, because it does.

If he or she says it’s none of your business, show him that ring on your finger. You tell him he made it your business when he asked, “Marry me?” She made it your business when she said, “Yes.” You have a right to not only disagree, but force the issue. You have a right to expect your spouse live a life that conforms to the Word of God.

Marriage is hard. It is harder still for anyone who claims Christ as Lord. Don’t feel sorry for yourself or be afraid, though, when it feels too hard to handle. Just take action. Start on your knees, and keep moving. Fight the good fight of faith for your spouse, for your marriage, for your family, and for your future. God’s gift should not be taken lightly. He or she has been entrusted to your care, and his or her spiritual maturity depends on you.

Period.

Oh, I know, they have a free will. They will make choices outside of the counsel of God. That is absolutely right, and we are NEVER responsible for our spouse’s decision to sin. However, the choice to sin isn’t the end of the story. In fact, in many ways it is just the beginning.

Once upon a time the happily married
—though possibly oblivious—
spouse discovered his/her spouse
had forsaken his/her vows…

How that story ends depends on you.

I am praying for you today. It is God’s will to use your marriage as a showpiece of His love for mankind. No matter how broken your marriage may be today, or how badly your spouse has forsaken you, I pray that hope will overtake doubt, and faith will conquer fear. God is able. I can say that with all assurance, because of all that He has done for me.

 “If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am. God, the Father of our Lord Jesus, who is worthy of eternal praise, knows I am not lying.” (2 Corinthians 11:30-31)

 

I Have A Pet Peeve

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

I have a pet peeve.

Well, I have a few pet peeves. I won’t share them all, but I think this one particular pet peeve matters. I think it’s important, because I think it will affect how you read this blog. And, if I ever have something to say that’s worth reading, you should know me well enough to filter my words through a more correct impression of who is doing the writing. Does that make sense? 

I visited a blog the other day – a stranger’s blog, that I just happened to visit. It doesn’t matter which one, though, because there are so many blogs just like it. Too many of them, and they make me weary. I hesitate to talk about them, because I know some of you really do like those blogs. But, they upset me. They hurt my feelings. I know you know them. They are Christian women’s blogs that are written and presented by Christian women who give the impression they have arrived. No, they won’t say that. They will actually make sure they tell you they don’t have it all together—that is the latest marketing ploy—but if you look behind that facade of false humility, you will see that what they are really trying to do is build your confidence in them. It doesn’t matter if they are big-time authors, or small-time entrepreneurs. It doesn’t matter if they are creating this image themselves, or just submitting to the powers that be and going along with the flow. It doesn’t even matter if they are successful, or not. What matters is that they are always selling you a product. The product might be just themselves, but something is definitely for sale. And, that hurts my feelings.

“Well, gee, Caroline, you’re really judgmental.”

Yeah, I know. Better that you understand that now, too, before you read any further. I am judgmental. We’re supposed to be judgmental. It’s a biblical truth. We’ve been told how to judge, and we’re expected to judge and discern a lot of things. If we were more judgmental, the Christian church in America would actually be making a difference in our world. But, that’s another topic, for another post.

Look, I don’t want to make money off what God has done for me. I do want to protect what I have written, so you should know everything on my blog is copyrighted. I am very possessive of my words, because they come at personal cost. However, the content is not for sell. I suspect a day may come when I will compile these posts into something I can share more easily with those who do not have internet access (yes, there are people in America without the internet), but do you imagine I would ever require a price from anyone for something Christ paid for at the cross?  The things the Lord has taught me, and the testimony of how I have applied them to my life, are a work He did. He paid the price.  He alone deserves the praise and glory. If what I write does not bring Him praise and glory, that will be a failure on my part to effectively communicate His goodness. If what I write ever encourages or strengthens you, He alone should receive the credit.

“But, Caroline, the workman is worthy of his hire.”

Really,  you’re pulling that one out? Someone brought that up to us the other night—again. He said: “You should put it out there that Doug is available to speak. Churches will pay for him to come. They will collect an offering. It’s a good way to make a little money. You could use the money, couldn’t you? That would be good, wouldn’t it?”

Pretty sure my hair was standing straight up on end.

I understand that this is the way things are done in the American church, but we don’t happen to follow that line of reasoning.  Doug will always go wherever he is in invited, whether he is asked to preach, testify, share the ministry, lead worship or just play the sax. No, he does not refuse honorariums or offerings. We are in full-time ministry, living by faith. Of course, we need money. However, he will also go anywhere the Lord sends him without an honorarium, because it is never about the money. It never can be about the money. When money becomes an objective in ministry, ministry becomes a product. That’s just not cool. Of course the laborer is worthy of his hire, but my question is, “Who’s doing the hiring?” Do we work for man, or for God? In the secular marketplace, we know we answer to the one who signs our check. She or he is the boss. We work to please them. At least, we do if we want to keep our job. Translated into ministry terms, it’s not good!  You may think this is too simplistic of me, but I’ve actually been in the ministry long enough to know I’m standing on pretty solid ground here. There may be exceptions, but I don’t know of them. Does that mean a pastor should not receive a salary? No. Doug receives a salary as the Director of New Brothers Fellowship. However, our Board, and I believe this is true in every godly church, submits to God and trusts He will lead them as He leads those whom they hire for those spiritual roles within the ministry they administrate. As I told this good person—I know he was only trying to be helpful—Doug is a fine product. I could easily package and promote him. However, God would never bless that. I know there are lots of folks who will disagree with me, and if you think you need to enlighten me, let’s talk. I’m not closed-minded, just convinced of my position. I could be wrong, and if I am, I’d like to know. You just have to convince me.

So, back to the point: I’m not trying to sell you anything. Not even myself. In fact, this is true in my real life ministry, too. I don’t want people to like me. I want them to hear me. I want them to see my example, and follow me as I follow the Lord. But, don’t stop judging me. I tell this to the ladies all the time. Measure everything by the Word of God! I am a big blog of human frailty—prone to sin. All I can offer is a heart that regularly submits itself to the Lord for cleansing, realignment, and duty. I just want to be a tool in His hands. If He chooses to use me here, or there, than praise be to Him.

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The Moon or The Stars

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

“Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

My Mother had a strong optimistic streak to her, and we could count on her for a word of encouragement anytime we needed it. There was always a Bible verse, proverb, or rhyme ready on her lips to support whatever good counsel she was dispensing, and this particular gem really captivated my childhood imagination. I loved the idea of landing among the stars! I know it is more accurate to say, “Shoot for the stars. Even if you miss, you might make it to the moon,” but the point is the same: aim high. Set goals that you know are out of reach.

Well, I am going to do that now. I can hardly articulate the goal, though, because it really is more than I have words and courage to express. Maybe, very simply, it is to just be honest and write an absolutely unfiltered (read: unedited and unpresentable) account of stuff that I think really matters to wives. I guess that is a broad enough statement. And, I know it’s not stuff that matters to all wives, but I know there is a certain population of women that could possibly benefit from reading some of this. I don’t know who they are, but I’m not really responsible for making sure they get to read it. It’s kind of like Doug’s songs. The Lord just told him to put them out there, make them available. So, that’s what we did. We founded a publishing company just to be sure they would always be available free of charge, and then he posted links all over the internet. That was a long time ago now, but people are still discovering his songs, and still being blessed. Not everyone can afford a CCLI license, or sheet music, you know? We made sure everything they needed to use his songs was there for them online. We even had a plan to ship songbooks free of charge to anyone who asked. People say folks don’t appreciate anything that’s free, but a starving person doesn’t care. We want to serve the starving.

So, that’s the story here, too. This is my moon shot. I’m setting my goal far higher than I can ever achieve, but I’m gonna go for it. Another favorite saying from my Mother was, “Inch by inch, everything’s a cinch,” and I’m going to be reminding myself of that little maxim as I go along. Ultimately, I am just going to trust that if I am hearing from the Lord, He will prove Himself as I yield to Him. I’m a nobody, you know? Seriously. There’s no reason for anyone to care about anything I have to say—but it’s a free lunch. And, I know there are hungry people out there who may just be blessed. I have spoken to enough women to know there is a need. I’m not saying the Lord has given me a private revelation (He has not), but He has taught me things in the battle that I know apply to anyone willing to apply them. A marriage is a union of two people, so it takes two people to make it work. If a man is not yielded to the Lord, and unwilling to repent, that wife is going to have to make a hard decision. However, it’s possible that the hard decision she has to make isn’t what she’s been hearing from her women friends or pastor.

Yes, I know. I just said that I might say things that contradict pastors. I know that makes me evil in some people’s eyes. We’ll have to cross that bridge when we get there. Contradicting our church mores is one way this is going to be very unpresentable. Yet, if I am faithful to share what the Lord has given me, I will be sharing truth that will be life-changing for someone. I’m confidant of that, because it has not only changed my life, but the lives of every woman who has been courageous enough to trust and obey the Lord concerning their marriage.

Bold statement. I better go now and find my battle ax. Fear is creeping around outside the door.

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David, Abigail & Nabal

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

Or, The Story of How The Lord Spoke to Doug and Led Him to Ask Caroline to Remarry Him

by Doug & Caroline Gregan

Everything seemingly took place during our time in Arizona this past November, but really this is a story that was 26 years in the making. That is a lot of history, and we will not burden you with the whole story here. We will share just enough to help you understand that this decision to remarry is not about whimsy or romance or tradition. Or, hyper-spirituality. It is actually the fulfillment of a promise.

In 1 Samuel 25, the Word of God tells us of a very wealthy man named Nabal, his wife Abigail, and David. David and his army had been hiding from Saul in the caves of the Wilderness of Paran. On the day of a great feast at Nabal’s house, David sent ten men to appeal to Nabal for food, informing him that they had served him even without his knowledge. They had protected his shepherds and sheep in the wilderness. Nabal was now celebrating the shearing season with a large meal for all his household, and David only asked that he show him favor and give food to him and his men. Sharing of his abundance was a just reward. Instead, Nabal reviled David and flatly denied his request. When David heard this, he and 400 men armed themselves and left the caves to confront Nabal and destroy his household.

A servant, who must have known Abigail was a woman of “good understanding,” alerted her to what her husband had done and to what David was about to do. Abigail quickly gathered enough food for David and his men and sent it with her servants, following behind them on a donkey. When she saw David, she fell at his feet and made one of the most powerful appeals for mercy that we find recorded in the Bible. David recognized that she had been sent by the Lord to keep him from committing a terrible sin, and promptly spared her husband and household. When she returned home and shared this news with Nabal, he had a heart attack and fell into a coma. Ten days later, he was dead.

Upon hearing of Nabal’s death, David exalted the Lord for returning Nabal’s wickedness onto himself, and for avenging His servant and keeping him from sin. Then, the Bible says:

“And David sent and proposed to Abigail, to take her as his wife.”

NABAL
The story of our second marriage began just after I was born-again. Caroline signed me up for David Wilkerson’s newsletter, and in the first mailing I received two printed messages. One message really struck a chord: it was called, “Roving Eyes.” It spoke to the importance of guarding our eyes, hearts and minds from the sin of lust. This was a radical, new concept for me. My exposure to sexual perversion and immorality began very young. I was only a child when I took several pornographic magazines from one of my Dad’s brothers. My parents knew I had begun to look at porn, but never spoke to me about it. I grew up believing that lusting was normal behavior, so that message from Pastor Dave was a revelation to me and the beginning of my education in righteous living. I cleared out my apartment of anything that did not line up with my new life. I was determined to be a man of God.

Caroline did not know about this behavior before we were married. I believed it was over, and did not think of talk to her about it. However, when I fell for the first time, a few months after we were married, I quickly went to her and confessed my transgression. I was deeply remorseful—I did not want to be that man. My new wife did not hesitate to forgive me, and only needed to know that I had thrown the magazine away. For her, this was enough. That ended it. For her, not looking at pornography was just a decision one had to make. She had no idea the hold it had on me, but neither did I. The truth is that she had married a man like Nabal, who would one day be willing to risk everything he had for the sake of his own selfish desires. I had no idea how much I would be willing to lose for sin’s sake, but we were both about to find out.

Over the next nine years of our marriage and my walk with God, I pursued the Lord, served in ministry, and fought the temptation to sin. I also lost that fight more times than I can count. I sought help at every church we attended, but ministers either did not know how to help, or were too deep in a struggle of their own. In the ’90s, I didn’t know of any ministry geared to sexual addiction. I didn’t even know that what I was facing was an addiction. I make no excuses whatsoever for my choices, but there is a spiritual component to addiction that I did not understand at the time. I was in deep bondage. I needed to be delivered first.

About our eighth year of marriage, my company introduced the internet to our workplace. The nature of sin is that it is never satisfied, and the internet offered an endless supply for my growing appetite. By 1997, things were beginning to escalate. My computer became my alter to sexual idolatry. Everyday that I went to work, I would bow at that alter. This was the beginning of the darkest period in our life. I hated myself and felt a hopelessness that was beyond words. I began to believe that the only way out of this bondage was taking my own life. I was in complete despair of ever being free of sin.

ABIGAIL
The porn addict’s wife faces a battle all her own. Satan despises womanhood, and he uses porn to torment women with self-loathing, fear, and insecurity. He uses porn to drive a woman into despair for her husband, her marriage, her family, and even her own life. Though she is innocent before God of any offense, his secret sin becomes her secret, too. She becomes an unintentional co-conspirator in covering it up, because she feels disgraced by it. What if people find out? When people do inevitably find out, some might actually blame her. They cast a judgmental eye her way and wonder, “What could be wrong with her, that he needs other women?” In the ’90s, Caroline had no place within the church community to find support. The prevailing attitude was that an unfaithful man would always be unfaithful. It was the socially acceptable, unpardonable sin within a Christian marriage.

However, Caroline saw things differently. Her conviction was that forgiveness was a mandate from God. Someone asked her once, before we were married, if there was anything her husband could do that she would not forgive. Without possibly knowing the significance of what she was saying, or the foreshadowing in that question, she replied, “If he is truly repentant and God is willing to forgive his sin, who am I to not forgive him, too?” I don’t know how many times I tested her resolve, but I do know there were fewer times than fingers on one hand that Caroline did not forgive me before the “sun set.” More than Caroline loved me, she had a fear of God and a respect for the divine nature of marriage. She will tell you: she did not forgive me, because she loved me so much; she forgave me, because she loved God so much. Her desire to please Him was always greater than her desire to please herself, because she never trusted that she knew best.

Let be clear: nothing about this was easy for my wife. I have put her through more than her share of heartache and suffering, but the same faith that motivated her to pray for my salvation before we were married motivated her to pray for my deliverance. She knew my heart was for the Lord, even when my will was not. I don’t know why she didn’t give up on me, but she will tell you the Lord sustained her. Her mother was a faithful prayer support to us, and a constant encouragement. There were also some friends who stood with her in prayer, without judgment. When the internet came into our home, she sent prayer requests to every hotline she could find. In 2001, when we finally discovered two ministries aimed at sexual sin and addiction, she submerged herself in every book and article she could find. This is when the Holy Spirit told her, “Be like Eve,” teaching her about the spiritual influence and authority He has given wives. She gradually began to feel less like a victim of my sin, and more like a woman called of God to love her husband through the worst battle of his life. She became empowered as a woman of God, partnering with the Holy Spirit as an agent of God’s love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

It was also during this time that the Holy Spirit opened her understanding about a prophecy she had received during our first year of marriage. When I was at my very worst, and when Caroline would have been fully justified to leave, the Holy Spirit revealed to her a future that no one else would have believed. He assured her that her hope was not in vain.

DAVID
Let’s get back to Arizona. It is November 8, 2014. I had been reading Genesis 20:6, where the Lord tells King Abimelech that when he took Sarai into his palace to make her his wife—thinking she was only Abraham’s sister—it was God who kept him from sinning. God kept him from sinning. This really got my attention, so I began to follow the various cross-references that had to do with God keeping people from sinning. This search led me to 1 Samuel 25. The reference pointed to Abigail, Nabal’s wife, interceding on behalf of her husband, whom she calls a “man of Belial,” and “a fool.”

As I read these words, the Holy Spirit flooded my heart and mind with truth that pierced me to the core. He told me that I had been Nabal. He told me that the ONLY reason I had not been destroyed for my years of rebellion and sin was because of Caroline’s intercession. He told me that if she had not pleaded with God on my behalf, I would not have survived. He then said that just as Nabal had died by His hand, so had He killed my former self. My old man was truly and fully dead, and I was liberated to walk in new life.

As I sat on the back porch of my mother’s house, sobbing before God, many things were flying through my mind. I began connecting dots that led me to greater understanding. I looked at 1 Samuel 25 as representing the first twenty-five years of our marriage, and it was there that Nabal died. I believed the Holy Spirit was telling me that the twenty-sixth year was to be a new beginning, and that new beginning was to start with a wedding. The Holy Spirit was very clear: I was to ask Caroline to marry me, again. She needed to know that she was also liberated from Nabal, by marrying the righteous man God had promised her.

THE PROMISE IN THE PROPHECY
I mentioned above that there had been a prophecy. Well, there were actually two prophecies. In our first year of marriage, we attended our regular church on Sunday and Wednesday, and on Monday night we visited a new, Charismatic church. During one of the first services there, we were called forward for prayer and each received a word from the Lord. To Caroline, the Lord said He saw her like…Abigail. To me, He said, “a bruised reed I will not break, a smoking flax I will not quench.” He told me He was “the refiner’s fire, and the fuller’s soap,” and that I was to bind the Word like a frontlet between my eyes. I got the Lord’s message loud and clear: He had a lot of work to do in me!

However, Caroline didn’t know what to think about being described as Abigail. It never occurred to her that the prophecy had anything to do with her new husband—she had no idea what awaited her in our future together. She studied the passages in the Bible where Abigail is mentioned, and even asked one or two people what they thought. Was God just giving her a pat on the head?

Caroline felt in her spirit that there was more to this prophecy, and took the counsel of others to continue praying for revelation—which she did for 12 years. Finally, in 2001, during the darkest days of our life, she received the revelation she had prayed for so long. In a moment when she most needed a word of encouragement from the Lord, and a reason for her hope, the Holy Spirit opened her eyes to the promise in that prophecy. She suddenly understood that God knew her suffering, He saw what she was enduring; she understood that her husband was like Nabal, a son of Belial; and she understood that God had not forsaken her to be the wife of a fool for the rest of her life. The Lord spoke to her heart that one day her Nabal was going to die, and in his place she would have a man after God’s own heart. This was a powerful revelation, especially because it was a word the Lord had given her long before she could possibly know she would need it. That served as an evidence to her of His sovereignty over the present troubles in her, and that strengthened and increased her faith.

But, there was more! There was much more to that prophecy than Caroline knew, and it would be 13 more years. She did not know there was more for her in that prophecy. She was not seeking Him for greater revelation. In fact, she had been ministering this word to women for many years, urging them hold fast in faith and continue to do what was right before God, despite their husband’s choices. Then, one Sunday in the Spring of 2014, we were visiting the very church where God had begun His great work in our lives, Exeter Assembly of God. Pastor Ernie Karjala began to preach, and Caroline could hardly believe her ears. It was a subject she had never heard preached on before—even though she had heard thousands upon thousands of sermons in her lifetime. Yes, to her amazement, Pastor Ernie began delivering a message on Abigail—not a message about David’s mercy or Nabal’s insubordination, but Abigail! She was the heroine of this sermon, and as he spoke he opened up the prophecy even more. He brought a deeper meaning to the story, addressing not just Abigail’s role with her old fool, but also her role in David’s life. It was an affirmation of Caroline’s choices in her dealings with me, and a timely confirmation of her ministry to women. I will not repeat Pastor Ernie’s message, but I will tell you that Caroline definitely got a pat on the head from God that day!

THE PROPOSAL
Never had Caroline ever wanted to renew our vows. I had actually suggested it for our 10th, and brought it up again for our 25th, but to her our vows still held. Our vows were something we lived everyday. They didn’t need to be repeated or renewed—forgiveness righted any violations. A wedding was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and there was nothing about our first wedding she wanted to change. So, I didn’t really know what to expect when I proposed to her. I started by walking her through all that had happened on that porch, explaining what the Holy Spirit had ministered to me and spoken to my heart. I finally told her that He had told me I was to propose to her and marry her again, if she would take me. I got down on one knee, as we were both crying, and asked her to marry me. She said, “Yes!”

Of course, we didn’t have much opportunity to discuss a wedding then, and as time passed Caroline began to think maybe it was better for that proposal to be strictly symbolic. It had been about a month since I proposed, and she had pretty much talked herself out of it between weighing the cost, mourning my Mother’s death, wondering what people would think, the busy-ness of this time of year, and you name it! So, when I reminded her we had a wedding to plan, I almost had to propose, again! It actually took some effort to convince her I was indeed serious, that there was to be another actual wedding, and that this was indeed God’s will that we take new vows. In the end, knowing it was God’s will was all she really needed to know. She broke the news to our daughter right away, before she got cold feet, and Hannah’s response truly sealed it in her heart. God was in this. Wedding planning commenced immediately!

CELEBRATE WITH US
We hope many of you will join on February 28th. There is much reason to celebrate, and we would be blessed to celebrate with you. We would greatly appreciate your RSVP (with total number of people attending), as this will assist us in planning. We want to have enough food and favors and programs, etc.

P.S.
Three resources we recommend for those in the battle:
Pure Life Ministries
Mastering Life Ministries
Covenant Eyes
Please, feel free to reach out to us, too. You don’t have to go through this alone.

God bless you all!
❤