marriage

The Hard Work of Being a Christian Wife

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

(I wrote this a long time ago, but never published it. Why? Well, that’s for another blog post. In any case, I’m publishing it today. And, I am publishing it without editing or second-guessing or yielding to my insecurities. So, typos and all, here it is for now. Maybe, one day I’ll come back and edit it and make it better.)

I sat down with a woman years ago. She had discovered that her husband was visiting prostitutes. She knew he had returned to drinking, but it was the prostitutes that had brought her to the point that she finally reached out for help.

That’s pretty typical. Wives will put up with a lot of bad behavior, even helping keep their husband’s secret sin a secret, until finally their husband just goes too far. Things get out of hand. “It was one thing when he would do XYZ, but now he’s not doing ABC and I think he might be doing LMNOP. I don’t know what’s going on. I just can’t take it anymore.“

Why Did She Take It At All?

So, back to my question: why do women put up with their husband’s bad behavior at all? Well, what I have heard from wives over and over is that they believe their only option is to endure: don’t complain, submit, hold your tongue. If they do a good enough job of suffering in silence, God will finally award them with a godly husband by whatever means necessary, including divorce. Mind you, they don’t know that’s what they believe; they would never confess that with their mouth. Yet, it’s true: too many women are believing that God is going to honor their passivity. God couldn’t possibly be expecting them to do something about their husband’s error or wrong inclinations. They believe thy just have to keep praying for God to help them endure.

That’s the first mistake Christian wives make. I don’t fault them, though. Most Christian women have not been spiritually equipped for marriage. I don’t know if that’s because it takes a lot of work to teach spiritual truths, or if it’s because – well, no. That’s why. Discipling humans is hard work, and churches just aren’t doing it. If a woman isn’t blessed to have a Titus 2 Woman in her life, she’s in trouble. Satan will be sure her ears are filled with every manner of secular humanist thought out there, counseling her right out of her marriage and her faith.

Is there a place for long-suffering? Absolutely! This is a fruit of the Holy Spirit’s work in our life. Just remember that long-suffering is patience, which in this scenario I think we can define as an evidence of our faith in God’s unfinished work. It is a spiritual condition. Instead of walking in patient faith in God, though, wives are white-knuckling their way through a little bit of Hell on Earth.

This is what I think happens to the godly wife full of every good intention towards her husband, whose faith is being worn down with his every transgression: she begins to tolerate his sin. Tolerance is easily mistaken for patience, aka long-suffering. We tolerate his coming home late; we tolerate his ignoring calls or texts; we tolerate his temper or offensive language. We tolerate his making place for boozing and using. We tolerate his unloving attitudes and behaviors. We tolerate his not attending family gatherings, or his skipping church, or his not serving God. Then, before we know it, sin has taken root and established itself in our husband’s life, and consequently in our marriage and family.

What’s A Christian Wife To Do?

Knowing your Christian husband is making wrong choices and not holding him accountable to the Word of God for those choices is the wrong kind of silence. That is not iron sharpening iron. That is not Galatians 6:2. It might make life easier for you in the moment, but in the long run that little transgression (it was just one drink, it was just one look, it was just one time, etc.) will lead him to the brink of spiritual death and your marriage and family to utter destruction.

For the record: a man who confesses Christ is Lord is a Christian. You should not be making allowances for any of the baggage (spiritual, emotional, or otherwise) that he brings with him to your marriage – or picks up after his, “I do.” There is no excuse for sin. Trauma or temperament or lifelong habits may be the cause of his struggle, but they are not to be accepted as a permission slip for sin. Unrepentant sin should have no place in a Christian’s life.

DON’T WRITE THE END OF HIS STORY

Yes, men have free will and they can choose to reject exhortation, accountability, or correction. However, we must not decide the end of his story. Who are we to determine God is done with him?

NO. As long as there is breath, there is hope. So, he’s rebellious to truth. Okay. That’s very bad! However, as a wife we still have a spiritual influence in our husband’s life. We exercise that influence in the spirit, through prayer and standing in the gap. We commit to intercede for him, because that’s what be a godly wife means. Through our tears, we call out to the Father for mercy. In our heartache, we believe by faith every promise of deliverance the Word has given. We cast off fear in the name of Jesus, and put on a garment of praise.

Thank God for God. Thank God for the Holy Spirit and His kind and loving ministry to our broken hearts. Thank God for tiny mustard-size seeds of faith that cannot be denied. Thank God for prophetic words received over the years, but never understood until that moment when we needed them, when the Holy Spirit suddenly opens our eyes to see that not only was He calling us to a deeper faith and great intimacy with Him, but that He had gone ahead, before we ever knew we would marry this man, and had made provision for the loving support and godly friendship we would need in this hard place. Just look around. Reach out to them.

For me, I didn’t think I could possibly take one more emotional hit, yet here was the Holy Spirit teaching me that in my place of greatest pain, it was still not about me. My marriage wasn’t about having a good husband, but about being a good wife. When it was the hardest, if I would yield my will to God’s and allow the Holy Spirit to use me as my husband’s help meet (a spiritual calling on every wife, FYI), He would meet me in that place and give me all I needed.

A Final Exhortations

Make your requests known to God. Think on those things that glorify God. Have faith for the unbelievable and impossible. Being a biblical wife to a spiritually high maintenance man is very hard. At times you feel crushed under the weight of that calling—and, I am convinced it is a calling. The unrepentant husband will tax you heavily, but remember that your prayers for him are for God to be Master, Lord, and Savior. He is willful and continue to reject the truth, but God is on your side. Make your requests known. Stop him, God! Convict him, Holy Spirit! Have mercy on him! Forgive him! Spare him! Save him!

Don’t stop praying. Ask the Holy Spirit how to pray for him! Pray in the Spirit over him. Reject whatsoever things are unlovely and untrue. Banish the lies of Satan from your mind and remember that Fear is a wicked spirit.

Read Philippians 4.

Forgive him. Again. And, again. There is so much spiritual power in forgiveness!

Love him. Be the hands of Christ whenever you touch him. Bless him that curses you. Do good to those that despitefully use you.

Speak truth out loud, because faith comes by hearing—you’re talking to yourself!

If you need prayer, but have no one else to go to, I will pray for you.

Remember, the Holy Spirit is your Comfort and your Help. Depend on Him. He will be there for you. When I had no one to confide in, no one who still had faith or hope for my husband, the Holy Spirit was there. Bless the Lord!

❤️

John Stamos and a Bout of Nostalgia

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

Feeling a little nostalgic today, so I’m blogging old school style. Remember that kind of blogging? No one was trying to make money or get a book a deal. People were just connecting to people who shared something in common with them: they liked to put their thoughts and feelings into words. Eventually, you found yourself returning to the pages where you had a little more in common with a person, and then settled in with the people you decided you liked – and they liked you, too. It was a world of its own, and I’m glad I got to be a part of it. I’m glad I’m still connected with some of those blogging friends, and they’ve now become real friends. That’s pretty cool.

What’d I tell you. I’m feeling nostalgic. Everything has a little halo around it.

So, how did I find myself here? Well, it was kind of weird and unexpected. John Stamos has published a memoir, so he’s all over Instagram, pumping out lots of reels to promote himself. One of those reels fell into my feed, and I ended up looking at his posts.

Now, you have to understand something about John Stamos. He lived in my husband’s neighborhood. So, in my mind that associates him forever with Southern California, specifically the neighborhood where my husband grew-up. That means memories of the first time I met his folks, and we watched that weird John Irving movie with Robin Williams together. It means memories of the last time I saw Doug before Boston, and I really thought it was really the last time I’d ever see him.

It reminds me of the incredibly awkward Christmas evening the future in-laws spent with their future daughter-in-law, alone, when she gave them the stupidest gift in the history of future daughter-in-law gifts. It’s so embarrassing that I can’t even tell you.

It reminds me of the drive to their place from my apartment in Long Beach—that wonderful California Bungalow design is probably still my favorite. And, when I think about that apartment I think about Doug dropping me off and sitting outside talking. What did we talk about then?

That’s when we sat in his car so long I ran in and grabbed a blanket, because it got cold. No, of course, I didn’t invite him to come inside. Never even crossed my mind. It was too much fun to sit together in his dumb little car.

We fell in love in that dumb car. We fell in love over Rocko’s Broccoli-Cheese Soup. We fell in love over a cases of 20# paper and a Xerox 9500. We fell in love over slices from Pizzamania. We fell in love over long-distance phone calls between Boston and Long Beach. I did see him, again.

As I sit at my laptop here, looking around this spare room of ours, I see so much evidence of who we are today, and who were back then. He’s pretty focused: saxophones, keyboards, his laptop and recording gear, HopeMail envelopes everywhere. Shelves of Bibles and overheads and instrument stands stuck here and there. A slide whistle. And, I’m all over the place. Baskets, balloons, and bin. Art I wish I had more wall space to hang. Sewing. Baptismal robes. Stacks of letters from inmates I want to write back. Mementos. Craft supplies. Christmas gifts. Paper in so many forms. Surprises. NBF work. Bins of bins.

Anyway, as I was thinking about John Stamos and the way he talked about his marriage to his first wife, I got really sad. Apparently he had a lot of issues in their relationship and was very angry at her after the divorce. I watched two clips of him talking about her, and there’s this hurt still there. I guess he had to come up with a resolution to his feelings, though, so in the two different clips he blamed himself for not focusing more on his career during their marriage. He said that’s why the marriage failed. That’s a stupid answer. And, he looks uncomfortable saying it. It’s like, dude, you know you’re lying, and we know it, too. But, the truth slips out in between his twitching and grimacing: he was ready to have a family. He’d achieved as much fame as he needed, and wanted babies now. She, on the other hand, was a star on the rise. She didn’t want babies. She didn’t want to be a wife and mother, yet. He still resents her for that. I am forced to believe he actually really loved her. That made me sad. He’s married now to a little girl who gave me the son he should have had 30 years ago. He struggles to say that famous line people always say when they have regrets, but want to sound like they don’t: “It was all meant to be.”

Like cheese fries.

So, I look around at this room that I used to be ashamed of people seeing – so messy, right? I must be a flawed person. As Snoopy would say, “Blech.” Give me a break. I do a lot of stuff and I live in an 800-square-foot apartment. I love this room. It’s where I meet with God. My desk and chair and laptop work best together right in this spot. I love looking across the desk at my husband doing his thing. Wayfarers’ legit started in this room. It’s all good. It’s our life. It’s who we were 35 years ago amplified by time and God’s goodness. Did I mention the dried flowers? My mother-in-law’s knitting basket? This is what making a life looks like. It’s not messy: it’s full. It’s beautiful. It’s touched with the unexpected sticky note on the wall from a grandbaby. I Love You.

It’s a good life.
A life touched by God’s grace,
A life preserved by God’s mercy.

When I fell in love with Doug, I didn’t know what that would mean. John’s (I think we should be on a a first-name basis by this point) book is called, If You Would Have Told Me. Can’t we all say that about our lives? I mean, what is this life? What is this kind of goodness called? I know life could have taken other turns. There were so many times we could have disobeyed God. Well, I mean, there were so many times we did. I think God gave us just enough chances: infinite. Every day, twelves times a day, and twelve times more.

I’ve told Doug recently that I do believe there are some things that could have been better—gone better—if we’d obeyed sooner. It was not all meant to be, John. God didn’t require all that pain and sin and stress and whatever. We could have made better choices financially, when he was working a “real” job. We could have exercised more. We could have prayed so much more and turned off the TV a lot sooner and put away vain ambitions earlier. I would have gladly skipped all my nonsense years, when I let the Enemy get such a stronghold. So much vanity.

God hears those prayers, though. Those desperate prayers we cry out to Him, those prayer promises we make to Him—vows we can never keep, but sometimes we really mean them.

He looks down on us with mercy, too. He knows what we’re made of, where we came from, how strong (or weak) a stuff we’re made of, and He has compassion on us. I know He had compassion on me.

It was January, 1988. Doug’s grandfather had passed away and he had to go to Arizona for the funeral. It was just a few days, but it felt so long. No cell phones in those days, remember? No text messages, no photos on social media, no long-distance phone calls. And, we were just friends, of course. Co-workers. Hadn’t he just flirted shamelssly with what’s-her-name at the Christmas party, and bought his girlfriend a leather jacket? He didn’t call her as soon as he got back into town, though. “Can we meet at Pizzamania?” He was full of thoughts. Those shorts and his sneakers and his dad’s old button-down. His grandfather Marty was on his mind. He was struck by how much his faith was a part of his life. He admired it, but God had no place in his life. “Would you ever marry a man who didn’t believe in God?”

Well, he believed by the time he proposed. A little baby faith, but I sure wasn’t a faith giant. My faith was more about my religion in those days. I had “a few” things to learn—have to be kind to young dumb Caroline, after all. Can’t hold too many things against her, now that she’s old and decrepit. I mean, it took her long time to learn to pray and recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit and discover that spiritual accountability she had to her husband and that money wasn’t security but security was spiritual intimacy with God.

How did we get here? Was it something about John Stamos? Was it Sunday mornings at home, because we have church on Saturday evening? Was it remembering those days in sunny Southern California that led us to a crooked little house in Massachusetts? Was it thoughts of cups of coffee with my husband and maybe a fritter from down the street? Ah…that makes me remember Winchell’s.

Have nice day, everyone.
❤

P.S. Didn’t edit this. Refused. “Let the mistakes prove it’s real, ” she said with a wry smile.

My Filthy Rags

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

I had three major confrontations with the Lord in 2001. They began at the women’s Bible study (testimony here) and continued through the summer, when I finally dipped into a pile of articles Doug had given me to read.

Those articles would eventually be life changing, but I didn’t want anything to do with them at first. Oh, I was very happy for him, because he’d finally found a ministry that actually addressed his spiritual need. It was the first time we’d heard anyone use the term sexual addiction, and these men* had testimonies to back up their articles. He felt so much hope, and I was hopeful, too. Maybe, this was the answer we’d been waiting for, and all my suffering would finally be over. 

You see, while I recognized there was a spiritual war going on, I didn’t realize Doug and I each had battles to fight. I thought this war was his war, because it was his fault. If he would just do the right thing, we’d win the war and live happily ever after. Wasn’t I doing my part?  Keep the home fires burning, Caroline! Despite the fact God had been dealing with me all year long, calling me to yield to His will for my life, I just didn’t understand that there was something for me to do. I was sure our problems started with him, and would only end when he stopped living a chronic cycle of Sin-Repent-Repeat. In the meanwhile, I would be the good Christian wife I thought I was and endure this suffering. Isn’t that what longsuffering means?

HOLD UP

Wives, God doesn’t call us to endure our husband’s sin. If we’re just holding our own, trying to get better at enduring, we’re wasting our time. That’s as far away from being a help meet as we can get. Yet, I know that’s what most wives think they’re supposed to do: don’t quit on him. Without meaning to, they become his enabler.  

You see there is a difference between godly endurance and human endurance, and too often we confuse them. Godly endurance stands out, because it bears spiritual fruit in both you and him. It doesn’t enable him to stay unchanged and in sin, but instead reminds him that his race isn’t over. We don’t ignore his fall and fail to hold him to account, but urge him to get up (repent) and keep going.  

WAIT A MINUTE

I’m not sure when I gave in and picked-up an article, but I do remember the words took me by surprise. Like a tsunami. The first article was called, “Why People Remain in Sin and Bondage,” by David Kyle Foster. I remember thinking that maybe this article would help me understand Doug better, but instead it helped me understand myself better. It was an incredible experience. Yes, it was life changing.  I very clearly recall sitting in bed and sensing the presence of Christ beside me. I could see myself next to Him, my head down, looking at the pure white drapes of His robe. It was then I finally saw my filthy rags. I wept, I repented. My eyes were opened. For so long I had seen myself somehow ahead of Doug on this course, but suddenly I realized we were in the same place. I had no advantage over him, because I didn’t struggle with his brand of sin. I was not further ahead, because I had grown-up in Sunday school classes. We were equally wretched sinners, both in need of a Savior. 

PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN IT

Looking back now, I realize that God was preparing me for what was soon to come. If our family was going to survive the onslaught Satan had prepared for us, I was going to have to rise up out of my selfish version of Christianity and become a woman God could actually use. I was going to have to put my flesh in its place, just as much as Doug would—though in very different ways. I was now in the war.

❤

*David Kyle Foster (Pure Passion) and Steve Gallagher (Pure Life Miniseries)

The Moon or The Stars

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

“Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

My Mother had a strong optimistic streak to her, and we could count on her for a word of encouragement anytime we needed it. There was always a Bible verse, proverb, or rhyme ready on her lips to support whatever good counsel she was dispensing, and this particular gem really captivated my childhood imagination. I loved the idea of landing among the stars! I know it is more accurate to say, “Shoot for the stars. Even if you miss, you might make it to the moon,” but the point is the same: aim high. Set goals that you know are out of reach.

Well, I am going to do that now. I can hardly articulate the goal, though, because it really is more than I have words and courage to express. Maybe, very simply, it is to just be honest and write an absolutely unfiltered (read: unedited and unpresentable) account of stuff that I think really matters to wives. I guess that is a broad enough statement. And, I know it’s not stuff that matters to all wives, but I know there is a certain population of women that could possibly benefit from reading some of this. I don’t know who they are, but I’m not really responsible for making sure they get to read it. It’s kind of like Doug’s songs. The Lord just told him to put them out there, make them available. So, that’s what we did. We founded a publishing company just to be sure they would always be available free of charge, and then he posted links all over the internet. That was a long time ago now, but people are still discovering his songs, and still being blessed. Not everyone can afford a CCLI license, or sheet music, you know? We made sure everything they needed to use his songs was there for them online. We even had a plan to ship songbooks free of charge to anyone who asked. People say folks don’t appreciate anything that’s free, but a starving person doesn’t care. We want to serve the starving.

So, that’s the story here, too. This is my moon shot. I’m setting my goal far higher than I can ever achieve, but I’m gonna go for it. Another favorite saying from my Mother was, “Inch by inch, everything’s a cinch,” and I’m going to be reminding myself of that little maxim as I go along. Ultimately, I am just going to trust that if I am hearing from the Lord, He will prove Himself as I yield to Him. I’m a nobody, you know? Seriously. There’s no reason for anyone to care about anything I have to say—but it’s a free lunch. And, I know there are hungry people out there who may just be blessed. I have spoken to enough women to know there is a need. I’m not saying the Lord has given me a private revelation (He has not), but He has taught me things in the battle that I know apply to anyone willing to apply them. A marriage is a union of two people, so it takes two people to make it work. If a man is not yielded to the Lord, and unwilling to repent, that wife is going to have to make a hard decision. However, it’s possible that the hard decision she has to make isn’t what she’s been hearing from her women friends or pastor.

Yes, I know. I just said that I might say things that contradict pastors. I know that makes me evil in some people’s eyes. We’ll have to cross that bridge when we get there. Contradicting our church mores is one way this is going to be very unpresentable. Yet, if I am faithful to share what the Lord has given me, I will be sharing truth that will be life-changing for someone. I’m confidant of that, because it has not only changed my life, but the lives of every woman who has been courageous enough to trust and obey the Lord concerning their marriage.

Bold statement. I better go now and find my battle ax. Fear is creeping around outside the door.

2015-12-25 02.02.13 (3)

For This Child I Prayed

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Riding home on the train the day I learned I was expecting, I began to pray for my baby’s future spouse. That first day I had no idea if I was praying for a husband or a wife, but I knew God knew, and I wanted to be sure I didn’t miss a single opportunity to intercede for the person who would one day be the most important person in my child’s life. I distinctly recall telling the Lord that I wanted him or her to be as happy in their marriage as I was (and am) in mine. Marriage had been such a trans-formative experience for me—so utterly fulfilling. And, as I had prayed for my own husband since I was 14, I thought this would be the absolute right thing to do for my child. And, I would have their whole life to pray!  I could pray for my child’s one-day-spouse all his or her whole life, too. And, the day Hannah was born, when I knew I was praying for a husband, I began praying with even more specificity.  When I look at Tim, in my heart I say, “For this child I prayed.” I prayed for him all of his life! I remember praying for him in junior high. And, high school, and in those college years. I prayed for his parents, I prayed for his job, I prayed for his purity. I prayed for everything and anything that came to mind. I had no idea for whom I was praying, but I knew my prayers mattered. I knew I was praying for someone real; I was praying for someone God had chosen for my daughter.

About the time Hannah started to begin thinking seriously about what kind of man she would marry, I wrote my own personal “wish list,” and began praying over it. I have always been in the habit of writing prayer lists, because when we write down our requests we give the Lord an opportunity to prove Himself to us. I have often looked back at old prayer lists and had my faith increase, seeing how God answered requests that seemed impossible. In the ministry, this is especially true. Men’s names that showed up on list after list, for years, and where are they now? Free in Christ! It’s great!

So, I wrote my list of what I wanted in Hannah’s future husband. I was pretty specific. It was a step of faith. I stuck it in my prayer journal, and over the years I would remind the Lord of my list. I would pray for him accordingly, using my list to remind how to pray.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I remembered my list. I hadn’t thought much about it in recent months, since Tim came into our lives. But, I think the Holy Spirit wanted an opportunity to prove Himself. He reminded me, and I read down the long list I’d written. I was kind of amazed.  Would you like to see it?

Page One…image

Page Two…
image

I’m happy to tell you that Tim is indeed an answer to prayer. As I watch my daughter become his wife, I will be celebrating my God who hears—if we will only ask. Saturday is very much about Tim and Hannah, but it is even more about a loving God who answers prayer.

By the way, Doug had a list, too. I urged him to give a wish list of his own. Would you like to see it?

image

Yup. That was all Doug wanted. He said, “Well, I know your list will include everything important, so this is the one thing that matters most to me.” I dare say this might be the most important thing we prayed for, and it is definitely something the Lord answered. I have a grateful heart. The Lord has done a very good thing here.

David, Abigail & Nabal

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Or, The Story of How The Lord Spoke to Doug and Led Him to Ask Caroline to Remarry Him

by Doug & Caroline Gregan

Everything seemingly took place during our time in Arizona this past November, but really this is a story that was 26 years in the making. That is a lot of history, and we will not burden you with the whole story here. We will share just enough to help you understand that this decision to remarry is not about whimsy or romance or tradition. Or, hyper-spirituality. It is actually the fulfillment of a promise.

In 1 Samuel 25, the Word of God tells us of a very wealthy man named Nabal, his wife Abigail, and David. David and his army had been hiding from Saul in the caves of the Wilderness of Paran. On the day of a great feast at Nabal’s house, David sent ten men to appeal to Nabal for food, informing him that they had served him even without his knowledge. They had protected his shepherds and sheep in the wilderness. Nabal was now celebrating the shearing season with a large meal for all his household, and David only asked that he show him favor and give food to him and his men. Sharing of his abundance was a just reward. Instead, Nabal reviled David and flatly denied his request. When David heard this, he and 400 men armed themselves and left the caves to confront Nabal and destroy his household.

A servant, who must have known Abigail was a woman of “good understanding,” alerted her to what her husband had done and to what David was about to do. Abigail quickly gathered enough food for David and his men and sent it with her servants, following behind them on a donkey. When she saw David, she fell at his feet and made one of the most powerful appeals for mercy that we find recorded in the Bible. David recognized that she had been sent by the Lord to keep him from committing a terrible sin, and promptly spared her husband and household. When she returned home and shared this news with Nabal, he had a heart attack and fell into a coma. Ten days later, he was dead.

Upon hearing of Nabal’s death, David exalted the Lord for returning Nabal’s wickedness onto himself, and for avenging His servant and keeping him from sin. Then, the Bible says:

“And David sent and proposed to Abigail, to take her as his wife.”

NABAL
The story of our second marriage began just after I was born-again. Caroline signed me up for David Wilkerson’s newsletter, and in the first mailing I received two printed messages. One message really struck a chord: it was called, “Roving Eyes.” It spoke to the importance of guarding our eyes, hearts and minds from the sin of lust. This was a radical, new concept for me. My exposure to sexual perversion and immorality began very young. I was only a child when I took several pornographic magazines from one of my Dad’s brothers. My parents knew I had begun to look at porn, but never spoke to me about it. I grew up believing that lusting was normal behavior, so that message from Pastor Dave was a revelation to me and the beginning of my education in righteous living. I cleared out my apartment of anything that did not line up with my new life. I was determined to be a man of God.

Caroline did not know about this behavior before we were married. I believed it was over, and did not think of talk to her about it. However, when I fell for the first time, a few months after we were married, I quickly went to her and confessed my transgression. I was deeply remorseful—I did not want to be that man. My new wife did not hesitate to forgive me, and only needed to know that I had thrown the magazine away. For her, this was enough. That ended it. For her, not looking at pornography was just a decision one had to make. She had no idea the hold it had on me, but neither did I. The truth is that she had married a man like Nabal, who would one day be willing to risk everything he had for the sake of his own selfish desires. I had no idea how much I would be willing to lose for sin’s sake, but we were both about to find out.

Over the next nine years of our marriage and my walk with God, I pursued the Lord, served in ministry, and fought the temptation to sin. I also lost that fight more times than I can count. I sought help at every church we attended, but ministers either did not know how to help, or were too deep in a struggle of their own. In the ’90s, I didn’t know of any ministry geared to sexual addiction. I didn’t even know that what I was facing was an addiction. I make no excuses whatsoever for my choices, but there is a spiritual component to addiction that I did not understand at the time. I was in deep bondage. I needed to be delivered first.

About our eighth year of marriage, my company introduced the internet to our workplace. The nature of sin is that it is never satisfied, and the internet offered an endless supply for my growing appetite. By 1997, things were beginning to escalate. My computer became my alter to sexual idolatry. Everyday that I went to work, I would bow at that alter. This was the beginning of the darkest period in our life. I hated myself and felt a hopelessness that was beyond words. I began to believe that the only way out of this bondage was taking my own life. I was in complete despair of ever being free of sin.

ABIGAIL
The porn addict’s wife faces a battle all her own. Satan despises womanhood, and he uses porn to torment women with self-loathing, fear, and insecurity. He uses porn to drive a woman into despair for her husband, her marriage, her family, and even her own life. Though she is innocent before God of any offense, his secret sin becomes her secret, too. She becomes an unintentional co-conspirator in covering it up, because she feels disgraced by it. What if people find out? When people do inevitably find out, some might actually blame her. They cast a judgmental eye her way and wonder, “What could be wrong with her, that he needs other women?” In the ’90s, Caroline had no place within the church community to find support. The prevailing attitude was that an unfaithful man would always be unfaithful. It was the socially acceptable, unpardonable sin within a Christian marriage.

However, Caroline saw things differently. Her conviction was that forgiveness was a mandate from God. Someone asked her once, before we were married, if there was anything her husband could do that she would not forgive. Without possibly knowing the significance of what she was saying, or the foreshadowing in that question, she replied, “If he is truly repentant and God is willing to forgive his sin, who am I to not forgive him, too?” I don’t know how many times I tested her resolve, but I do know there were fewer times than fingers on one hand that Caroline did not forgive me before the “sun set.” More than Caroline loved me, she had a fear of God and a respect for the divine nature of marriage. She will tell you: she did not forgive me, because she loved me so much; she forgave me, because she loved God so much. Her desire to please Him was always greater than her desire to please herself, because she never trusted that she knew best.

Let be clear: nothing about this was easy for my wife. I have put her through more than her share of heartache and suffering, but the same faith that motivated her to pray for my salvation before we were married motivated her to pray for my deliverance. She knew my heart was for the Lord, even when my will was not. I don’t know why she didn’t give up on me, but she will tell you the Lord sustained her. Her mother was a faithful prayer support to us, and a constant encouragement. There were also some friends who stood with her in prayer, without judgment. When the internet came into our home, she sent prayer requests to every hotline she could find. In 2001, when we finally discovered two ministries aimed at sexual sin and addiction, she submerged herself in every book and article she could find. This is when the Holy Spirit told her, “Be like Eve,” teaching her about the spiritual influence and authority He has given wives. She gradually began to feel less like a victim of my sin, and more like a woman called of God to love her husband through the worst battle of his life. She became empowered as a woman of God, partnering with the Holy Spirit as an agent of God’s love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

It was also during this time that the Holy Spirit opened her understanding about a prophecy she had received during our first year of marriage. When I was at my very worst, and when Caroline would have been fully justified to leave, the Holy Spirit revealed to her a future that no one else would have believed. He assured her that her hope was not in vain.

DAVID
Let’s get back to Arizona. It is November 8, 2014. I had been reading Genesis 20:6, where the Lord tells King Abimelech that when he took Sarai into his palace to make her his wife—thinking she was only Abraham’s sister—it was God who kept him from sinning. God kept him from sinning. This really got my attention, so I began to follow the various cross-references that had to do with God keeping people from sinning. This search led me to 1 Samuel 25. The reference pointed to Abigail, Nabal’s wife, interceding on behalf of her husband, whom she calls a “man of Belial,” and “a fool.”

As I read these words, the Holy Spirit flooded my heart and mind with truth that pierced me to the core. He told me that I had been Nabal. He told me that the ONLY reason I had not been destroyed for my years of rebellion and sin was because of Caroline’s intercession. He told me that if she had not pleaded with God on my behalf, I would not have survived. He then said that just as Nabal had died by His hand, so had He killed my former self. My old man was truly and fully dead, and I was liberated to walk in new life.

As I sat on the back porch of my mother’s house, sobbing before God, many things were flying through my mind. I began connecting dots that led me to greater understanding. I looked at 1 Samuel 25 as representing the first twenty-five years of our marriage, and it was there that Nabal died. I believed the Holy Spirit was telling me that the twenty-sixth year was to be a new beginning, and that new beginning was to start with a wedding. The Holy Spirit was very clear: I was to ask Caroline to marry me, again. She needed to know that she was also liberated from Nabal, by marrying the righteous man God had promised her.

THE PROMISE IN THE PROPHECY
I mentioned above that there had been a prophecy. Well, there were actually two prophecies. In our first year of marriage, we attended our regular church on Sunday and Wednesday, and on Monday night we visited a new, Charismatic church. During one of the first services there, we were called forward for prayer and each received a word from the Lord. To Caroline, the Lord said He saw her like…Abigail. To me, He said, “a bruised reed I will not break, a smoking flax I will not quench.” He told me He was “the refiner’s fire, and the fuller’s soap,” and that I was to bind the Word like a frontlet between my eyes. I got the Lord’s message loud and clear: He had a lot of work to do in me!

However, Caroline didn’t know what to think about being described as Abigail. It never occurred to her that the prophecy had anything to do with her new husband—she had no idea what awaited her in our future together. She studied the passages in the Bible where Abigail is mentioned, and even asked one or two people what they thought. Was God just giving her a pat on the head?

Caroline felt in her spirit that there was more to this prophecy, and took the counsel of others to continue praying for revelation—which she did for 12 years. Finally, in 2001, during the darkest days of our life, she received the revelation she had prayed for so long. In a moment when she most needed a word of encouragement from the Lord, and a reason for her hope, the Holy Spirit opened her eyes to the promise in that prophecy. She suddenly understood that God knew her suffering, He saw what she was enduring; she understood that her husband was like Nabal, a son of Belial; and she understood that God had not forsaken her to be the wife of a fool for the rest of her life. The Lord spoke to her heart that one day her Nabal was going to die, and in his place she would have a man after God’s own heart. This was a powerful revelation, especially because it was a word the Lord had given her long before she could possibly know she would need it. That served as an evidence to her of His sovereignty over the present troubles in her, and that strengthened and increased her faith.

But, there was more! There was much more to that prophecy than Caroline knew, and it would be 13 more years. She did not know there was more for her in that prophecy. She was not seeking Him for greater revelation. In fact, she had been ministering this word to women for many years, urging them hold fast in faith and continue to do what was right before God, despite their husband’s choices. Then, one Sunday in the Spring of 2014, we were visiting the very church where God had begun His great work in our lives, Exeter Assembly of God. Pastor Ernie Karjala began to preach, and Caroline could hardly believe her ears. It was a subject she had never heard preached on before—even though she had heard thousands upon thousands of sermons in her lifetime. Yes, to her amazement, Pastor Ernie began delivering a message on Abigail—not a message about David’s mercy or Nabal’s insubordination, but Abigail! She was the heroine of this sermon, and as he spoke he opened up the prophecy even more. He brought a deeper meaning to the story, addressing not just Abigail’s role with her old fool, but also her role in David’s life. It was an affirmation of Caroline’s choices in her dealings with me, and a timely confirmation of her ministry to women. I will not repeat Pastor Ernie’s message, but I will tell you that Caroline definitely got a pat on the head from God that day!

THE PROPOSAL
Never had Caroline ever wanted to renew our vows. I had actually suggested it for our 10th, and brought it up again for our 25th, but to her our vows still held. Our vows were something we lived everyday. They didn’t need to be repeated or renewed—forgiveness righted any violations. A wedding was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and there was nothing about our first wedding she wanted to change. So, I didn’t really know what to expect when I proposed to her. I started by walking her through all that had happened on that porch, explaining what the Holy Spirit had ministered to me and spoken to my heart. I finally told her that He had told me I was to propose to her and marry her again, if she would take me. I got down on one knee, as we were both crying, and asked her to marry me. She said, “Yes!”

Of course, we didn’t have much opportunity to discuss a wedding then, and as time passed Caroline began to think maybe it was better for that proposal to be strictly symbolic. It had been about a month since I proposed, and she had pretty much talked herself out of it between weighing the cost, mourning my Mother’s death, wondering what people would think, the busy-ness of this time of year, and you name it! So, when I reminded her we had a wedding to plan, I almost had to propose, again! It actually took some effort to convince her I was indeed serious, that there was to be another actual wedding, and that this was indeed God’s will that we take new vows. In the end, knowing it was God’s will was all she really needed to know. She broke the news to our daughter right away, before she got cold feet, and Hannah’s response truly sealed it in her heart. God was in this. Wedding planning commenced immediately!

CELEBRATE WITH US
We hope many of you will join on February 28th. There is much reason to celebrate, and we would be blessed to celebrate with you. We would greatly appreciate your RSVP (with total number of people attending), as this will assist us in planning. We want to have enough food and favors and programs, etc.

P.S.
Three resources we recommend for those in the battle:
Pure Life Ministries
Mastering Life Ministries
Covenant Eyes
Please, feel free to reach out to us, too. You don’t have to go through this alone.

God bless you all!
❤