My Life

Sunday Worship

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We recorded this in 2002. It is a demo we had to make for technical and copyright purposes. The quality on this particular recording is pretty good, but they aren’t all.

All together, there are 28 songs. The songs are registered with CCLI, however, we offer them to the Body of Christ ourselves—for the sake of congregations that cannot afford a CCLI license or SongSelect membership. So, if you hear a song you would like to share with your church, let us know. We can email you the lead sheet, guitar tabs, lyric sheet, and/or overhead master*. No charge. (That’s why we became a publishing company.) So long as the song or the performance of the song is never sold (even as part of a fundraiser), anyone may use it freely to the glory of God.

We used to have all of this on a website, but the web host suddenly called it quits. We are slowly working to build a new website, but in the meanwhile we will share them via social media. Feel free to share them, too.

Doug has been writing a little bit about the genesis of each song, and this is what he wrote about “You Chose Me.”

“Of all the songs the Lord has blessed me with, this one is the most powerful and complete for me. From the music to the lyrics, the song was penned by the Lord. It began with an email from Caroline, who shared a wonderful truth that the Lord had revealed to her. The truth was that despite everything in our daily life, regardless of success or failure, Jesus’ love for us never stops and He chooses us with the same deep love and compassion He had for us when He went to Calvary. When I read her email, the idea that He chooses me blossomed immediately into this song. In just over an hour it was essentially finished. I pray that it would minister to you the repentance and peace that I believe the Lord intended.”

 I will add that I knew what I was sending him was going to become a song. It’s the only time the Holy Spirit has used me as a “collaborator” in his songwriting. 

“You Chose Me”
Words by Doug Gregan
Music by Doug Gregan
Vocals and Keyboard, Doug Gregan

Christ the Lord is risen today!

 

*If you don’t have printing capabilities, we will mail them to you.

Saturday Evening Post: 4/13/19

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I guess the closet thing we have to hobbies are gardening and grandparenting. Today we took our first trip to the local nursery. They have very wisely expanded their business from just a green house to a family destination, year by year adding something new to the property: a chatty macaw, a playground, an ice cream stand, a miniature golf course, and—Coming Soon!—a cafe.

So, when T & H asked us to babysit this afternoon, and I saw it was going to too nice to stay inside, I thought a trip to Nunan’s was a good idea.

Lucy loved the flowers, jumping in the puddles (in her new boots, that she loves so much she slept in them last night), and playing on the play ground. Isaac was pretty content to sit in his stroller or swing. I had a hard time getting pictures of him, and helping him do, but he had two doggy encounters and visited the goats. He seems to really connect to animals. He also enjoyed listening to some Miles Davis. Who doesn’t?

Mr. Cool
Grammy wanted ALL the hydrangea!
Hoping these gloves work for Lucy.
Such a brave girl. She climbed up the ladder without one hesitation.

We all came home very tired and ready for a snack. Doug is at his meeting now, and I’m on my way to the supermarket. I’m going to really try to remember to take my good shopping bags this time.

My Filthy Rags

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I had three major confrontations with the Lord in 2001. They began at the women’s Bible study (testimony here) and continued through the summer, when I finally dipped into a pile of articles Doug had given me to read.

Those articles would eventually be life changing, but I didn’t want anything to do with them at first. Oh, I was very happy for him, because he’d finally found a ministry that actually addressed his spiritual need. It was the first time we’d heard anyone use the term sexual addiction, and these men* had testimonies to back up their articles. He felt so much hope, and I was hopeful, too. Maybe, this was the answer we’d been waiting for, and all my suffering would finally be over. 

You see, while I recognized there was a spiritual war going on, I didn’t realize Doug and I each had battles to fight. I thought this war was his war, because it was his fault. If he would just do the right thing, we’d win the war and live happily ever after. Wasn’t I doing my part?  Keep the home fires burning, Caroline! Despite the fact God had been dealing with me all year long, calling me to yield to His will for my life, I just didn’t understand that there was something for me to do. I was sure our problems started with him, and would only end when he stopped living a chronic cycle of Sin-Repent-Repeat. In the meanwhile, I would be the good Christian wife I thought I was and endure this suffering. Isn’t that what longsuffering means?

HOLD UP

Wives, God doesn’t call us to endure our husband’s sin. If we’re just holding our own, trying to get better at enduring, we’re wasting our time. That’s as far away from being a help meet as we can get. Yet, I know that’s what most wives think they’re supposed to do: don’t quit on him. Without meaning to, they become his enabler.  

You see there is a difference between godly endurance and human endurance, and too often we confuse them. Godly endurance stands out, because it bears spiritual fruit in both you and him. It doesn’t enable him to stay unchanged and in sin, but instead reminds him that his race isn’t over. We don’t ignore his fall and fail to hold him to account, but urge him to get up (repent) and keep going.  

WAIT A MINUTE

I’m not sure when I gave in and picked-up an article, but I do remember the words took me by surprise. Like a tsunami. The first article was called, “Why People Remain in Sin and Bondage,” by David Kyle Foster. I remember thinking that maybe this article would help me understand Doug better, but instead it helped me understand myself better. It was an incredible experience. Yes, it was life changing.  I very clearly recall sitting in bed and sensing the presence of Christ beside me. I could see myself next to Him, my head down, looking at the pure white drapes of His robe. It was then I finally saw my filthy rags. I wept, I repented. My eyes were opened. For so long I had seen myself somehow ahead of Doug on this course, but suddenly I realized we were in the same place. I had no advantage over him, because I didn’t struggle with his brand of sin. I was not further ahead, because I had grown-up in Sunday school classes. We were equally wretched sinners, both in need of a Savior. 

PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN IT

Looking back now, I realize that God was preparing me for what was soon to come. If our family was going to survive the onslaught Satan had prepared for us, I was going to have to rise up out of my selfish version of Christianity and become a woman God could actually use. I was going to have to put my flesh in its place, just as much as Doug would—though in very different ways. I was now in the war.

❤

*David Kyle Foster (Pure Passion) and Steve Gallagher (Pure Life Miniseries)

Saturday Evening Post, 4/6/19

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It’s an early Spring for us here in New England, and today was a beautiful day. The whole week, really, has been lovely. I am still hoping for one more snow day, but I’m also thinking about how much I want to get into the garden. Our schedule tempts us not to garden at all, but Lucy loves it. I mentioned planting pumpkins, and she got so excited. Hopefully, this week we can get some seeds in the ground.

We celebrated a birthday recently. Lucy is the officially candle blowing assistant.

 

We discovered a new toy. Have you heard of water beads? They’re a fun sensory toy I discovered online. I was able to get Lucy some a few weeks ago. They make for an inexpensive activity that she finds very soothing. They’re very Montessori, offering lots of opportunity to pour and scoop and sort. There are endless applications. We’re just starting.

2019-03-21 14.30.53

 

The kids bought some playground equipment for the babies last week, and they’ve been a big hit. Isaac is still learning to go down the slide—he’s so funny. It was a very windy day, and that’s what you hear Lucy saying, “It’s so windy!”

 

Doug raked some leaf piles this week, and Lucy discovered the joy of frolicking in them.

FlyingInTheLeaves

 

Lucy is tall enough now to stand on a step stool at the sink, and it’s become one of her favorite things. She is exploring what makes a good drinking vessel.  She’s also acquired an apron of her own.

 

I managed to capture Isaac’s infectious laugh on his birthday a few weeks ago. He’s such a charmer.

 

Time with our grandbabies is like oxygen for us. Doug’s new schedule has limited his time with them, but we’re working on that. First things first.

❤

TBT: The Question That Changed My Life

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It’s Throwback Thursday, so I am sharing a post from April 4, 2016. It is about a question I was asked at a critical time in my life in April 2001. It literally did change my life. It was the beginning of the end of me.

Click here to read  “Self-Examinations Are Always Graded On A Curve.” 

Honor Thy Mother

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I want to share a video with you.

I just watched it again for the first time in seven years. It’s a video of my mother, and I hope you will watch it to the very end.

I don’t really know what inspired me to conduct an interview, but I’m sure it was the Holy Spirit. Even the questions I asked her—I sound like I knew what I was going to say. I didn’t. It was entirely off the cuff, unedited. And, I’m serious about watching to the end. I couldn’t believe the last shot. Only God!

By the way, Mother would have been 88-years-old today. Instead, of blowing out candles, though, she is in a place of incredible joy with the One her soul adores. Oh, I miss Mother daily—she crosses my mind a dozen times, or more. How she would delight in her many great-grandchildren! She would be “at the height of her glory,” as she used to say.

Yet, I would not wish her back from Heaven. Instead, I rejoice for her victory over death, and the fact that we’ll see each other again. I can’t wait to find out all she has been doing. What a life she is living now!

So, without further ado, in honor of my Mother’s birthday, I humbly invite you to watch this video. If you are in any way at all touched by what you see, will you share it? Maybe, someone you know needs to hear what she has to say. (It can be share directly from YouTube.)

Thank you for remembering Stella with me, even if you never knew her. ❤

Counting to 30

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We started the weekend trying to define the years of our life. We wanted to pick a highlight or hallmark from each year. Some years it was easy to do, others were sort of a blur. A few years, we just didn’t want to remember.

We also found that it was hard to pick a word to describe some years, because we were often having very different experiences—even though our individual experiences had everything to do with what was happening in the other person’s life.

Ultimately, looking back gave us a lot of perspective. It was informative. Interesting. I think it was a good exercise. Like Doug wrote on Facebook: “You know that God has been in your marriage when you can share with one another the best and the worst of thirty years. and yet be more in love than ever.”

Anyway, we did make a list of sorts, but in the end I don’t know if it’s worth sharing.  Our life has been complicated and wonderful, challenging and beautiful, but all that really matters here is Jesus. His hand has been there through it all, and looking back I see it so clearly, how He walked with us and led us and kept us. In the end, our marriage is something we leave to our children and grandchildren to evaluate, and I hope they see us as flawed as we are and see Him as perfect as He is, knowing that He is why we are still we. ❤

Happy 30th, Saxophone Player. God was so kind to give me you. I know there won’t be marriage in Heaven, but I know we’ll always be best friends. I love you, Doug. XO

Starting the New Year

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If working hard means getting a good start to the new year, then I think Doug and I have a lot to look forward to in 2019.

We took a working vacation over Christmas and the New Year, which meant we worked at home only, no outside appointments. We stayed up late, and slept as long as possible.

We also hosted an Open House for ministry volunteers, which was a lot of fun.

Doug did throw his back out after Christmas, but I knew it was coming. The week before he had been doing a lot of lifting and moving, and I kept hearing him say, “There’s something funny going on with my back.” I also caught a head cold, but if it stays in my head, it won’t be too bad.

It’s going to be interesting this year, because we are rolling into 2019 with so much already in place. Normally, we spend January seeking the Lord for His course of action, His plan for the ministry. Well, He set the course for us before 2018 ended; we just have to keep doing what we were doing. So, we have a running start. I like it!

You know, I was thinking about the highlights of 2018 the other day. Isaac, our grandson, was definitely a highlight. How God moved in my heart was a highlight. Doug and I arrived at a new place of goodness in our marriage this past year, and that was a highlight.* It was almost like we remembered we were friends. Maybe, working together frustrates friendship. I think it might. And, HopeMail has been a very big highlight, too. I love how that is coming along.

However, my greatest highlight of 2018 is something I wanted to do all year long. I actually did work on it throughout the year, but it wasn’t until just before Christmas that all the pieces fell into place. It may not seem like a big deal, and you will wonder why it took so long, but I managed to finally finish our spare room, making it a place where the grandbabies can hangout and Doug can play his piano.

And, when those two things come together, well, my heart is pretty full.

I am very thankful the Lord did not despair of me in 2018. His kindness overwhelms me. He does love us like a Father, and we know that because He doesn’t love us any less when we’re ornery. It’s almost like He loves us louder, to make sure that in our blindness we don’t lose our way.

* I would feel dishonest if I did not add that I’ve been repeatedly cranky with him the past couple weeks, which is disappointing for me. I’ve had to apologize a lot. I want to blame my thyroid, but I think it’s more likely just ugly sin.

Personality Tests, Part 2

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The upstairs neighbor popped her head in today and was telling me a little about her day. She said, “I like to _______________, because I’m a __.”

I don’t like labeling myself. I think other people label me enough, so I feel no need. Plus, I like to keep  my options open. You know what I mean?

I did read something just now, though, that spoke to me.

“_____________s process everything in their surroundings and pay attention to all the sensory details in the environment, not just the people. ____________s will often compare old and new experiences when making a decision, which slows the processing down but leads to carefully thought-out decisions. This means that ___________s have an active dialogue with themselves and usually walk around with many thoughts in their minds.”*

That last sentence was what got me. There is always so much going on in my head. It feels like I’m constantly processing data. Doug is not like this. He often does have a lot on his mind, but I know he isn’t processing data. He isn’t picking up all the stuff people are laying down. We’ll leave a meeting and he’ll have a completely different experience from mine. I wish, sometimes, my experience was like his, but he also benefits from all that I take in, so he often wants me at meetings for that very reason. That’s a nice thing.

Anyway, I’m ultimately Popeye. I am what am, and that’s all that I am. For some people, I’m enough. I call those people kind and generous friends, willing to forgive me for not being more.

❤

*source

I’m a 14.

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I just took a personality test. It’s the latest thing. My daughter mentioned it last week, “I’m a ___ and Tim’s a ___,” she laughed. I had no idea what she was talking about, until I looked at my Instagram today. Others were sharing their results of some test, and I realized it’s what was Hannah had been talking about last week. Eni-eni-gram, or something.

Well, of course, I followed the flock and took the test. With each question, I was more annoyed at myself for wasting time with a stupid test.  Oy. I don’t need anyone tell me I have a terrible personality. I already know this, OK? Anyway, at the end of the test they give you three choices, each one assigned a number, and say they’ll email you your ultimate answer. I still haven’t received the email, so I’ll never know my real number. (The 14 is my three results combined.) Good grief, Charlie Brown. 

It’s a rainy day today. In the 50’s. Not typical weather for Christmastime, but I’ll take it. Christmas is inside. I don’t need snow.

My granddaughter loves my Christmas tree. Well, she loves all Christmas trees. I’m going to be really sad to take mine down, though, because it makes her so happy each time she sees it. “Tree! Big tree!” She says it each time, as though it’s the first time she’s seen it. If the lights aren’t turned on, she will gently insist on it.

I’m at the end of a major purge of stuff. I think this is the fourth time in my life I’ve done this. It’s disgusting how much stuff I willingly burden myself with, stuff that brings me no pleasure at all. Such a waste of life.

Doug is working a lot these days. It’s all good. God has opened many doors, and that’s cause for thanksgiving. I married a saxophone player, you know? His only aspiration in life was to play jazz. I think about that and just marvel at who he is today. Would I have ever imagined I’d be married to a prison chaplain? Never! God’s ways aren’t our ways, and I’m so thankful for that.

I wanted to share my tree with you, and discovered I had deleted the photos from my phone, before uploading them to Dropbox. I did share some of them on Instagram, though. So, here is the link to the tree picture, and if you swipe you can see the ornament parade – if you’re interested. I don’t know how to reclaim photos from IG, but I’ll have to look into it. I guess I can get them from Facebook, where I shared them last week. If you happen to know about IG, though, please tell me in a comment.

Merry Christmas! ❤