Author: SaxophoneWife

Signing Away My Life

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[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]

fifth POST IN THIS SERIES: FIRST PUBLISHED OCTOBER 20, 2011

Well, not really, but it sure feels like it.

Today was a bunch of pre-op business and paper signing. It was a really hard day. Very long. Lots of blood taken. Lots of forewarning. Two EKGs, for crying out loud. (My heart is fine.) We left our house just before 10 a.m., and pulled into our drive-way just before 8 o’clock.

We did finally feel a strange relief, though, when it was all done.

Still, I am so freaked out by every aspect of this. A tube down my nose and throat? Possibly an epidural? Propofol? Really? They’re giving me the stuff that killed Michael Jackson?

I just hope I get lots of flowers. Lots of ’em.

And, I hope I don’t die. I told the Lord that as much as I would so love to be with Him, I just don’t want to leave my family, yet. Oh, it is so nice to think of being with Him, versus staying here. Really, who would want to stay here? Well, me. I’m just not ready to go.

I caught my husband looking at me towards the end of the last appointment. We’d been through so much by that point, so many explanations and questions, and he had such a look on his face. I wanted to smile at him, to make him feel better, like “I’m OK! It’s OK!” But, when I started to smile, I started to cry. I looked away and hoped he didn’t see my eyes fill-up. There are just so many emotions. It’s as if they all bubble up to the surface the moment you release one. Stoicism has its place. At least, it did today.

Until it was all over. And, then, there was relief. And, laughter. And, looking forward to being home with Hannah.

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Good & Bad

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[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]

fourth POST IN THIS SERIES: FIRST PUBLISHED OCTOBER 18, 2011

BAD
It has been a crazy, emotional time.

GOOD & BAD
Eight days until surgery. Wednesday we will be at appointments all day: vascular specialist, anesthesiologist, and then the Big Cheese. I still cannot believe I am going to have my guts cut open. I imagine myself on the operating table, and it’s such an ugly picture. I am kind of glad I feel so bad, though, because it motivates me to go through with this.

I keep telling myself better health and strength is ahead.

At the same time, though, I just feel bad for myself and want to cry.

GOOD
Anemia is slightly improved. Enough to avoid a transfusion. So very glad for that. My blood thinning level wasn’t enough to warrant stopping the shots, but it is finally moving in the right direction.

BAD
I keep tell myself that one day this is all going to be old news. The past. Something that happened a long time ago. I’ll look back and it won’t be a big deal. I’ll laugh and say, “Yeah, it was THIS BIG!” Or, maybe, I’ll miss the time with Doug, driving into Boston on a sparkling, Fall day, right in the middle of the week. Maybe, one day, I’ll just think about how wonderful Hannah has been, without the fear my days with her are shorter than I think.

GOOD 
One of my nieces sent over a bunch of food today for our freezer. I am so touched. I mean, really, just blown away. I am quite emotional about it. Meals are like this incredible burden when someone in a house is in the hospital or very sick. So, having a meal in the freezer is huge.

BAD
My poor husband has been having the worst of times. I hate that I am so much a part of his burden.

GOOD
We received a most remarkable gift. It was a like being on the Price Is Right: a brand new washer and dryer. Can you even begin to imagine what kind of blessing that is for us right now? I still can’t believe it. How could someone do something like that for us? Yes, the giver is someone who has known about NBF since it’s beginnings, and over the years he’s known some New Brothers personally. However, that is still a very generous thing to do. It is also a solution to what has been the biggest, practical problem of our time on this missionfield these past seven years. The loving kindness of the Lord and His people is quite humbling.

GOOD
Babies are coming over tomorrow. My dear daughter was supposed to go to their home to sit for them, but Doug is out all day. So, she made arrangements for them to come here. She didn’t want me to be alone.  Sweet, huh? I’m looking forward to them.

– – – – – – – – –

Well, I guess it is time to go. Must find God’s peace in the midst of this storm.

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Bed-rest Can Make You Tired

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[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]

Third post in this series: FIRST PUBLISHED October 14, 2011

Been ordered back to bed. My leg was swelling, again. That’s a drag. Next week I see a vascular specialist, who will make a plan for surgery.* They are talking about a temporary filter, and continuing the injections right up until surgery. I am so tired of these injections. It takes an awful long time to push 150 mg. of stuff into a person. By midway, it starts to burn. Doug does such a good job. He hates having to do something that hurts me, so I try not to let on. Just breathe. It’s hard not to react, though. Oh, well. Hopefully, they won’t last much longer.

My CA-125 results came back, but the nurse said that this test alone is not a good indicator of ovarian cancer. Normal is anything below 35. My number was somewhere in the high 40s. She said that the size of this thing alone could give a false positive, so I think we’re going to have to wait until surgery. I am not thinking this is cancer, though.

Anyway…it’s late. I’m tired. I miss normal, but I am trying to remind myself that this will all be over really soon. The end of the year is just around the corner, and by then I should be fully recovered and living large once again. Honestly, that isn’t so long to wait for the good that awaits me. Modesty and discretion prevent me from sharing all that is going on, but my quality of life is definitely going to improve, if all goes as well as hoped. I look forward to that!

In the meanwhile, I keep surrendering. It’s such a good posture for the Believer, only holding onto the Lord.

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A favorite painting helped pass the time. Artist: Cathie Boucher. (cathieboucher.com)

*Thank the Lord, I did not have to have surgery for the blood clot.
I did have to continue those darn injections until April, though. :/ 

Cancer Is A Very Big Word

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[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]

Second post in this series: FIRST PUBLISHED October 12, 2011

This is the moment I first realized I might have cancer.

yawkey

We were at the intersection, getting ready to turn. We had been looking for an address, not a building.

Cancer is a very big word, but there it was, right there on the side of the building, for everyone to see. Why aren’t they being more discreet?  We turned the corner—there it was, again! Everywhere. CANCER!

Once we were inside the building, I began noticing the people. Scarf-covered heads. Pale and fragile people, walking as though they were measuring every step. A lot of blank expressions, a lot of bowed heads. Did we all have something in common? Was I like them?

The visit was surreal. I felt like I was floating through the whole experience. I really think the Lord just gave me the grace to get through it. My only prayer before leaving our car was that I just not start crying, and I didn’t. In fact, I feel pretty relieved. So does Doug. We have a lot of confidence in the surgeon.

This may sound strange, but I was glad he was horrified by how large the mass is, and was eager to remove it. I will have an extremely long incision,* because the mass extends up so far, but it will be so good to have it gone. It keeps growing, you see, and I feel very much like a pregnant woman in her 10th month. He says surgery will be within two weeks. “As soon as possible.”

As for it being cancerous. I will probably know tomorrow. He took a blood sample for a CA-125 test. Of course, I am hoping this is not cancer, but I know it might be. Ovarian cancer happens. I really don’t want it to happen to me, but if it’s going to happen I can’t imagine a better place to be for treatment.

Cancer is a very big word.  I know God is not intimidated by it at all, so I am just going to trust that He knows what’s best.  I will find peace with God on this, because…well, He’s God. He’s the one in charge. When I said, “I surrender all,” He took me seriously, and I’m so thankful He did!

I know I can trust Him.

“If God asks that you bend, bend and do not complain.
He is making you more flexible, and for this be thankful.”
(Terri Guillemets)
‎”Before me, even as behind, God is, and all is well.”
(John Greenleaf Whittier)

 

*I woke up this morning feeling pain at my incision. It was  a strange
sensation to wake up to on this particular day. Not to worry, though:
a nurse told me I wouldlike feel those little twinges for a very long time.

“Courage, Dearest”

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]

first POST in this series: published October 4, 2011

When I logged on to Xanga today, I had just learned some news that sent Fear rushing through me. Crazy how Fear rises up so suddenly and powerfully. I thought a little blogging would help me cope. Instead, I saw a pulse that PrincessKristi had just posted:

“Courage, Dearest.” – Aslan

It took my breath away.

As suddenly as Fear had asserted itself in my heart, tears filled my eyes and I felt that comforting presence of the Holy Spirit.

Oh, sweet comfort!

It was if the Lord Himself was whispering those words in my ear. It was just what I needed to hear, and it really made all the difference.

Now, at the end of the day, I have some good news. My doctor has given me permission to get off of bed rest*. Yea! The pain in my leg is almost all gone. I won’t go crazy with being up, but it sure was nice to get to help with dinner a bit.

My blood is not “therapeutic,” yet, so I must continue the shots and take more Coumadin. However, Doug has become very adept with the syringes. The medication still burns and stings as it makes its way into my bloodstream, but I don’t feel the needle. That’s a very nice thing!

I dread that when this clot is done and I’m off Coumadin the Big Thing is still to come, but today I learned the name of my surgeon. I looked him up online, and he sounds pretty impressive. His interests include “suspicious pelvic masses.” So, there you go.

“Courage, Dearest.”

I must keep reminding myself.

narnia-3-aslan-111705a

*The cancer had brought on a blood clot in my leg.

Do You Feel Like A Deflated Balloon??

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ONCE UPON A TIME, you had a marvelous encounter with God. You felt His love all around you. You knew you were loved, and you only had eyes for Jesus. He was the only One for you. Everything in your life felt right, it felt good. No mountain seemed too high, because you were floating on a heavenly cloud of His grace and love.

But, something happened. Something changed. God didn’t change. His love for you sure didn’t change. Yet, instead of feeling lighter than air, you began to feel like a deflated balloon: abandoned, powerless, and pointless.

I WAS WITH DOUG ONCE, as he counseled a man who had been struggling with sin. His old man kept showing up, leading him back into the life Christ had saved him from years earlier. He became so frustrated and upset as he talked about how hard it had become to live righteously, that he finally burst out and said, “I need to get that feeling back. I don’t have that feeling anymore.”

In essence, he was saying he wanted to go back to the Damascus Road, back to that time and place where he first met Jesus, where he first felt His love, and where he first knew Christ as Savior.  He thought he could finally be obedient, again, if he could just have that old feeling, again, too.

He was looking for a Jesus fix, and that’s as wrong as it sounds.

OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST is experiential, but while our initial experience with Jesus is something we should always remember and share,  we should be having new experiences with Him every day! 

In Revelation 2, the Lord speaks to the church of Ephesus about their Damascus Road experience. He is telling them: Remember when? 

 “Yet there is one thing wrong; you don’t love me as at first! 5 Think about those times of your first love (how different now!) and turn back to me again and work as you did before; or else I will come and remove your candlestick from its place among the churches.” (Revelation 2:4-6, TLB)

It reminded me of what this Brother had been talking about to Doug.  However, notice the Lord’s instruction. He doesn’t say, “Go back to the Damascus Road! Let’s start this relationship over.” No, His exhortation to Ephesus is, “Repent. Or, else.” They have lost that lovin’ feelin’, because  they have forsaken their relationship with Him, choosing self and sin over service and Him.

But, there is still time! There is still time to repent and turn back. The ball is in their court.

THE BALL IS IN OUR COURT, TOO. If we’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’, it’s not Christ’s fault. He hasn’t lifted His love from us. He hasn’t stopped interceding for us before the Father, or showering us with His mercy and grace. He hasn’t forgotten us, or cast us aside. He has remained faithful. It is we who stop short and turn away, falling back into our old life.  It is we who stop loving Him, not the other way around.

I know. I read that and think the same thing you may be thinking: “No! I love God with all my heart.”

Yet, when I have found myself in that place, feeling spiritually deflated, powerless, and pointless, I ask the Holy Spirit to truly examine my heart, to see if there is any wicked way in me (Psalm 139:23-24), and I always find that there is a lot more compromise than I could see on my own. Self and sin are so blinding, so deceitful. It is why we often stay in those places of compromise so long, because we trust too much on our own judgment, instead of remembering that only He can judge our heart.  We cannot trust our feelings, or our judgment. We need the Holy Spirit to open our eyes.

Then, when we have allowed the Spirit of God to search us and the Word of God to test us, we know how to repent. As we humble ourselves before the Lord once again, prostrating ourselves at His feet in repentance and surrender, we will find that feeling we were missing. Our hearts will once again be full of love for our King. And, we will find ourselves walking in the ways of righteousness with a greater strength, purpose, and lightness!

THERE IS HOPE, MY FRIENDS. So much hope! Turn away from the compromise, the sin, and the selfish lifestyle. Turn away from satisfying your flesh, and be restored to the One who loves you best, the One whom your soul longs for!

God bless you, dear ones. Jesus loves you, right where you, but He longs for you to walk in true freedom, power, and victory. I long for that for you, too!

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P.S. Psalm 130 is just such a perfect passage to encourage our hearts, when we are sin-sick and hurting.

PSALM 130:1-6 (TLB)
From the depths of despair, O Lord,
    I call for your help.
2 Hear my cry, O Lord.
    Pay attention to my prayer.

3 Lord, if you kept a record of our sins,
    who, O Lord, could ever survive?
4 But you offer forgiveness,
    that we might learn to fear you.

5 I am counting on the Lord;
    yes, I am counting on him.
    I have put my hope in his word.
6 I long for the Lord
    more than sentries long for the dawn,
    yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.

Today’s Journal: 9/12/16

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Outside my window it is easy to tell that autumn is just around the corner.  I love this time during the year, when we transition from one season to another. I love transitions.

I am thinking about…

  • the week ahead
  • the evening ahead
  • Christmas
  • Weekly Reports to be finished
  • the next newsletter
  • Hannah’s Baby Shower
  • eBay
  • dinner
  • Thursday’s NBFW
  • my sister’s upcoming birthday

I am thankful for a friend who came to do the edging for Doug—such amazing kindness and generosity.

I am reading the latest issue of Christianity Today. Their cover article is on prison aftercare; a friend thought I might like to read it, and loaned me her copy.

I am working on cleaning plastic containers from the Christmas Cookie Campaigns of years past. There were five boxes in my shed, and I didn’t realize how many were still dirty.

I tell ya, every cookie crumb reminds me of those happy events, and all the dear folks who baked cookies. So many people made it possible for us to collect 6,000 home-baked cookies. Oh! Can you imagine? It was so awesome!

I am hoping the Lord “opens the door at little wider” for Tim and Hannah to make a move before Baby arrives.

I am praying for the Fellowship Night coming up next month. And, adding prayer to my above hope!

I am meditating on forgiveness and unforgiveness.

Postscript
Picked a bunch of zinnias this week. Such happy flowers!

zinnia-basket

Also, created a new header for the blog. Did you notice it?

cropped-peony-header1.jpg

 

Finally, for those who don’t know what I mean by cookie containers and the Cookie Campaign, here are some pictures.

Preparing the insert for the Christmas cards.
Hannah and Samantha got a little giddy after filling 400 bags with candy.
A bag for every man, and every officer.
The beautiful bag every man received, hand-decorated by my sister.
Boxes and boxes and boxes of packaged cookies.
Some of the empty containers.
Ten cookies in every bag.
So many cookies, all baked by someone somewhere, wanting to be a blessing.
I love that so many people, from so many churches, worked together for one cause. ❤
The senior group from a local church volunteered to sign Christmas cards for us, adding a personal greeting for each man. ❤
Organizing Christmas cards, and making sure they all had a Bible verse. I also made sure there were no cards with messages like, “Hope you have a merry Christmas with your family.”
Seriously, the cookies came from all over. Aren’t they awesome?!

Quotes to Consider

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Vincent van Gogh (Dutch, Post-Impressionism, 1853-1890)
Self-Portrait, 1887
Oil on artist’s board, mounted on cradled panel; 41 x 32.5 cm (16 1/8 x 12 13/16 in.). Art Institute Chicago

“What am I in the eyes of most people — a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person — somebody who has no position in society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then — even if that were absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love in spite of everything, based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion. Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me.”

A Recorded Miracle

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Have to share this!

It isn’t common to get to see a miracle—much less hear one. However,  a real miracle took place in a Sunday school class in Texas. The class was being recorded, so the moments before, during, and after were captured on tape.

Please, take five minutes to watch. this video I know you will be blessed.

The information in this post was gleaned from this article:“It’s a Miracle! God Heals This Pastor as He Preaches on Healing.” I encourage you to click on the link and read more about Pastor Duane Miller.

Be encouraged, friends. God is still a miracle-working God!