Marriage

Being His Help Meet

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

“The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain.” (Proverbs 31:11)

There is a lot that can be said of spiritual accountability. There are a lot of ways we find accountability within the Body of Christ: between pastor and congregant, between co-laborers, between fellow church members—to name but a few. There are formal accountability relationships, and there is that more casual accountability we expect from everyone within the Body. It’s a huge topic, with lots of room for discussion, debate, and disagreement.

However, I am limiting the focus here to one accountability relationship that exists for every married*, Christian couple: the spiritual accountability between a husband and wife. More to the point, the responsibility a wife has before God to hold her husband accountable to the Word of the Lord. We are not to be one another’s correctional officers, and we are not to be the Holy Spirit’s conviction (not that we could be), but we do have an accountability before God for the one whom the Lord says should safely trust in us.

IN THE BEGINNING

I think it is vitally important to the Body of Christ—to every Christian marriage—that wives walk in the vital role God has given them: being a help meet for their husband. In fact, I believe many broken marriages, as well as much of the spiritual compromise in the church today, can be traced back to wives who neglected this responsibility.

Pardon me, while I duck for cover.

I realize that on the surface my statements may sound harsh or unfair. It will probably sound especially cruel and unkind to the wife who is suffering under the burden of her husband’s habitual sinfulness. However, one should not presume I hold a wife responsible for her husband’s choice to sin against God. Never. Perish the thought! He is a freewill agent. However, too many women raise their hands in despair at the thought of their husband’s transgressions. They play the role of victim, instead of walking in the role Christ has given them. They lament his sin, but are unwilling to rise up like Abigail to stop them. And, honestly, I don’t blame the modern, Christian woman. Who has ever preached a sermon on Abigail, except Ernie Kajala? Who is talking to wives about being a help meet? It sounds like something straight out of the 17th century. Who believes in help meets anymore? Well, I do. It’s the first calling God gave to women, and He is still calling wives to be help meets today.

This subject is so much bigger than this blog post can handle, so I will only touch on one aspect of being a help meet: accountability.  I hope I will be able to share enough to exhort and encourage any Christian wife who may be reading this, looking for a way to help her struggling husband—or, just striving to be a more godly wife. God has entrusted wives with a very important role to play in their husband’s lives, but He has also given them tremendous power with which to do it.  I truly believe that any wife who will embrace the responsibility of being a help meet to her husband will see her life, husband, marriage, and family transformed for the glory of God. Truly, we ignore this aspect of being his help meet at our own peril. It may be his spiritual life, but it is our marriage. Our family. Our life. Do you want to lose it, or are you willing to do whatever it takes to save it?

IN HIS OWN WORDS

We have all seen the woman standing beside her husband at the podium, listening as he confesses to the world his transgressions. Often, these are political couples, but there have been far too many ministry couples in that very same position. Of such scandals in recent history, one ministry couple stands out to me, and the wife’s words are telling.

I am speaking of Ted and Gayle Haggard. In 2005, Time magazine called Ted Haggard one of the most influential evangelical Christians in the country, but a year later he would face the pain and shame of having his secret life brought into the light.

It wasn’t only his secret life on display, though. The eyes of the world were focused on her husband, but I was only paying attention to her. The wife. I watched her. I waited to see what she would do. While some pitied her, feeling indignant on her behalf, I asked, “Didn’t she know? How could she not? Why didn’t she do anything about it?”

In a televised interview** three years after the headlines broke the news of his hidden life to the world, Brother Ted shared that he had prayed repeatedly for God to do whatever it took to stop him from continuing down this road. He says he promised God: “Never again.”

In reading the article written about the interview, it is clear our Brother was in a hard battle. He came into marriage sexually broken by abuse from his childhood, but his efforts to seek spiritual counsel never addressed that brokenness.

Does the abuse from his childhood excuse his sinful choices? Absolutely not. Did the fact his attempts to seek help lead nowhere pardon his guilt? No. Brother Ted broke the laws of man and God. And, the consequence of his sinful choices brought a tremendous amount of trouble to his family and to the Christian church.

IN HER OWN WORDS

Ted Haggard’s story isn’t an original. We’ve heard it over, and over, and over. Unfortunately, his wife’s story is familiar, too.

In the same interview, and in a subsequent interview*** conducted after her book, Why I Stayed, was published, Gayle Haggard said she had known of her husband’s struggle since early in their marriage, but “assumed” it was under control.

When Ted confesses his guilt to her, after the news broke, she said, “I can’t think of anything that would have been a greater shock.”

Where was the accountability!?

I actually think Ted and Gayle would appreciate my using them as an example, because I believe they know there was a breakdown of accountability in their relationship. At least that is what is indicated in things I have read. I do not know them personally, but I believe Gayle when she describes herself as naive. I would say most wives are probably just as naive. She said he had told her about a non-contact, sexual encounter with another man, but she had not understood the gravity of what he was saying.

Honestly, my heart goes out to my Sister. She was a bride in the ’80’s. There was little to no ministry for anyone struggling with sexual brokenness in the 1980’s. Who could they have gone to for help? She says she prayed for her husband, and went on with life. This was after the birth of the third of their five children. She had a lot on her plate. Holding her husband accountable wasn’t something she even considered.

And, it should be noted, anyone living with a habitual sin is going to become a very good liar. The strength of their ability to deceive others is what allows their behavior to continue for so long.

IN MY OWN WORDS

Doug and I moved back to the East Coast just in time to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in the city where we were married, Boston, Massachusetts. We couldn’t afford to stay at the same hotel we had stayed in for our honeymoon, but I found a very good substitute. I was so excited. A weekend away with the love of my life in the city of our dreams. It couldn’t get any better for me.

Yet, for Doug, it seemed things couldn’t be any worse. I kept feeling like I had to cheer him up, prod him on. He didn’t seem very happy. I didn’t understand. In truth, this was how he was normally, but I thought on our 10th anniversary, away in Boston, staying in this really cool place, that he’d be a little happier.

I wouldn’t find out that weekend, but soon after I learned the reason behind his bad mood, behind all of his bad moods, and the night he finally explained was a very long and painful one. It was the night my husband confessed he had been living in secret sin.

Like Gayle, I had known of his struggles. I knew very well. And, like Gayle, I “assumed” that since his last “confession” everything was fine. I didn’t know I had a responsibility to hold my husband spiritually accountable. I didn’t even understand what that meant.

Instead of seeing my part in his failure, I got mad. I cried. I yelled. I accused. I threatened. I did everything wrong. Especially, when dealing with someone in addiction and brokenness. I didn’t know better, that’s for sure. I had a few lessons to learn. Yet, the worst thing about it all was that I lacked the spiritual strength to stand against the Enemy’s assault. I was so compromised in my own walk that faith could not rise up. Friends, it is much easier to point a finger of blame, than it is to conduct a rescue mission when our husband has sailed off course. It takes real spiritual muscle to grab someone out of the grip of sin.

As I said earlier, we are not one another’s correctional officers, and we are not to be the Holy Spirit’s conviction, but we should be making a deep, spiritual investment in the lives of the one whom the Lord has brought us into the most intimate of relationships. That spiritual investment is vital, if we are going to be able to support them as a help meet. It is also the groundwork we must lay, before we can hold our husband’s accountable.

BIBLICAL ACCOUNTABILITY

Someone on Twitter shared a list of rules a girlfriend has written up for her boyfriend. It was a very strict list of things he could not do, she would not do, and he had to do. I read it and felt sorry for any man who would submit to that kind of woman. Everything on her list was born from fear—fear he would be unfaithful, fear she wasn’t good enough, fear of being mistreated, etc. It was really sad. I felt sorry for her, too.

Trying to hold our husbands accountable by controlling them is not biblical accountability. Controlling your husband’s behavior will not help him become a godly man, or bring him freedom from sin. It won’t bring the fearful wife peace of mind, either. She is counting on herself, not God. That’s a fatal mistake. If we are not willing to give God control, we are denying His sovereignty over our lives and our marriage. We are hindering our husband’s spiritual growth.  We are denying the fact that he has an independent relationship with God, and that God loves him much more than we do—He has much more invested in him, and is much more wanting him to walk in righteousness. The controlling behavior is born out out of fear, and where fear rules faith cannot. I tell wives they don’t have to trust their husbands, but they do have to trust God. For most of us, we just are not walking close enough to the Lord for the job He has given us as help meet. Wives want the fix to all be on his side. He’s the one with the problem. He’s the one who needs help who needs to change. Well, he’s the one you married, sweetheart. And, God custom made you to be his help meet.

Accountability is important in our house. We believe we need to hold one another accountable, and as Christians we hold each other accountable to the Word of God. The Bible is our standard. And, that’s challenging! After I learned of this secret life of sin Doug lived, the first thing God told me to do was to minister to him. Minister to him? But, God, I’m the victim. I’m the one hurting here. God saw things differently, and I had a choice: see it God’s way, or try to go it on my own.

Well, I knew I couldn’t go it on my own. And, I feared disobeying God. The Bible is very clear that we are to obey God, so there was no way I could ignore His directive.

I don’t like that my husband came into marriage with sexual brokenness, and I have failed 500,000 times at being a godly help meet to him. However, the times I have been able to serve him well have only brought a blessing to my life, my marriage, and my family. More importantly, though, he is a transformed man. He is not the man I celebrated ten years of marriage with, and he’s not even the man I married again after 26 years. Years and years ago, God gave me a vision of who the Saxophone Player was called to be, and I have seen that vision come to life. That has been God’s work in his life, and his yielding to the Potter’s hand, but I know I have played a small part in who he is today. I am so thankful for a God who takes the broken and makes them whole. It is a process that will likely take our entire life on earth, and still not be completed until Heaven, but we must remember this life on earth is fleeting. As long as it might be, it is only a blink of the eye compared to the eternity we have before us. We must also remember that God is using our husbands to perfect Himself in us. Not every wife will marry a man with the same challenges, but every wife is still called to help her husband meet God’s expectations for his life. He may be a dandy fellow with no secret sin, but is he serving God in his community? Is he leading his family as the priest of his home? Is he laying up treasures in Heaven, or only on earth? Or, is he so busy working for the Lord he is not caring well for his relationships with his children, or family? I don’t know your husband, I don’t know God’s call on his life, but you do. As his wife, the Lord has entrusted you with this responsibility. Embrace it. He will help you accomplish it. He will help you learn to surrender to Him and walk closer to Him and trust Him more than what you see with your own eyes.

LET’S REVIEW

  1. Christian wives are called to be their husband’s help meet.
  2. Part of being his help meet means holding him accountable to God’s Word.
  3. We must have a strong, intimate relationship with the Lord in order to do this.
  4. Faith must rule us, not fear.
  5. Seeing our husbands surrendered and submitted to the control of the Holy Spirit should be our objective, not trying to control them ourselves.
  6. God cares about our husbands more than we do, and has a much more vested interest in his victory over sin.
  7. It takes obedience to serve our husbands as their help meet. God will equip us and lead us in doing this, if we will obey Him

I pray God bless any wife who is reading this. God will lead you and help you as you seek to obey Him in being a help meet to your husband.

*There are some important relevant differences between married and unmarried Christian couples where spiritual accountability is concerned, but that is a subject for another post.

**On January 31, 2009, Ted and Gayle Haggard were interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. LINK

***In January 2010, Gayle Haggard was interviewed again by OprahWinfrey. LINK

10 Very Good Reasons to Shower Her with Flowers

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

The new Bride observed the beautiful flowers the Saxophone Player brought me at Christmastime. “Tell my husband to buy me flowers, too,” she said. I laughed to myself and thought, You’ve been married for two weeks. Give the guy a chance!

I know women aren’t all alike, but some of us need romance like we need rainy days in bed—and, if that evoked images of cozy sweaters, good books, and hot tea, you are clearly on that team. Those romantic gestures are more than a breath of fresh air for the likes of us—they are the breath of life!

So, for all the new husbands and old, who may think flowers are a luxury to be saved for birthdays and anniversaries, please consider the following list.

10 Very Good Reasons to Shower Her with Flowers 

  1. She needs romance.
    Like air. Seriously.
  2. Empty vases.
    There is nothing as sad as an empty vase, collecting dust.
  3. She wants bragging rights. 
    You know she’ll take a picture and post it. She likes to show you off.
  4. She’s still the one.
    Remind her.
  5. Remind yourself.
    Buying her flowers causes you to stop and think just about her.
  6. It’s a testimony.
    Showing her love shows others something about yourself.
  7. If you don’t, who will? 
    Think about it.
  8. She needs beauty.
    She strives for beauty in your home. Make it a little easier for her.
  9. They’re a great investment. 
    Every time she sees them, it’s like you just gave them to her again
  10. It’s Tuesday.
    Basically, any day of the week works, but Tuesday’s good.

 2018-02-25 06.09.15

This was originally published January 11, 2016.

A Magnifying Glass and a Mirror

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

I originally wrote this list for my daughter.

She was still single, and articles were always flying around about what kind of man to marry. I would read them and scratch my head. Something was missing.

So,  I started writing, and this is what came out. For everything I thought a husband should be, I realized there was a proper response for the woman. That made sense to me.

Personally, I appreciate reminders like this. We aren’t wrong to want better from our husbands, but let’s focus instead on giving him our best. Let’s put down the magnifying glass, and pick up a mirror. You will see, it is a very different picture.

 

Marriage Musts

1. He must listen to you.
           Be kind. 

2. He must keep growing.
           Be the sunshine of his life. 

3. He must have a grateful heart.
           Be considerate of his needs. 

4. He must care about your personal growth.
           Be willing to change.

 5. He must never give up.
           Be merciful, when he fails.

 6. He must make you laugh.
           Be charmed by his efforts.

7. He must be in love with God.
           Be sure God is your first love, too. 

8. He must be the priest of your home.
           Be his intercessor.

9. He must be affectionate.
           Be his comfort.

10. He must be generous.
           Be a good steward.

11. He must be a provider.
           Be content with what you have.

13. He must defend you.
           Be careful to choose your fights well.

14. He must hold himself to a biblical standard.
           Be “a woman who fears God.” (Proverbs 31)

15. He must have a servant’s heart.
          Be willing to serve alongside him.

16. He must communicate.
          Be a good listener.

17. He must make you feel beautiful.
          Be the woman who makes him feel like a man.

18. He must care about your interests.
          Be invested in his.

19. He must be respectful of your family.
          Be in love with his.

20. He must be kind and gentle.
          Be strong and supportive.

21. He must be transparent.
          Be slow to anger.

22. He must be your Brother in Christ.
          Be first his Sister, than his wife.

23. He must cherish you.
          Be respectful of him.

24. He must share the duties of homekeeping.
          Be a good manager of your home.

25. He must lay down his life for you.
          Be his best friend.

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Today’s Journal: 7/14/16

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

Outside my window it has been a classic, New England summer’s day. Not very fond of humidity, but it’s the price we pay for a long, winter’s nap.

I am thinking about spiritual growth and how God proves His love. (Hebrews 12:6-11) 

I am thankful for a visit with some of the Thursday night ladies.  It was really nice to sit together, again.

I am reading Biography of George Peabody by Phebe A. Hanaford, published in 1882. Want to more about the man who bequeathed a library to our town.

I am working on assorted projects. Nothing too exciting.

I am hoping to get a postage scale for free. Figured I’ll hope until I’m forced to buy one. You never know.

I am praying for children. Parents have the privilege of modeling the love relationship between Christ and the Body.  Or, they can provoke their children to wrath.

I am meditating on Ephesians 6:4.

P.S.

On very hot days, you gotta think SNOW! Here are some “chilling” pictures of winter’s past, to help you cool off! Click to enlarge.

 

What an Apology Isn’t

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

Bad things happen.

People make mistakes. Say the wrong thing. Do the wrong thing. React and act out. It just happens. No one is always perfectly behaved, and sometimes our actions hurt other people.

When our actions hurt others, and there is a breech in relationship, repairing that breech and restoring the relationship need to be a top priority. One of the first steps we should take is issuing an apology.

Simple enough, right? We go to the offended party, admit our wrong doing, acknowledge the hurt we have caused, and say we are sorry.

If we are Jesus people, and our offense was sinful, we must also repent to the Lord. That is an absolute must, as our sinfulness also created a breech between us and God.

Still sounds easy, yes?

Well, not always. Repentance is pretty easy, but apologizing right can be hard.

DO YOU KNOW SELFISH SAM?
Sometimes, we are in relationships with people like Selfish Sam. Selfish Sam isn’t a bad guy. At least, he says he wants to be good. Yet, he isn’t really ready or willing or able to either recognize his wrong doing, or acknowledge how his offense has hurt another person’s feelings. People like Selfish Sam seem to think they inhabit a bubble, where their selfish or thoughtless actions only touch themselves.

Or, maybe they think everyone else is made of stone,  with no feelings at all.

I recently witnessed an apology from someone a lot like Selfish Sam, and it spurred this post. His apology  sounded a little like this: “I’m sorry, but there’s only so much I can take of her staring out a window crying. How am I supposed to put up with that?”

Yeah, I was horrified, too.

He went on to to say, “I always apologize. And, I always have a reason why I’m angry, and why I do the things I do.”

Did I mention how self-righteous he was about having an excuse for his wicked behavior? It was painful to watch this display of selfishness and arrogance, without saying something I might regret.

My tongue has almost recovered.

SAYING SORRY
      “How else am I supposed to react, when he does that?”
      “I know I am wrong, but he’s wrong, too!”
“I’m sorry, but she just makes me so mad!”
      “I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault.”
“I can’t help myself.”

When I hear these kinds of apologies, I know I’m listening to someone who still doesn’t get it. They are still not taking responsibility for their own behavior, and until we can own that, we aren’t apologizing well. We are acting like immature babies.

This is what an apology isn’t:

  • An apology is never an excuse for wrongdoing.
  • An apology is never an opportunity to point out someone else’s faults.
  • An apology is never an accomplishment or a reason to boast.

It is going to take time for an immature person to understand that their actions aren’t all about them. Some folks lack empathy, and really cannot see how their behavior impacts others.

In those cases, if a person is really sorry, give them credit for that. It’s an important step.  They may not understand the depth of hurt they have caused someone else, but that’s our opportunity to help them grow into more mature and caring people (Proverbs 27:17).

Note to Remember: our goal should be restoration in any relationship that has suffered a breech. That is not always possible, or profitable, but when it is, it is a responsibility of both parties. Always be willing to do your part.

 A LITTLE EMPATHY GOES A LONG WAY
Sympathy is important. It shows we care that something bad has happened to someone; and it definitely has its place. However, not when we are the offender. The last thing offended an party wants is our pity. The last thing they need is for us to feel sorry for them. They want us to understand the seriousness of what we have done, and do something to show it won’t happen again.

The best way to do that is through empathy.

Empathy is identifying with another person’s feelings. It takes a measure of selflessness to do that, because we have to let our guard down. We have to be willing to suspend our preconceived notions and let go of our own perceptions. We have to be willing to accept that the other person’s point of view is 100% valid.

There may be some errors in their understanding of what happened, and they may be reacting in a bigger way than they should, but an apology is not the time to judge whether or not a person’s reaction is immature or if their point of view and how they feel is 100% fair or right. Explain yourself, correct the facts. In a relationship, there will be time to work those things out.

Saying we are sorry for what we did wrong is good, but understanding how the other person feels—as if the offense had happened to us, but instead of being us, we are them—is so important.  This is not easy to do, but it helps us take responsibility for what we have done, and works to not only preserve our relationship, but strengthens the bond we share with the person we have done wrong.

The mark of a good apology is one that convinces the wounded party that their feelings are more important than the feelings of the offender. A good apology acknowledges that the other person was hurt, taken for granted, misused, or ignored.

Let me give you an example…

A brother steals his little sister’s favorite doll and uses it to play astronaut. He straps the doll to a rocket and fires it up. The doll falls back to earth in the neighborhood pond. She is lost forever, and the sister believes her doll has suffered a terrible death, and that she has forever lost her best friend.

Being older and wiser, the brother knows dolls do not die. He also knows that his sister will have many best friends in life, and a doll cannot really be a best friend anyway. His temptation is to discount her emotional reaction, because he recognizes it is immature and incorrect. He apologizes for taking the doll without permission and losing the doll in the pond, but he doesn’t acknowledge that his selfishness and poor judgment have caused her tremendous heartache. He just sees her doll as something that be easily replaced. Why should she be so upset? 

This is a lack of empathy. When we are saying to ourselves, or others, that they shouldn’t be so upset, that it wasn’t that bad, or they’re overreacting, we are showing a lack of empathy. The brother doesn’t empathize with his sister’s feelings. He is judging her feelings as invalid, and therefore not putting her feelings first. From his point of view, it was just an inexpensive toy. He does not acknowledge the impact of his actions on her personally. Consequently, he has not gotten to know his sister better, he has not repaired the breech in their relationship, he has not helped restore trust, and has he not learned to be more sensitive to the feelings of others.

What has he learned? Not to launch his rockets near the pond.

ARE YOU THE OFFENDED, OR THE OFFENDER?
In such cases, where a nominal apology has been given, it will seem that all is back to normal. After all, the offender apologized, and the offended has forgiven.

Yet, under the surface there is still an unsettled feeling, and try though they might, the offended is finding it hard to trust the offender, again.  The breech was not repaired. The relationship has been left vulnerable. The next offense, no matter how minor, will bring more destructive. The breech will widen, and it will be harder and harder for that relationship to survive—especially as a healthy relationship.

This is why it is so important for us to learn to apologize in a meaningful and effective way, to be sure we have shown our sincere concern for the other’s feelings. We can only do that through an honest expression of empathy.

You may be reading this is and saying to yourself, “This is ridiculous! I don’t need someone to empathize with me, or understand my feelings. People need to get over it!”

That might work for you, but it might not work for the person you’ve hurt, offended, misused, or taken for granted.

Ask yourself this: do you end up losing more relationships than you keep? Do you find yourself often blaming others for failing you, or forcing you out of their life? I encourage you to allow the Holy Spirit to search your heart. It may be that you are putting your own feelings before the feelings of others, and never realized it. It may not be intentional, but a reaction to your own unresolved heartache and mistreatment. The Holy Spirit can heal that hurt, if we will trust Him with it.

On the other hand…are you reading this and thinking about a wrong apology you have received, or a wrong doing you have suffered? Are your trying to cope with hurt feelings that just don’t seem to heal? Does it seem that you are the only one who can recognize the breech in a relationship?  Do you feel resentment or anger or heartache over a long-awaited apology that still hasn’t arrived?

I want to urge you to go to consider Matthew 5:9, where the Lord calls us to be peacemakers. Partner that passage with Matthew 18:15-17, which instructs the one who is offended to go to the offender.  Your temptation may be to believe the person who owes you an apology also has the responsibility to come to you, but the Bible shows us it works both ways. If you are sitting on an offense, you have an obligation to tell the person. How can it be right to allow that breech to sit unattended, growing wider by the day? Is that being a peacemaker?

Whether it is an unacknowledged offense, or an apology that just didn’t hit the spot, so to speak, go to your brother or sister. Don’t hesitate! “Hey, I know you apologized, but I’m still struggling with this. My feelings were really hurt, and it doesn’t seem like you even care about me.” If they’re clueless, clue them in: “You probably don’t realize it, but when you did/said that, it really made me feel bad.” As I mentioned above, our goal should be restoration in any relationship that has suffered a breech—whether we are responsible for the breech, to not.

Folks, let’s not hold grudges, or give place in our heart to bitterness. Let’s give people a chance to do the right thing. And, let’s do it ourselves. Be quick to acknowledge hurt we have caused, and quick to show empathy and offer sincere apologies. This will absolutely require being willing to take down some walls, or at least open some doors, to share with the other our hurt, or to acknowledge our failure. In either case, it is ultimately pride that will hinder such intimacy.

Yet, such intimacy can bring abundant rewards. While some relationships will not survive an offense, I believe that if we repair these breeches with healthy apologies and forgiveness, a relationship can prosper in spite of even numerous offenses. Even in a very dark, a place that has perhaps been dormant for years, the light of truth can bring forth new life. And, I believe this because it is my testimony. It is my own story.

I hope and pray you will find something here that ministers to you.

God bless you all!

2015-09-09 16.57.20

Kick Off Those Shoes!

/ SaxophoneWife / 3 Comments

Women don’t lie about being abused.

There is too much shame attached. Of course, this isn’t to say there aren’t women who will lie, so maybe I should qualify my statement: I have found that a woman in a marriage she values and wants to keep, to a man she loves and believes in, is more likely to lie by saying she has not been abused, than to lie by saying she has been abused.

And, just in case you aren’t sure where she stands in regards to her husband and her marriage, always assume she is telling the truth.

On the same note, I have found that when a man—any man—makes any statement of denial concerning abuse, he is always judging by his definition of abuse.

And, he is always wrong.

FUZZY SLIPPERS
Recently, a pastor and his wife became quite famous, as she advocated for his freedom from an Iranian prison. He was finally released last month, but the joy of his homecoming was dampened by her confession to supporters that he had been an abusive jerk.

(I might have added the “jerk” part.)

Instead of welcoming him home with open arms, she filed papers and sent the kids. They both remain in the public eye, seeking public affirmation, and claiming they want to keep their troubles “private.” As they both post about their private life on Facebook and grant interviews to the press, their claims to want privacy seem a little disingenuous.

All things being equal, he’s getting the lion’s share of the media attention, and she’s winning the Facebook sympathy vote. Her defenders, aka Team Wife, gather around and reinforce her victimization, while Team Husband assures him this is the Devil’s work. It is how church folks traditionally handle these kind of troubles.

Feeling sorry for the victim is natural, if not very helpful. It’s probably the main reason it took me so long to trust anyone to pray with me for my husband. I knew a pat on the hand wasn’t going to help me. Yes, his abuse hurt me very much, but I knew God did not define him by his sin. Of course, I wanted comforting—living in an abusive marriage is like walking in shoes that are not only too tight, but have cut glass for insoles. I was not about to refuse a pair of fuzzy slippers, but I did not want pity.  I wanted prayer partners to stand in the gap for us both. I wanted warring saints who would not fight against my husband, but fight the Enemy on his behalf.

Let me tell you, there were very few people I could trust. There were even fewer who actually believed he could be delivered.

I don’t know enough about these two people to know if they really want to save their marriage, but if they do, they are doing it wrong.  For more than three years they portrayed themselves as martyrs for the cause of Christ, and now that their secret sins have been brought into the light they each still want to play the martyr in their marriage.  Even worse, they are allowing the court of public opinion to try their cases against each other.

It’s not okay. In fact, it’s sickening. Well-intentioned Christians are feeding their egos with scores of Facebook comments.  Articles and interviews are skewed in favor of whichever victim the publication wants to defend. I suspect ghost writers have already been hired, with book deals under negotiation.

You can say I’m being critical, or worse, but I don’t think I’m wrong.  And, what you may not be detecting in my words is the real concern I have for them, and for the Body of Christ. If we actually care about these two people, then we should pray they stop this public show.

I have walked many miles in the shoes this woman now walks, which is the only reason I have the right to say anything. And, I know there are women reading this who are examining their own shoes right now and saying, “Yeah, those look familiar.” While this woman may never read my words of exhortation, those who are reading these words need to know that there is hope. Being in an abusive marriage doesn’t mean you must endure a life of suffering. However, you will have to reject the easy comfort of those fuzzy slippers. The proper footwear for a woman married to a High-Maintenance Man is combat boots.

COMBAT BOOTS
If you love your husband and want to save your marriage, despite his abusive behavior, I am going to share the short and simple advice I give every woman married to an abusive man. Of course, I prefer the term High Maintenance Men. I coined the term years ago, because I thought it accurately described a man who wasn’t exactly easy to love, but very much worth loving. Men cannot stay high maintenance, though. That is not God’s will. However, He has provided a way for men with abusive behaviors to be transformed by the power and grace of God at work in their lives, and when they have a Proverbs 31 woman willing to walk that walk of faith with them, they really are guaranteed to succeed.

God is always on the side of those who seek after righteousness! 

So, here are seven, simple steps to get started. (Sorry for the alliteration. It wasn’t on purpose!) Mind you: this is my simple version, with minimal detail, but maybe enough to stir your heart to faith and action.

Remember, what God did for me He will gladly do for you, too!

Step 1: Do not protect him.
There are many kinds of abuse. If you are being physically abused, or if he is engaged in illegal activity, leave or make him leave. Call the authorities. God does not honor our protecting him from the consequences of his illegal behavior, and physically hurting you—or anyone else—is illegal.

Step 2: Put your faith in God. 
If you are not a Christian, these shoes definitely won’t fit comfortably. Of course, knowing Christ isn’t a hard thing. Click HERE. Then, come right back. I’ll wait. 🙂

Step 3: Forgive him. 
Sometimes, we hold onto forgiveness like a trophy we will only bestow upon our husband once he has proven himself worthy. Bad idea! This is completely contrary to the Word of God, which makes it clear that unforgiveness is a sin that separates us from the Lord and frustrates His will in our lives. The truth is, unforgiveness is as great a transgression as his abuse. They both divide you from God, and from one another, and you cannot win this fight for your marriage without spiritual unity. You need to be playing for the same team! Holding onto unforgiveness is giving place to the Enemy, and that will only bring more division. It is a very spiritually powerless position that will almost guarantee the end of your marriage. 

Step 4: Trusting him is optional.
Abuse violates trust. The Bible makes no place for holding onto unforgiveness, but it also does not demand we trust. I was very glad to realize that forgiving is not trusting. Trust has to be earned. Even God knows that, which is how we know we can trust Him.

Step 5: Trusting Him is essential.
Recovery is a process that takes time. Walking this road from brokenness to healing is going to require you have Someone to lean on every step of the way, and the only person who will be there for you even before you call to Him for help, is God. Putting your trust in Him as you begin this fight really is essential.

Step 6: Pursue Him.
No one is 100% innocent. Sometimes, women find that they are allowing a lot of “little” sins, like unforgiveness, into their life, and justifying them with his bad behavior. They don’t think of their discontentment as sin. Or, maybe, it’s gossip or greed they overlook. Or, just spiritually neglecting our walk with the Lord. There are so many ways we transgress. This is why I urge you to invite the Holy Spirit to examine your heart, to see if there are any “wicked ways” in you. Then, repent. And, keep repenting. And, then begin to pursue God like you did back in the day, when you were new to your faith. Stop skipping services, and other opportunities to be in fellowship. Take in every anointed sermon you can find (Sermon Index is a great source), and read the Word for yourself. Surround yourself with the Word. Make posters and hang them up around your house! Listen to worship music that is filled with spiritual truth. Pray like every prayer is a life-sustaining breath. You will need to be spiritually fit to fight this battle, so pursue the Lord with all your heart, as if your life depends on it.

Step 7: Leave him to God.
Let God take care him. Hopefully, you are working together to reconcile, so there should be much spiritual fellowship going on, but don’t take the position of being his spiritual mentor. You should not disciple your husband. The Holy Spirit may well use you to exhort and encourage him, but let God have His way with Him. Pray for him, tell God all the thing you think He needs to fix in him, but leave him to God.

NEW SHOES
The burden of recovery is not meant to be entirely on one person. Sometimes, one member is more able to take the steps of faith necessary to begin the process, but ultimately it takes two willing souls.  It is a shared burden, and a shared blessing, through which God can do a wonderful and remarkable work of restoration. And, restoration is my hope for this couple I’ve discussed, and for anyone reading this who is living under abuse.

Sister, kick off those shoes! If you need to pad around in fuzzy slippers for a time, give those blisters a chance to heal, that’s OK. However, you can’t stay in that easy place. You need to get to the work of fighting the spiritual battle that comes with being that Proverbs 31 woman. Abigail did not rush to confront David in her fuzzies! She knew what she was facing, and she was equipped and ready.

One day—this is the good news you need to remember every day—this fight will be over.  It really will! And, when it is done you can put those combat boots away. You won’t throw them out, because you are a Proverbs 31 woman. However, they won’t be your daily uniform. You’ll get to go out and buy yourself a brand new pair of any shoes you want! And, you can let him buy them for you.

Write Your Own

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

Hey, married people.

Just a reminder: you are one in the spirit. What you do impacts each other, which is why you are allowed/expected/obligated to speak up and act out on behalf of one another’s life, health, spirituality, well-being, etc.

If you don’t want to be accountable to anyone, or for anyone, move into a cave and good luck to you. If you want to be happily married, hold each other accountable. Help each other make good decisions. Tell each other the choices that you think are wrong, and help each other make better ones.

Pray for each other like your life depends on it, because it does.

If he or she says it’s none of your business, show him that ring on your finger. You tell him he made it your business when he asked, “Marry me?” She made it your business when she said, “Yes.” You have a right to not only disagree, but force the issue. You have a right to expect your spouse live a life that conforms to the Word of God.

Marriage is hard. It is harder still for anyone who claims Christ as Lord. Don’t feel sorry for yourself or be afraid, though, when it feels too hard to handle. Just take action. Start on your knees, and keep moving. Fight the good fight of faith for your spouse, for your marriage, for your family, and for your future. God’s gift should not be taken lightly. He or she has been entrusted to your care, and his or her spiritual maturity depends on you.

Period.

Oh, I know, they have a free will. They will make choices outside of the counsel of God. That is absolutely right, and we are NEVER responsible for our spouse’s decision to sin. However, the choice to sin isn’t the end of the story. In fact, in many ways it is just the beginning.

Once upon a time the happily married
—though possibly oblivious—
spouse discovered his/her spouse
had forsaken his/her vows…

How that story ends depends on you.

I am praying for you today. It is God’s will to use your marriage as a showpiece of His love for mankind. No matter how broken your marriage may be today, or how badly your spouse has forsaken you, I pray that hope will overtake doubt, and faith will conquer fear. God is able. I can say that with all assurance, because of all that He has done for me.

 “If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am. God, the Father of our Lord Jesus, who is worthy of eternal praise, knows I am not lying.” (2 Corinthians 11:30-31)

 

10 Very Good Reasons to Shower Her with Flowers

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

The new Bride observed the beautiful flowers the Saxophone Player brought me at Christmastime. “Tell my husband to buy me flowers, too,” she said. I laughed to myself and thought, You’ve been married for two weeks. Give the guy a chance!

I know women aren’t all alike, but some of us need romance like we need rainy days in bed—and, if that evoked images of cozy sweaters, good books, and hot tea, you are clearly on that team. Those romantic gestures are more than a breath of fresh air for the likes of us—they are the breath of life!

So, for all the new husbands and old, who may think flowers are a luxury to be saved for birthdays and anniversaries, please consider the following list.

10 Very Good Reasons to Shower Her with Flowers 

  1. She needs romance.
    Like air. Seriously.
  2. Empty vases.
    There is nothing as sad as an empty vase, collecting dust.
  3. She wants bragging rights. 
    You know she’ll take a picture and post it. She likes to show you off.
  4. She’s still the one.
    Remind her.
  5. Remind yourself.
    Buying her flowers causes you to stop and think just about her.
  6. It’s a testimony.
    Showing her love shows others something about yourself.
  7. If you don’t, who will? 
    Think about it.
  8. She needs beauty.
    She strives for beauty in your home. Make it a little easier for her.
  9. They’re a great investment. 
    Every time she sees them, it’s like you just gave them to her again
  10. It’s Tuesday.
    Basically, any day of the week works, but Tuesday’s good.

 2018-02-25 06.09.15

Wedded Bliss

/ SaxophoneWife / 5 Comments

On February 28th, the Saxophone Player and I were married…again!

I’ve posted a little note on the Big Day and a handful of photos on the wedding page. CLICK HERE, or click the above tab entitled “Gregans…Again!”

Happy

26 Reasons I Loved Him Then, And Love Him Still

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

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Today is a very special day. I am excited to announce that it is our 26th wedding anniversary. TWENTY-SIX YEARS! I know that is not a long time compared to many, but it’s remarkable to me. I mean, when I met Doug the thought of getting married was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be happily married for life, and if it wasn’t for life I didn’t want anything to do with it. But, now I’m one of those people who’s on her way to a Golden Anniversary, still happy to see his face and still reaching under the sheet for his hand in the middle of the night.

I’m blessed, and grateful.

Anyway, to honor him, the man of the hour and the man of my dreams, I want to share 26 Reasons I Loved Him Then, and Love Him Still. It’s not a complete list of all the reasons I love him, but it’s the things that come to mind first.

1. He knew how to pronounce my name. My name was Caroline Mosqueda, and I never expected anyone to get it right. My first name was usually pronounced CaroLYN, and my maiden name was always butchered. He got them both right, the first time. Even better, though, he actually was concerned he had pronounced them correctly. I was impressed.

2. He loved my parents, even my Dad, whom he never met—except through me. My Mother was more than his mother-in-law; she was his spiritual Mom. She trusted him like a son.

3. He believed in my dreams. Still does.

4. He noticed things about me that I didn’t think anyone could see. He still does.

5. He has been in charge of bathroom cleaning for 26 years. (I think that makes him a hero.)

6. He makes me laugh. And, lets me make him laugh, too.

7. He does a great Peanuts dance. It’s usually at a moment when you don’t expect it, and always at Christmas time, when that song plays from “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

8. He introduced me to jazz.

9. He brought me to Boston.

10. He is always willing to learn new things. He can teach himself anything!

11. He respects my quirks and eccentricities. (I have several.)

12. He made me handmade, pop-up cards. Still have them, of course.

13. He wears his heart for Jesus on his sleeve. When he came to Christ, he fell head over heels in love with his Savior.

14. He has endured my sinfulness, selfishness, insecurities, and immaturity with love and patience.

15. He doesn’t have anything to prove. Ever.

16. He kills all the bugs. That means literally, and figuratively. He does all the dirty work.

17. He does things I’m afraid to do, but gives me courage to do the things I need to do myself.

18. He’s really nice. He is kind to everyone. He knew all the patients at the care facility where his mother lived. By name. Knew their loved ones. Knew the staff. And, he didn’t know them for any politically reason. He has compassion for people, and it shows.

19. He cares about my opinion. Well, 99 times out of 100. Those are pretty good odds.

20. He has become an example to me. He has become someone I can safely ask for counsel. I can trust his advice.

21. He has always protected me. Always looked out for my wellness and safety.

22. Do I list the ways he cared for me, when I had cancer and during that long and complication-filled recovery? Do I list every time he had to nurse my huge wound? Or, every time he had to sit with me in a doctor’s office? Or, how he kept me calm in E.R.s? Do I list the many times he had to inject me with blood thinners? Oy! This guy had nurses in awe of the fine care he gave his wife. He didn’t have to be that guy, but he did it without flinching.

23. He always tries to fit one of my favorite worship songs into his song list, especially when he knows I really need to hear it.

24. He speaks truth with compassion. He says such hard things so well.

25. He has given his daughter an example that guards her from foolish men.

26. He is always growing. Always trying to be more like Christ. I respect him so much as a man of God. It’s really what I love about him most.

Now, there is ONE thing he doesn’t do that I have never liked very much at all: he doesn’t play his saxophone for me at home. Can you imagine that? I mean, of all things! Well, I guess nobody’s perfect.