My Life

Mother’s Birthday

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

Today my Mother would have been 85.

I never imagined my Mother dying. I thought she would just live and live, until the Lord returned. He had other plans, and I don’t argue with Him. I see His hand in her life, and in her death. I feel His comfort in my loss, though the missing doesn’t stop. As I watch my friends mourn their own mother’s, I know the missing never stops. Moms are just too much a part of us. We enter life listening to their heartbeat. They become the rhythm of our life.  Their absence is always profound.

I have friends who did not have good mothers. Or, lost their mother very young. So, I know I was blessed to have a mother like mine, and to have her as long as I did. I am grateful for every minute we shared. I wish every memory was a good one, and I wish I had no regrets. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling that way, when it comes to those loved ones we have “lost.” However, I am so grateful for what was good.

And, there was so much good.

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Kick Off Those Shoes!

/ SaxophoneWife / 3 Comments

Women don’t lie about being abused.

There is too much shame attached. Of course, this isn’t to say there aren’t women who will lie, so maybe I should qualify my statement: I have found that a woman in a marriage she values and wants to keep, to a man she loves and believes in, is more likely to lie by saying she has not been abused, than to lie by saying she has been abused.

And, just in case you aren’t sure where she stands in regards to her husband and her marriage, always assume she is telling the truth.

On the same note, I have found that when a man—any man—makes any statement of denial concerning abuse, he is always judging by his definition of abuse.

And, he is always wrong.

FUZZY SLIPPERS
Recently, a pastor and his wife became quite famous, as she advocated for his freedom from an Iranian prison. He was finally released last month, but the joy of his homecoming was dampened by her confession to supporters that he had been an abusive jerk.

(I might have added the “jerk” part.)

Instead of welcoming him home with open arms, she filed papers and sent the kids. They both remain in the public eye, seeking public affirmation, and claiming they want to keep their troubles “private.” As they both post about their private life on Facebook and grant interviews to the press, their claims to want privacy seem a little disingenuous.

All things being equal, he’s getting the lion’s share of the media attention, and she’s winning the Facebook sympathy vote. Her defenders, aka Team Wife, gather around and reinforce her victimization, while Team Husband assures him this is the Devil’s work. It is how church folks traditionally handle these kind of troubles.

Feeling sorry for the victim is natural, if not very helpful. It’s probably the main reason it took me so long to trust anyone to pray with me for my husband. I knew a pat on the hand wasn’t going to help me. Yes, his abuse hurt me very much, but I knew God did not define him by his sin. Of course, I wanted comforting—living in an abusive marriage is like walking in shoes that are not only too tight, but have cut glass for insoles. I was not about to refuse a pair of fuzzy slippers, but I did not want pity.  I wanted prayer partners to stand in the gap for us both. I wanted warring saints who would not fight against my husband, but fight the Enemy on his behalf.

Let me tell you, there were very few people I could trust. There were even fewer who actually believed he could be delivered.

I don’t know enough about these two people to know if they really want to save their marriage, but if they do, they are doing it wrong.  For more than three years they portrayed themselves as martyrs for the cause of Christ, and now that their secret sins have been brought into the light they each still want to play the martyr in their marriage.  Even worse, they are allowing the court of public opinion to try their cases against each other.

It’s not okay. In fact, it’s sickening. Well-intentioned Christians are feeding their egos with scores of Facebook comments.  Articles and interviews are skewed in favor of whichever victim the publication wants to defend. I suspect ghost writers have already been hired, with book deals under negotiation.

You can say I’m being critical, or worse, but I don’t think I’m wrong.  And, what you may not be detecting in my words is the real concern I have for them, and for the Body of Christ. If we actually care about these two people, then we should pray they stop this public show.

I have walked many miles in the shoes this woman now walks, which is the only reason I have the right to say anything. And, I know there are women reading this who are examining their own shoes right now and saying, “Yeah, those look familiar.” While this woman may never read my words of exhortation, those who are reading these words need to know that there is hope. Being in an abusive marriage doesn’t mean you must endure a life of suffering. However, you will have to reject the easy comfort of those fuzzy slippers. The proper footwear for a woman married to a High-Maintenance Man is combat boots.

COMBAT BOOTS
If you love your husband and want to save your marriage, despite his abusive behavior, I am going to share the short and simple advice I give every woman married to an abusive man. Of course, I prefer the term High Maintenance Men. I coined the term years ago, because I thought it accurately described a man who wasn’t exactly easy to love, but very much worth loving. Men cannot stay high maintenance, though. That is not God’s will. However, He has provided a way for men with abusive behaviors to be transformed by the power and grace of God at work in their lives, and when they have a Proverbs 31 woman willing to walk that walk of faith with them, they really are guaranteed to succeed.

God is always on the side of those who seek after righteousness! 

So, here are seven, simple steps to get started. (Sorry for the alliteration. It wasn’t on purpose!) Mind you: this is my simple version, with minimal detail, but maybe enough to stir your heart to faith and action.

Remember, what God did for me He will gladly do for you, too!

Step 1: Do not protect him.
There are many kinds of abuse. If you are being physically abused, or if he is engaged in illegal activity, leave or make him leave. Call the authorities. God does not honor our protecting him from the consequences of his illegal behavior, and physically hurting you—or anyone else—is illegal.

Step 2: Put your faith in God. 
If you are not a Christian, these shoes definitely won’t fit comfortably. Of course, knowing Christ isn’t a hard thing. Click HERE. Then, come right back. I’ll wait. 🙂

Step 3: Forgive him. 
Sometimes, we hold onto forgiveness like a trophy we will only bestow upon our husband once he has proven himself worthy. Bad idea! This is completely contrary to the Word of God, which makes it clear that unforgiveness is a sin that separates us from the Lord and frustrates His will in our lives. The truth is, unforgiveness is as great a transgression as his abuse. They both divide you from God, and from one another, and you cannot win this fight for your marriage without spiritual unity. You need to be playing for the same team! Holding onto unforgiveness is giving place to the Enemy, and that will only bring more division. It is a very spiritually powerless position that will almost guarantee the end of your marriage. 

Step 4: Trusting him is optional.
Abuse violates trust. The Bible makes no place for holding onto unforgiveness, but it also does not demand we trust. I was very glad to realize that forgiving is not trusting. Trust has to be earned. Even God knows that, which is how we know we can trust Him.

Step 5: Trusting Him is essential.
Recovery is a process that takes time. Walking this road from brokenness to healing is going to require you have Someone to lean on every step of the way, and the only person who will be there for you even before you call to Him for help, is God. Putting your trust in Him as you begin this fight really is essential.

Step 6: Pursue Him.
No one is 100% innocent. Sometimes, women find that they are allowing a lot of “little” sins, like unforgiveness, into their life, and justifying them with his bad behavior. They don’t think of their discontentment as sin. Or, maybe, it’s gossip or greed they overlook. Or, just spiritually neglecting our walk with the Lord. There are so many ways we transgress. This is why I urge you to invite the Holy Spirit to examine your heart, to see if there are any “wicked ways” in you. Then, repent. And, keep repenting. And, then begin to pursue God like you did back in the day, when you were new to your faith. Stop skipping services, and other opportunities to be in fellowship. Take in every anointed sermon you can find (Sermon Index is a great source), and read the Word for yourself. Surround yourself with the Word. Make posters and hang them up around your house! Listen to worship music that is filled with spiritual truth. Pray like every prayer is a life-sustaining breath. You will need to be spiritually fit to fight this battle, so pursue the Lord with all your heart, as if your life depends on it.

Step 7: Leave him to God.
Let God take care him. Hopefully, you are working together to reconcile, so there should be much spiritual fellowship going on, but don’t take the position of being his spiritual mentor. You should not disciple your husband. The Holy Spirit may well use you to exhort and encourage him, but let God have His way with Him. Pray for him, tell God all the thing you think He needs to fix in him, but leave him to God.

NEW SHOES
The burden of recovery is not meant to be entirely on one person. Sometimes, one member is more able to take the steps of faith necessary to begin the process, but ultimately it takes two willing souls.  It is a shared burden, and a shared blessing, through which God can do a wonderful and remarkable work of restoration. And, restoration is my hope for this couple I’ve discussed, and for anyone reading this who is living under abuse.

Sister, kick off those shoes! If you need to pad around in fuzzy slippers for a time, give those blisters a chance to heal, that’s OK. However, you can’t stay in that easy place. You need to get to the work of fighting the spiritual battle that comes with being that Proverbs 31 woman. Abigail did not rush to confront David in her fuzzies! She knew what she was facing, and she was equipped and ready.

One day—this is the good news you need to remember every day—this fight will be over.  It really will! And, when it is done you can put those combat boots away. You won’t throw them out, because you are a Proverbs 31 woman. However, they won’t be your daily uniform. You’ll get to go out and buy yourself a brand new pair of any shoes you want! And, you can let him buy them for you.

Write Your Own

/ SaxophoneWife / Leave a comment

Hey, married people.

Just a reminder: you are one in the spirit. What you do impacts each other, which is why you are allowed/expected/obligated to speak up and act out on behalf of one another’s life, health, spirituality, well-being, etc.

If you don’t want to be accountable to anyone, or for anyone, move into a cave and good luck to you. If you want to be happily married, hold each other accountable. Help each other make good decisions. Tell each other the choices that you think are wrong, and help each other make better ones.

Pray for each other like your life depends on it, because it does.

If he or she says it’s none of your business, show him that ring on your finger. You tell him he made it your business when he asked, “Marry me?” She made it your business when she said, “Yes.” You have a right to not only disagree, but force the issue. You have a right to expect your spouse live a life that conforms to the Word of God.

Marriage is hard. It is harder still for anyone who claims Christ as Lord. Don’t feel sorry for yourself or be afraid, though, when it feels too hard to handle. Just take action. Start on your knees, and keep moving. Fight the good fight of faith for your spouse, for your marriage, for your family, and for your future. God’s gift should not be taken lightly. He or she has been entrusted to your care, and his or her spiritual maturity depends on you.

Period.

Oh, I know, they have a free will. They will make choices outside of the counsel of God. That is absolutely right, and we are NEVER responsible for our spouse’s decision to sin. However, the choice to sin isn’t the end of the story. In fact, in many ways it is just the beginning.

Once upon a time the happily married
—though possibly oblivious—
spouse discovered his/her spouse
had forsaken his/her vows…

How that story ends depends on you.

I am praying for you today. It is God’s will to use your marriage as a showpiece of His love for mankind. No matter how broken your marriage may be today, or how badly your spouse has forsaken you, I pray that hope will overtake doubt, and faith will conquer fear. God is able. I can say that with all assurance, because of all that He has done for me.

 “If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am. God, the Father of our Lord Jesus, who is worthy of eternal praise, knows I am not lying.” (2 Corinthians 11:30-31)

 

Little White Lies

/ SaxophoneWife / 2 Comments

We have two bathroom scales.

The second scale was a freebie, and we use it for the Bluetooth feature that connects it to an app on our phones and tracks our weight changes. When I discovered that the Bluetooth scale measured my weight about four pounds less than the other scale, I decided I would weigh myself on both—I know the other scale is accurate.

However, I recently noticed that I always manage to “forget” to check my weight on the accurate scale. Apparently, tracking my weight on my phone has become more important than knowing what I really weigh. I gave up striving for any particular weight goal a long time ago, but that smaller number was very alluring. It was so alluring, in fact, that I started telling myself little white lies in order to maintain the delusion!

Maybe, the Bluetooth scale isn’t really wrong?
Maybe, I’m wrong to think the other scale is right?
I know the other scale always matches the scale in the doctor’s office, but maybe the doctor’s scale is wrong, too?

Mind you, all of this is happening in my sub-conscious. I was having a little conversation with myself, right in front of myself! While getting on my sneakers or reviewing my weight record, in the back of mind I was making excuses. I heard myself telling myself this very statement: “Oh, darn, I already put my socks on. I was going to weigh myself on the other scale, but I guess I’ll do it tomorrow.”

It’s ridiculous! I tell myself it will be a rude awakening the next time I visit my doctor, but then I imagine whipping out my phone to show the doc my app. “See? Look at this wonderful, scientific app I use. This is what I weigh in my world.” I don’t think she’ll be very impressed!

I know I do this with others things, too. I think we all do it.  Instead of accepting the reality of a situation, we choose to believe a “truth” of our own making. Have you ever told yourself a little white lie about spiritual things?

I’ll do better tomorrow.
This is the last time.
It’s not that bad.
At least I don’t do what she does,
I’ll read/give/do/pray more next time.
It’s doesn’t mean anything.
At least I know it’s wrong.

Little white lies about the number on a scale are one thing.  The disapproving looks of my doctor cannot compare to the day of reckoning that awaits me if I am telling myself little white lies about the spiritual “compromise” in my life. They may help ease my guilt and veil my shame, but the Spirit of God is not very impressed!

A quick search of the Bible tells us that being a Christian means living in relationship with Christ; being in relationship with Christ means becoming His disciple; and becoming His disciple means becoming more like Him.

“Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. 4 He who says, ‘I know Him,’ and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 5 But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. 6 He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.” (1 John 2:3-6, NKJV)

I know some have thrown their bathroom scales away, calling  them a false measure of beauty and denouncing the pursuit of physical perfection. I heartily agree! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and physical perfection is as elusive as nitrate-free pepperoni! The Word of God is not something we can throw away, though.  If we are not keeping His commandments, there is no truth in us! Those little white lies we tell ourselves to help us remain complacently in sin will separate us not only from our identity with Christ, but our eternity with Him, as well.  Is that a price worth paying for a momentary comfort?

Oh, it’s not! We know the price of our sin is too high, but we keep gambling with our eternity. Our little white lies convince us we are not like “those people,” you know the ones? They have a sin problem. We’re just relaxing.  Our prayer-starved spirit is too weak to care and too lazy to battle the onslaught of temptation. Our sin-plumped flesh gleefully ignores the call to be like Christ.

Be ye holy; for I am holy. (1 Peter 1:16b)

So, what hope do we have? Well, the Bible tells us. When we make the decision to walk as spiritual people, as Christ did, we soon find we lose our appetite for sin. The taste of compromise makes our stomach turn, and we quickly get back into step with Christ. Our sins stand out in sharp contrast to His holiness, but when we are walking with Him we are compelled by His compassion to repent. Fellowship with Christ draws to be more like Him. I don’t want to hide from the glaring truth of my failures. I want to cover them with the blood of Jesus so that nothing can separate me from His presence! I am drawn into His loving arms where I am filled with His love, restored through His acceptance, and transformed by His forgiveness. Oh, nothing can compare! 

Please, make Psalm 139: 23 & 24 your prayer. Let Him search your heart. It is the best prayer we can pray, because it is a prayer in agreement with His Word. He will be faithful to answer it! Don’t be afraid to step on His scale, my friend.  He will not look at your with scorn. He draw you to Himself with His everlasting love!

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139: 23 & 24)

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For This Child I Prayed

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

Riding home on the train the day I learned I was expecting, I began to pray for my baby’s future spouse. That first day I had no idea if I was praying for a husband or a wife, but I knew God knew, and I wanted to be sure I didn’t miss a single opportunity to intercede for the person who would one day be the most important person in my child’s life. I distinctly recall telling the Lord that I wanted him or her to be as happy in their marriage as I was (and am) in mine. Marriage had been such a trans-formative experience for me—so utterly fulfilling. And, as I had prayed for my own husband since I was 14, I thought this would be the absolute right thing to do for my child. And, I would have their whole life to pray!  I could pray for my child’s one-day-spouse all his or her whole life, too. And, the day Hannah was born, when I knew I was praying for a husband, I began praying with even more specificity.  When I look at Tim, in my heart I say, “For this child I prayed.” I prayed for him all of his life! I remember praying for him in junior high. And, high school, and in those college years. I prayed for his parents, I prayed for his job, I prayed for his purity. I prayed for everything and anything that came to mind. I had no idea for whom I was praying, but I knew my prayers mattered. I knew I was praying for someone real; I was praying for someone God had chosen for my daughter.

About the time Hannah started to begin thinking seriously about what kind of man she would marry, I wrote my own personal “wish list,” and began praying over it. I have always been in the habit of writing prayer lists, because when we write down our requests we give the Lord an opportunity to prove Himself to us. I have often looked back at old prayer lists and had my faith increase, seeing how God answered requests that seemed impossible. In the ministry, this is especially true. Men’s names that showed up on list after list, for years, and where are they now? Free in Christ! It’s great!

So, I wrote my list of what I wanted in Hannah’s future husband. I was pretty specific. It was a step of faith. I stuck it in my prayer journal, and over the years I would remind the Lord of my list. I would pray for him accordingly, using my list to remind how to pray.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I remembered my list. I hadn’t thought much about it in recent months, since Tim came into our lives. But, I think the Holy Spirit wanted an opportunity to prove Himself. He reminded me, and I read down the long list I’d written. I was kind of amazed.  Would you like to see it?

Page One…image

Page Two…
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I’m happy to tell you that Tim is indeed an answer to prayer. As I watch my daughter become his wife, I will be celebrating my God who hears—if we will only ask. Saturday is very much about Tim and Hannah, but it is even more about a loving God who answers prayer.

By the way, Doug had a list, too. I urged him to give a wish list of his own. Would you like to see it?

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Yup. That was all Doug wanted. He said, “Well, I know your list will include everything important, so this is the one thing that matters most to me.” I dare say this might be the most important thing we prayed for, and it is definitely something the Lord answered. I have a grateful heart. The Lord has done a very good thing here.

A Love Story, So Far

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

“I have for the first time found what I can truly love–I have found you.” Charlotte Bronte

Our daughter has written about her new relationship, and I wanted to share her posts with you. She has a lovely writing style, so I think you will enjoy reading her love story (well, her love story, so far). It is in four parts.

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

PART FOUR

(Leach) Field of Dreams

/ SaxophoneWife / 4 Comments

Well, this week our landlord delivered the sad news that the yard is a leach field, and therefore not suited for growing edibles.  Not such happy news, but we are not giving up our garden dreams. I’ve planted in containers the past two years, and we can do it again. Except, this year will be better! As I shared last time, the Japanese Knotweed from our neighbor’s yard has always dominated the sunniest part of our yard. With it gone (well, it keeps coming back, but we continue the fight), we can create a semi-permanent place for a container garden. I’ll show you pics, when we get it in place.

Doug and I were both hit with colds this week, which meant no weeding got done. No sunflower seeds were planted. either.  Nonetheless, despite the setbacks, some of the flower seeds I planted earlier this month are sprouting. And, I did get a few vegetable seeds in pots.

When I don’t get time in my garden as I would like, I think about how thankful I am our food supply does not depend on me. I’m grateful I can play at gardening, enjoying the benefits without really suffering from the setbacks.

 

The first signs of life from my Spring planting. These will be Zinnias.

The first signs of life from my Spring planting. These will be Zinnias.

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These are the result of my Fall planting. They bloomed just in time for Mother’s Day.

 

How is your garden coming along this year? 

Let The Gardening Begin!

/ SaxophoneWife / 3 Comments

  Do you see that little patch of sunny dirt?  

 We discovered that this is the sunniest spot in the yard, and it was just a weed “garden.” So, we decided to clear it out and plant some vegetables. (Sunflowers against the fence.)

It needs some compost, and we’ll have to get a longer water hose, but we are hoping to have seeds in the ground by next weekend.


We plan to clear the rest of the weeds along the back fence and plant sunflowers. Maybe, some zinnias, too. 🙂 We are halfway done!

 I am new to the gardening hobby, but every year I love it more. Two years ago, when I started, Doug would watch me and say, “It makes me so happy to see you doing this.” He knew gardening was something I had always longed to do, but was very intimidated by. Now, he is joining me in this wonderful, new adventure, and it’s even more fun to work on it together.

Wedded Bliss

/ SaxophoneWife / 5 Comments

On February 28th, the Saxophone Player and I were married…again!

I’ve posted a little note on the Big Day and a handful of photos on the wedding page. CLICK HERE, or click the above tab entitled “Gregans…Again!”

Happy

26 Reasons I Loved Him Then, And Love Him Still

/ SaxophoneWife / 1 Comment

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Today is a very special day. I am excited to announce that it is our 26th wedding anniversary. TWENTY-SIX YEARS! I know that is not a long time compared to many, but it’s remarkable to me. I mean, when I met Doug the thought of getting married was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be happily married for life, and if it wasn’t for life I didn’t want anything to do with it. But, now I’m one of those people who’s on her way to a Golden Anniversary, still happy to see his face and still reaching under the sheet for his hand in the middle of the night.

I’m blessed, and grateful.

Anyway, to honor him, the man of the hour and the man of my dreams, I want to share 26 Reasons I Loved Him Then, and Love Him Still. It’s not a complete list of all the reasons I love him, but it’s the things that come to mind first.

1. He knew how to pronounce my name. My name was Caroline Mosqueda, and I never expected anyone to get it right. My first name was usually pronounced CaroLYN, and my maiden name was always butchered. He got them both right, the first time. Even better, though, he actually was concerned he had pronounced them correctly. I was impressed.

2. He loved my parents, even my Dad, whom he never met—except through me. My Mother was more than his mother-in-law; she was his spiritual Mom. She trusted him like a son.

3. He believed in my dreams. Still does.

4. He noticed things about me that I didn’t think anyone could see. He still does.

5. He has been in charge of bathroom cleaning for 26 years. (I think that makes him a hero.)

6. He makes me laugh. And, lets me make him laugh, too.

7. He does a great Peanuts dance. It’s usually at a moment when you don’t expect it, and always at Christmas time, when that song plays from “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

8. He introduced me to jazz.

9. He brought me to Boston.

10. He is always willing to learn new things. He can teach himself anything!

11. He respects my quirks and eccentricities. (I have several.)

12. He made me handmade, pop-up cards. Still have them, of course.

13. He wears his heart for Jesus on his sleeve. When he came to Christ, he fell head over heels in love with his Savior.

14. He has endured my sinfulness, selfishness, insecurities, and immaturity with love and patience.

15. He doesn’t have anything to prove. Ever.

16. He kills all the bugs. That means literally, and figuratively. He does all the dirty work.

17. He does things I’m afraid to do, but gives me courage to do the things I need to do myself.

18. He’s really nice. He is kind to everyone. He knew all the patients at the care facility where his mother lived. By name. Knew their loved ones. Knew the staff. And, he didn’t know them for any politically reason. He has compassion for people, and it shows.

19. He cares about my opinion. Well, 99 times out of 100. Those are pretty good odds.

20. He has become an example to me. He has become someone I can safely ask for counsel. I can trust his advice.

21. He has always protected me. Always looked out for my wellness and safety.

22. Do I list the ways he cared for me, when I had cancer and during that long and complication-filled recovery? Do I list every time he had to nurse my huge wound? Or, every time he had to sit with me in a doctor’s office? Or, how he kept me calm in E.R.s? Do I list the many times he had to inject me with blood thinners? Oy! This guy had nurses in awe of the fine care he gave his wife. He didn’t have to be that guy, but he did it without flinching.

23. He always tries to fit one of my favorite worship songs into his song list, especially when he knows I really need to hear it.

24. He speaks truth with compassion. He says such hard things so well.

25. He has given his daughter an example that guards her from foolish men.

26. He is always growing. Always trying to be more like Christ. I respect him so much as a man of God. It’s really what I love about him most.

Now, there is ONE thing he doesn’t do that I have never liked very much at all: he doesn’t play his saxophone for me at home. Can you imagine that? I mean, of all things! Well, I guess nobody’s perfect.