My Filthy Rags

I had three major confrontations with the Lord in 2001. They began at the women’s Bible study (testimony here) and continued through the summer, when I finally dipped into a pile of articles Doug had given me to read.

Those articles would eventually be life changing, but I didn’t want anything to do with them at first. Oh, I was very happy for him, because he’d finally found a ministry that actually addressed his spiritual need. It was the first time we’d heard anyone use the term sexual addiction, and these men* had testimonies to back up their articles. He felt so much hope, and I was hopeful, too. Maybe, this was the answer we’d been waiting for, and all my suffering would finally be over. 

You see, while I recognized there was a spiritual war going on, I didn’t realize Doug and I each had battles to fight. I thought this war was his war, because it was his fault. If he would just do the right thing, we’d win the war and live happily ever after. Wasn’t I doing my part?  Keep the home fires burning, Caroline! Despite the fact God had been dealing with me all year long, calling me to yield to His will for my life, I just didn’t understand that there was something for me to do. I was sure our problems started with him, and would only end when he stopped living a chronic cycle of Sin-Repent-Repeat. In the meanwhile, I would be the good Christian wife I thought I was and endure this suffering. Isn’t that what longsuffering means?

Wives, God doesn’t call us to endure our husband’s sin. If we’re just holding our own, trying to get better at enduring, we’re wasting our time. That’s as far away from being a help meet as we can get. Yet, I know that’s what most wives think they’re supposed to do: don’t quit on him. Without meaning to, they become his enabler.  

You see there is a difference between godly endurance and human endurance, and too often we confuse them. Godly endurance stands out, because it bears spiritual fruit in both you and him. It doesn’t enable him to stay unchanged and in sin, but instead reminds him that his race isn’t over. We don’t ignore his fall and fail to hold him to account, but urge him to get up (repent) and keep going.  

I’m not sure when I gave in and picked-up an article, but I do remember the words took me by surprise. Like a tsunami. The first article was called, “Why People Remain in Sin and Bondage,” by David Kyle Foster. I remember thinking that maybe this article would help me understand Doug better, but instead it helped me understand myself better. It was an incredible experience. Yes, it was life changing.  I very clearly recall sitting in bed and sensing the presence of Christ beside me. I could see myself next to Him, my head down, looking at the pure white drapes of His robe. It was then I finally saw my filthy rags. I wept, I repented. My eyes were opened. For so long I had seen myself somehow ahead of Doug on this course, but suddenly I realized we were in the same place. I had no advantage over him, because I didn’t struggle with his brand of sin. I was not further ahead, because I had grown-up in Sunday school classes. We were equally wretched sinners, both in need of a Savior. 

Looking back now, I realize that God was preparing me for what was soon to come. If our family was going to survive the onslaught Satan had prepared for us, I was going to have to rise up out of my selfish version of Christianity and become a woman God could actually use. I was going to have to put my flesh in its place, just as much as Doug would—though in very different ways. I was now in the war.

*David Kyle Foster (Pure Passion) and Steve Gallagher (Pure Life Miniseries)

TBT: The Question That Changed My Life

It’s Throwback Thursday, so I am sharing a post from April 4, 2016. It is about a question I was asked at a critical time in my life in April 2001. It literally did change my life. It was the beginning of the end of me.

Click here to read  “Self-Examinations Are Always Graded On A Curve.” 

Honor Thy Mother

I want to share a video with you.

I just watched it again for the first time in seven years. It’s a video of my mother, and I hope you will watch it to the very end.

I don’t really know what inspired me to conduct an interview, but I’m sure it was the Holy Spirit. Even the questions I asked her—I sound like I knew what I was going to say. I didn’t. It was entirely off the cuff, unedited. And, I’m serious about watching to the end. I couldn’t believe the last shot. Only God!

By the way, Mother would have been 88-years-old today. Instead, of blowing out candles, though, she is in a place of incredible joy with the One her soul adores. Oh, I miss Mother daily—she crosses my mind a dozen times, or more. How she would delight in her many great-grandchildren! She would be “at the height of her glory,” as she used to say.

Yet, I would not wish her back from Heaven. Instead, I rejoice for her victory over death, and the fact that we’ll see each other again. I can’t wait to find out all she has been doing. What a life she is living now!

So, without further ado, in honor of my Mother’s birthday, I humbly invite you to watch this video. If you are in any way at all touched by what you see, will you share it? Maybe, someone you know needs to hear what she has to say. (It can be share directly from YouTube.)

Thank you for remembering Stella with me, even if you never knew her.