Cancer Is A Very Big Word

[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]


Second post in this series: FIRST PUBLISHED October 12, 2011

This is the moment I first realized I might have cancer.

yawkey

We were at the intersection, getting ready to turn. We had been looking for an address, not a building.

Cancer is a very big word, but there it was, right there on the side of the building, for everyone to see. Why aren’t they being more discreet?  We turned the corner—there it was, again! Everywhere. CANCER!

Once we were inside the building, I began noticing the people. Scarf-covered heads. Pale and fragile people, walking as though they were measuring every step. A lot of blank expressions, a lot of bowed heads. Did we all have something in common? Was I like them?

The visit was surreal. I felt like I was floating through the whole experience. I really think the Lord just gave me the grace to get through it. My only prayer before leaving our car was that I just not start crying, and I didn’t. In fact, I feel pretty relieved. So does Doug. We have a lot of confidence in the surgeon.

This may sound strange, but I was glad he was horrified by how large the mass is, and was eager to remove it. I will have an extremely long incision,* because the mass extends up so far, but it will be so good to have it gone. It keeps growing, you see, and I feel very much like a pregnant woman in her 10th month. He says surgery will be within two weeks. “As soon as possible.”

As for it being cancerous. I will probably know tomorrow. He took a blood sample for a CA-125 test. Of course, I am hoping this is not cancer, but I know it might be. Ovarian cancer happens. I really don’t want it to happen to me, but if it’s going to happen I can’t imagine a better place to be for treatment.

Cancer is a very big word.  I know God is not intimidated by it at all, so I am just going to trust that He knows what’s best.  I will find peace with God on this, because…well, He’s God. He’s the one in charge. When I said, “I surrender all,” He took me seriously, and I’m so thankful He did!

I know I can trust Him.

“If God asks that you bend, bend and do not complain.
He is making you more flexible, and for this be thankful.”
(Terri Guillemets)
‎”Before me, even as behind, God is, and all is well.”
(John Greenleaf Whittier)

 

*I woke up this morning feeling pain at my incision. It was  a strange
sensation to wake up to on this particular day. Not to worry, though:
a nurse told me I wouldlike feel those little twinges for a very long time.

“Courage, Dearest”

[Today is the five-year mark, since my cancer surgery in 2011. I am going to share a few posts from that year, and one other post. As you may know, the five-year anniversary for any cancer patient is a noteworthy day. So, in my own way I am marking it by living and breathing and testifying of my dear God and heavenly Father, Jehovah, who has shown me great kindness.]

first POST in this series: published October 4, 2011

When I logged on to Xanga today, I had just learned some news that sent Fear rushing through me. Crazy how Fear rises up so suddenly and powerfully. I thought a little blogging would help me cope. Instead, I saw a pulse that PrincessKristi had just posted:

“Courage, Dearest.” – Aslan

It took my breath away.

As suddenly as Fear had asserted itself in my heart, tears filled my eyes and I felt that comforting presence of the Holy Spirit.

Oh, sweet comfort!

It was if the Lord Himself was whispering those words in my ear. It was just what I needed to hear, and it really made all the difference.

Now, at the end of the day, I have some good news. My doctor has given me permission to get off of bed rest*. Yea! The pain in my leg is almost all gone. I won’t go crazy with being up, but it sure was nice to get to help with dinner a bit.

My blood is not “therapeutic,” yet, so I must continue the shots and take more Coumadin. However, Doug has become very adept with the syringes. The medication still burns and stings as it makes its way into my bloodstream, but I don’t feel the needle. That’s a very nice thing!

I dread that when this clot is done and I’m off Coumadin the Big Thing is still to come, but today I learned the name of my surgeon. I looked him up online, and he sounds pretty impressive. His interests include “suspicious pelvic masses.” So, there you go.

“Courage, Dearest.”

I must keep reminding myself.

narnia-3-aslan-111705a

*The cancer had brought on a blood clot in my leg.

Today’s Journal: 9/12/16

Outside my window it is easy to tell that autumn is just around the corner.  I love this time during the year, when we transition from one season to another. I love transitions.

I am thinking about…

  • the week ahead
  • the evening ahead
  • Christmas
  • Weekly Reports to be finished
  • the next newsletter
  • Hannah’s Baby Shower
  • eBay
  • dinner
  • Thursday’s NBFW
  • my sister’s upcoming birthday

I am thankful for a friend who came to do the edging for Doug—such amazing kindness and generosity.

I am reading the latest issue of Christianity Today. Their cover article is on prison aftercare; a friend thought I might like to read it, and loaned me her copy.

I am working on cleaning plastic containers from the Christmas Cookie Campaigns of years past. There were five boxes in my shed, and I didn’t realize how many were still dirty.

I tell ya, every cookie crumb reminds me of those happy events, and all the dear folks who baked cookies. So many people made it possible for us to collect 6,000 home-baked cookies. Oh! Can you imagine? It was so awesome!

I am hoping the Lord “opens the door at little wider” for Tim and Hannah to make a move before Baby arrives.

I am praying for the Fellowship Night coming up next month. And, adding prayer to my above hope!

I am meditating on forgiveness and unforgiveness.


Postscript
Picked a bunch of zinnias this week. Such happy flowers!

zinnia-basket

Also, created a new header for the blog. Did you notice it?

cropped-peony-header1.jpg

 

Finally, for those who don’t know what I mean by cookie containers and the Cookie Campaign, here are some pictures.

Today’s Journal: August 21, 2016

Outside my window it is a beautiful day! Not too hot, not too humid.  Bright blue sky.

I am thinking about a lot of different things right now, but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what life would be like if I got rid of 50% of our belongings. I am trying to imagine if we would miss any of it. Watching the images from California and the homes that have been completely destroyed by fire, then watching the news from Louisiana and seeing these homes completely destroyed by water, I just cannot help wonder what I would do, what I would grab for, as I made my escape. In California, I was always prepared for an earthquake, so the most precious things in life were ready to grab. However, I’ve added many years to my life, and there are more precious things I think I would miss. Yet, I cannot help but wonder: would I really miss them?

I am thankful for God’s divine protection. I had an accident in the garden yesterday. I was pruning my cucumber, when a bee came really close to my head. I reflexively lifted my arm to flick it away—pruners still in hand. Bad idea! Never have I experienced myself being covered with blood. Doug was pretty freaked out. Thank God the blades did not go through my cheek, or hit my eye. Didn’t cut off my ear, either. I thank God I only needed three stitches.

I am also thankful for Jehovah-Jireh, The Lord Who Provides. I learned as a child that God is my Provider, and He has proven himself to be ever-faithful. I’m so grateful for Him! 

I am reading The Book of Revelation.

I am working on a few things—always many irons in the fire. One specific task is organizing the shed for Fall and Winter. I can do that now, because the Lord provided a set of very needed shelves (a neighbor’s cast-off). Thank You, Lord!

I am hoping to organize my attic this summer. My sister needs some things of Mother’s, and that will hopefully help motivate me. I also want to unpack Hannah’s crib, and see if it is usable for Baby Dieterle.

I am praying for the victims of these fires and floods. So heartbreaking to see their homes.

I am meditating on Psalm 84. This was Doug’s sermon passage today. So much good stuff in there.


P.S.

We didn’t take any pictures of my bloody clothes and face, but I have to show you my bloody shoe and my stitches. Hannah said my shoe was grusome. For some reason, I thought that was kind of cool. I did try to get the blood off, but it wouldn’t get. Doug assured me it would eventually turn brown and look like dirt.

ME: Well, yeah, but what if I’m accused of murder and they find this shoe covered in blood?
HIM: And, shine an ultra-violet light on it?
ME: Right. What will I do then?
HIM: That is definitely going to happen.

He didn’t seem very concerned. 😀

2016-08-20 21.09.43

2016-08-20 21.54.17 BW

A Prophetic Tree in Cottonwood

In April, 2015, we were in Arizona for my Mother-in-Law’s memorial. The day we headed out for the drive home, we made an unplanned stop at Uncle R’s house. He and our Aunt have a beautiful garden, and we asked for a tour. On one end of his yard stood a glorious tree, and he excitedly began to tell us about this tree. There was a weightiness to what he was saying, and I felt like I needed to really pay attention.

I’m glad I did.

Uncle R said a lot about that tree, but what stood out was what he had to say about a particular branch. The branch was full of fruit, full of life, but he said, “This branch will have to be cut off.” Doug and I were horrified. Cut off all that life? All that fruit? Why would anyone do that? 

He explained the science of it, but I don’t remember all of that. I just remember him looking at us and saying,

“If we don’t cut off the branch, the whole tree will die.” Then he added, almost as an after thought: “That’s prophetic.”

As we drove away from Cottonwood, I asked Doug what he thought Uncle R meant. Doug admitted he hadn’t really taken it to mean anything. I was surprised. To me, it felt like lasers were coming out of his eyes and piercing my soul! I kept thinking about what he said all the way home, but ultimately I filed it away under “In God’s Hands.”  If this was a word from the Lord for us, He would make it clear at the right time.

INTO THE FIRE

After a few days on the road, we arrived back home to a season of intense opposition at the jail. By July, we thought a victory had been won on that field, but in September there was a very serious turn of events that eventually led to the most unexpected event. After 12 years of full-time volunteer service, sometimes giving more than 40 hours a week, Doug was unceremoniously relieved of his position as the Protestant Chaplain at the Essex County Correctional Facility and the Lawrence Correctional Alternative Center. The circumstances that led to his dismissal were completely unjust, and blatantly personal.

I don’t think I have ever spoken about this event publicly,  and I do not plan to say much now, but I do want to make it clear that there were never legitimate grounds for what happened. While it was within the rights of the administration to make any changes to programming that they liked, barring Doug from ever serving in the jail as a volunteer—or even visiting inmates as a private citizen—is still one of the most outrageous things I’ve ever seen.  Doug’s record at the facility was pristine. He didn’t break rules, or defy authority. He always conducted himself with humility, treating everyone with respect.

And, that is not a wife’s rose-colored-glasses point of view. It’s just the facts. Other volunteers who actually did break rules quite willfully continue to be allowed on the property. My good husband? Nope. He was not even allowed to return to his office to pack-up his belongings.  In February, when he attempted to visit an inmate as a private citizen—a tax-paying resident of Essex County—he was refused. Can you imagine?

But, I filed that away in the same file, “In God’s Hands.” We will suffer injustice in this life, but He is the final judge.  And, the really great thing about God is that He knows just how to use what the Enemy intended for evil for our good and His glory. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. Doug would never compare this injustice with the kind of injustice we see around us every day—men being held for months without trial,  dragged into a courthouse in shackles just to learn their attorney didn’t bother to show up. That’s injustice.

OCTOBER

By the time Doug finally received the call from the administrator who “fired” him, we knew what was coming. He received the news in princely fashion, even thanking the man who was slitting his throat. I sat beside my husband in awe. Nothing about it was easy, but he remained respectful and gracious, as humble as ever.

Yes, I am his biggest fan. It’s true. Maybe, I do wear rose-colored glasses, sometimes. When I watched him change Hannah’s diaper for the first time in the hospital, I did think he was part super-hero, to be sure. Yet, I know he is still human, and I knew this was painful. The ministry in the jail meant a great deal to him personally, and this change came like an earthquake. It was a sudden shaking of everything in our life.  I also knew, however, that he was battle-weary. The Enemy had been coming against him with deadly force for a long time—longer than even I knew. So, as hard as this news was to receive, there was also a sense of relief. At the time, we described the feeling as though the General had called him back from the front lines; he’d won a leave of absence.

You know, when we give our life to the Lord and yield control to Him, we are going to find ourselves in situations like this. The opposition Doug faced, the injustice he’s endured, was not God’s will. Yet, because Doug was IN God’s will, the Lord used what the Enemy intended for evil to work His perfect in Doug’s life.  The battle at the jail continues. It will always go on, so long as there are men and women willing to fight. For Doug, that fight is over.

PROPHECY FULFILLED

I had not thought about that tree in our Uncle’s yard since the drive home, but in January the Holy Spirit pulled it out my files and dropped it in front of me. “Remember this?”

“If we don’t cut off the branch, the whole tree will die.”

In a flash—in an instant—I knew. The Holy Spirit suddenly gave me understanding. I turned to Doug and I told him. I seem to recall that he thought it was interesting, but it didn’t really faze him. Why would it? The Holy Spirit had not spoken the prophecy to him. I did not realize that until today.

I tell ya, the Lord blows my mind. I have been working on this post in my head for many days, and I’ve been putting thoughts into words since yesterday. I thought I knew what I was writing. I thought I knew what the Lord wanted me to say. Silly Caroline.

I never knew until just a few minutes ago why that prophecy was for me. I know now. It makes complete sense! It’s funny how the Lord works.

So, would you like to know the interpretation of that prophecy from the tree in Cottonwood?

I need to first tell you that when I heard Uncle’s words, I felt that it was related to Doug’s ministry.  I didn’t understand what it meant, but it made me feel kind of afraid. When Doug said he sensed nothing, I took some comfort. However, as I have already shared, I could not ignore the sense I had in my spirit that the Lord was speaking to us.

When the Lord brought that word back to my memory, eight months later, He also gave me immediate understanding.  This is what it meant:

If the Lord had not allowed Doug to be cut off from the prison ministry, it would have cost the health and life of the entire ministry—all of New Brothers Fellowship, every ministry associated with it.

That Satan wants to hinder NBF is not news. He’s risen up against this ministry over and over and over. I won’t begin to speculate on how Doug’s remaining at the jail would have destroyed the whole ministry, but it isn’t hard to see how that could have happened. Various scenarios speed through my head. In order for Doug to have kept his position, he would have had to make a very serious compromise. That alone would have cost him tremendously.

So, why me? Why did the Lord speak that message to me, and not to Doug? Well, that became evident this afternoon. Today, yet again, the facility found a new way to try to attack my husband and hinder the ministry. When Doug called to tell me what had happened, I was really shocked. I could tell Doug was actually annoyed himself—it takes a lot to get under Doug’s skin. After all, it is one thing to suffer the slings and arrows yourself; quite a different thing when someone else is hurt in your name. It was a great injustice towards an inmate, just because of someone’s grudge against Doug.

Right before he called, I had just found my way to my little writing desk to finish this post. Even while we were still on the phone, though, I was plotting my attack. Which newspaper do I contact?  Who do we know with some influence?  A letter was half-way done in my head.  We couldn’t let this pass without some response.

Well, I can assure it did not take long for the Holy Spirit to right my wrong spirit. I realized quickly the error in my thinking. What incredible (divine?) timing that this offense should happen today, just as I am writing about this prophetic word.

That branch had to be cut-off. Let it go.

I hate what happened today, but I don’t want to fight a battle that isn’t ours to fight. People there may still have a fight with Doug, for reasons that truly are beyond me, but we must not respond. Doug’s enemies did not cut off that branch, you see? That is certainly what the Enemy had in mind. He wanted to tear down the whole tree. Satan hacks away, causing death and destruction. The Master Gardner prunes with a skillful hand that does not cause damage, but brings new life. We have seen that in the ministry these past ten months. So much new life! And, who knows? A similar branch may grow again, but when it does it will not take from the health of the tree.

Today’s Journal: 7/14/16

Outside my window it has been a classic, New England summer’s day. Not very fond of humidity, but it’s the price we pay for a long, winter’s nap.

I am thinking about spiritual growth and how God proves His love. (Hebrews 12:6-11) 

I am thankful for a visit with some of the Thursday night ladies.  It was really nice to sit together, again.

I am reading Biography of George Peabody by Phebe A. Hanaford, published in 1882. Want to more about the man who bequeathed a library to our town.

I am working on assorted projects. Nothing too exciting.

I am hoping to get a postage scale for free. Figured I’ll hope until I’m forced to buy one. You never know.

I am praying for children. Parents have the privilege of modeling the love relationship between Christ and the Body.  Or, they can provoke their children to wrath.

I am meditating on Ephesians 6:4.


P.S.

On very hot days, you gotta think SNOW! Here are some “chilling” pictures of winter’s past, to help you cool off! Click to enlarge.

 

Today’s Journal: 7/10/16

Today, outside my window…it’s grey, drizzling. I love days like this.  Today, I am thinking…about the dry spots in the flower bed. It rained so much last night, yet there are places in the bed that are as dry as the desert. Where it is dry, the roots are shallow. This makes it easy to weed, but also easy to pull up something that might be fruitful. Where the ground holds the water, there is so much more life.  Today, I am thankful for…for a daughter and son-in-law who make their way over on Sundays and snuggle on the couch and wash their clothes and help make supper. I’m thankful for the easiness of their company. I’m living the dream. Today, I am reading…nothing. Several books await me.  Today, I am working onweeding the flower bed and feeding the family. Lots of duties I need to attend to, but I think I’ll be happy to just sort a few piles of collected papers and put away the clean towels. The easiness of this day should not be taken for granted. Easy days are a gift; pure luxury. Today, I am hoping…to make the most of the next three weeks. Our days with Maddie are very sweet, and driving into the city every day is kind of wonderful. I am also hoping that tomorrow will be the day we can finally force Doug to take his saxophone into the city. He’s been playing with the idea of busking, and Maddie and I think the Public Garden or the Commons would be a perfect spot.  Today, I am praying for…for our sad, hurting nation.  Today, I am meditating on….how some Christians are like that soil in my flower bed. No matter how much they get watered, they seem so dry, so unfruitful. Nothing takes root. The great truths the Spirit of God has planted in their hearts are easily pulled out by the schemes of the Enemy. It’s not good. Also, meditating on Romans 5.

P.S.

 When we get into the city early, we visit the Public Garden or the Commons. This week, we found this beautiful. She came really close to us. Then, we spotted a feather in the middle of the pond. I wanted it very much, and willed it to us. Maddie and Doug were laughing at me, but it came right to me, and she has a nice souvenir now.

Monday’s Menu: Spanish Pork Chops

I clipped this recipe a million years ago!

I think it was my first year of marriage. Made it regularly, but then it fell out of rotation for about 20 years. I have been reviving our old favorites lately, so I pulled this one out. It was great! Definitely, keeping it on the menu.


A Picture of Contentment

The other day, I turned around from my kitchen sink, and saw this:

2016-04-13 15.53.12

It was just one of those moments, and I thought how good the Lord was, to bless me so much.

It is easy to feel those blessings on a sunny day, isn’t it? When your kitchen is tidy, and you have fresh flowers on your table?

But, life can change in a moment. One day, it may not be as peaceful as we know it to be now. The comforts and pleasures we take for granted, like a table cloth or fresh blueberries, may be not be so easy to come by and enjoy.

I don’t want to take these luxuries for granted.

If you have not read Corrie ten Boom’s book, “The Hiding Place,” I encourage you to read it. The movie is very good, too, but the book shares details the movie cannot. Those details tell a bigger story. She was about my age, when Word War II broke out in Europe. She and her family lived a very happy and comfortable life, but in a moment, everything changed. She was spiritualy prepared, though, for the troubles that came upon her, because she had been watching the signs, reading God’s Word, and praying. Her devotional life was essential to her.

Doug and I speak a lot of wanting to be spiritually prepared for the day in which we live. We are far from where we should be, but He keeps calling us to Himself. I think He is calling us all. We need to be watching, reading, and praying. It needs to be an essential part of our life. Everything can change in a moment, but if we are spiritually prepared, we will endure.

I want to be ready.