“I only saw this now. I’m so sorry.” His voice doesn’t sound normal. She starts to reply to the message, as he calls out to her from the other room. “T was found unresponsive in his apartment!” Emotion is filling his voice.
Her first thought, the first words that come out of her mouth: “Is he okay? Where is he?” She is running down a mental checklist of what they will need to take with them to the hospital, but suddenly realizes what unresponsive means. Now, her mind is flooded. Thoughts race into her consciousness. The computer crashes. T is dead?
Reboot and reload and thoughts and images and words and sounds and so many memories fill up the screen. Tears explode. Questions. So many questions. Who wrote you? Who’s that? How do they know? What time did it happen? Do the girls know? Who are your writing? How could this happen?
“I should write J.”
Just then, J calls. Wanted to make sure they knew. too. He’s weeping. They’re all weeping. She begins to realize how many people are hurting right now—how many people his life touched. How could this happen?
The weight of grief falls so instantly. Grasping the size of this loss is impossible. There was no preparation for this, no opportunity to prepare for how bad it would feel. How could this happen?
God is on everyone’s mind. His sovereignty. His mercy. His kindness. God knows the worth of a life, the impact. The thoughts just keep coming. His first time at The Farm. The light in his eyes each time he mentions his girls. The tears that flow when he tells of God’s goodness. Or, when he mourns those who are still lost in their brokenness and sin. How could this happen?
Emails and text messages, carefully worded, fly away to the ones who will want to know. Their hearts are not prepared to be broken, and words cannot relieve the pain they are about to feel. All week long it’s, “Did you tell…? What about…? Does…know?”
Tears stop and start suddenly. Sleepless nights roll into one long state of unbelief. His best friend. How could this happen?
We were locked out of our car, waiting in the parking lot of Market Basket for the AAA dude. Took this picture to help pass the time. Or, maybe I wanted to mark the time.
We were on our way to my sister’s house, the Historian. It was a very impromptu family gathering. People changed plans and food was thrown together – hence, Market Basket.
One of the things I’d purchased at Market Basket was an apple pie. The Historian had been very sick the past two weeks, not eating much. I knew she would reject apple pie, if I offered it to her. So, I almost didn’t buy it.
Yet, something in me said, “Get it, anyway.”
So much time was passing, I almost thought we should just skip going. I had work to do. She was going to get to see the littles, and that was really what the day was about, I thought.
AAA dude showed up. Cracked our window, but we got the keys and headed to Maine.
That was the last time I would see my sister alive. I look at this picture and the silly spontaneity in it is gone for me. Now, it’s just the last picture of me on the last day I got to see her alive.
I’m so thankful for that day. So thankful everyone came together. God was so kind to us. The last thing my sisters and I did together was pray. I still don’t like God’s answer, but Psalm 116:15 is a good verse to keep in my heart:
His loved ones are very precious to Him, and He does not lightly let them die. Psalm 116:15
While it is still hard to believe she is gone, it was six months ago this week. Time passes.
As I sat with my sister that afternoon, she said she had a taste for something. “What can I bring you? I’ll bring you anything you like.” “You know, I wish we had some apple pie. That’s what I’d like. A little piece of apple pie.”
TobyMac is a Christian musician. Our family has enjoyed his music for many, many years. He was the founder of the group D.C Talk, which was a groundbreaking Christian group in the 1990’s. His impact on contemporary Christian music can’t be overstated. His impact on the industry must be respected. He influenced many musical artists.
One artist he influenced was his first born son, Truett, whom he would have rap little bits in his songs over the years. We all got to hear Truett grow-up on his father’s albums, and eventually he began to make music of his own. Eventually, he moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in secular music.
Things weren’t going very well for Truett personally, though. In 2018, TobyMac released a song dedicated to Truett called “Scars.” The song was inspired by the changes he was witnessing in his son, and in their relationship. He tried to accept that these trials were just a part of the growth process.
“He moved to L.A. and he’s making music and he’s doing his thing,” TobyMac told The Tennessean last October of the song’s inspiration “But to watch him go through that, and watch him get bruised, it’s not easy. So that’s one of the ways life has changed. In that song, I just want him to know he’s not alone.”^
The lyrics to “Scars” are painful to read. They speak of a son who is falling deeper and deeper into the world, while his father tries desperately to reason away his son’s choices and somehow stay connected to him. You can read the lyrics here: SCARS.
Just over a year after he released “Scars,” and just after Truett’s music seemed to find an audience, tragedy struck. A few months ago, Truett, who was 21, was found dead in his parents’ home. It isn’t yet known how he died*, though it has been reported as cardiac arrest. The autopsy was completed a few days ago, but toxicology test results will take more time.*^.
This week, TobyMac released a new song that speaks to this heartbreaking loss and his life-changing grief.
“Writing this song felt like an honest confession of the questions, pain, anger, doubt, mercy and promise that describes the journey I’m probably only beginning. One thing I know is that I am not alone. God didn’t promise us a life of no pain or even tragic death, but He did promise He would never leave us or forsake us. And I’m holding dearly to that promise for my son as well as myself.”^
This poor family. My heart aches for them.
I think TobyMac, his wife, and their family would appreciate you saying a prayer for them. They are wearing heavy, heavy boots right now. ❤
“21 Years” by TobyMac
Woke up cuz the light poured in Day 2 let the flood begin Day 1 left me in my bed I can barely remember it Heart shattered in a thousand ways They tell me pain gonna come in waves They tell me I’m gonna be okay I’m still waiting for the first to breakWhy would You give and then take him away Suddenly end could You not let it fade What I would give for a couple of days A couple of days
Is it just across the Jordan Or a city in the stars Are you singing with the angels Are you happy where you are Well until this show is over And you run into my arms God has you in heaven But I have you in my heart
I just can’t make sense of this Everything is so dissonant Somebody said he was meant for this But I’m just straight missing him I wanna wake up to your laugh at 2 Catch you when you steal my shoes Say good morning, afternoon Talk you through those “Alex blues” Listen to your latest beats Talk about what the lyrics mean Venmo you another loan See you do your second show
You said you’d turn, you would turn it around Thought that you had time to straighten it out Told me that you were my prodigal son But this isn’t home
Is it just across the Jordan Or a city in the stars Are you singing with the angels Are you happy where you are Well until this show is over And you run into my arms God has you in heaven But I have you in my heart
I have you in my heart
Did he see You from a long way off Running to him with a Father’s heart Did You wrap him up inside Your arms And let him know, that he’s home
Did he see You from a long way off Running to him with a Father’s heart Did You wrap him up inside Your arms And let him know, that he’s home
Is it just across the Jordan Or a city in the stars Are you singing with the angels Are you happy where you are Well until this show is over And you run into my arms God has you in heaven
21 years makes a man full-grown 21 years, what a beautiful loan 21 years, I love everyone Thank you, Lord, for my beautiful son
Sadness was a frequent guest last year. When the new year brought new loss, he set-up camp. I did not invite him, but he does not leave.
Most of the time, I find his company bearable. He is not usually oppressive. Present, but only passively imposing himself. Most days, I hold my focus on Happiness, and Sadness lurks in the shadows. I can almost convince myself he isn’t even there.
Then I turn a corner just a moment too soon, and come face-to-face with my old enemy. A painful confrontation. I am suddenly reminded of all that is lost, and Happiness is unseated.
Happiness is always fleeting.
Ah, but I have learned not to depend on Happiness. She is my fickle friend. Hope is my true and steady friend; always near. I take her hand and face Sadness down.
A post about grieving, originally published 2/22/13. Life has been different lately. Seven-and-a-half weeks ago, my mother passed away. Really hard to even say that,…
This was originally published on 6 February 2013, on my previous blog website. It’s never been one my favorite expressions. Always seemed kind of selfish.…
Hello, Friends! Tomorrow Vice-President Joe Biden will become the 46th President of the United States. As I meditate on that today, my first thought is a question: How shall I pray for him? This is my short list. 10 Things to Pray for Joe First and foremost, I pray Joe has an eternity-changing encounter with…
Someone shared a dumb meme on Instagram that read, “God takes the harder route on purpose, to show us He’s so powerful.” Give me a break! We are not dolls in God’s toy house. He doesn’t use us like some benevolent giant, creating horrific challenges for us to face just so He can be our…
We keep hearing how President Trump failed in his handling of this evil virus, and it’s making me weary. For starters, the people who judge him the most harshly are the people who most harshly judged his mitigation efforts last Winter. Why aren’t they judging themselves, and their own failure to act? And, why does…
Blog
Welcome to a world of limitless possibilities, where the journey is as exhilarating as the destination, and where every moment is an opportunity to make your mark on the canvas of existence. The only limit is the extent of your imagination.
Hello, Friends! Tomorrow Vice-President Joe Biden will become the 46th President of the United States. As I meditate on that today, my first thought is a question: How shall I pray for him? This is my short list. 10 Things to Pray for Joe First and foremost, I pray Joe has an eternity-changing encounter with…
Someone shared a dumb meme on Instagram that read, “God takes the harder route on purpose, to show us He’s so powerful.” Give me a break! We are not dolls in God’s toy house. He doesn’t use us like some benevolent giant, creating horrific challenges for us to face just so He can be our…
We keep hearing how President Trump failed in his handling of this evil virus, and it’s making me weary. For starters, the people who judge him the most harshly are the people who most harshly judged his mitigation efforts last Winter. Why aren’t they judging themselves, and their own failure to act? And, why does…
I had three major confrontations with the Lord in 2001. They began at the women’s Bible study (testimony here) and continued through the summer, when I finally dipped into a pile of articles Doug had given me to read. Those articles would eventually be life changing, but I didn’t want anything to do with them at…
I originally wrote this in 2012. This month was the 25th anniversary of this horrific event, and it seemed appropriate to share it again. I’d been looking forward to seeing it. I knew it would be a excellent film. I knew the acting was going to be incredible. I knew it would be informative. I…
About 20 years ago, Doug and I were in the battle of our lives. We didn’t know it, but we were at a turning point. How we came through this was going to redefine the rest of our lives. And, though we were battling for the same cause, we were fighting on different fronts. He had…
This is fiction, inspired by my Father and based on both his and my Mother’s accounts of his decision to answer the call to ministry, instead going to law school. He buried his hands into the decomposing leaves and tried to raise himself up. How long had he been there? His knees were sunken into the…
“So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” Romans 1017, NKJV So, how do we guard our faith? I think these are three tried and true ways to do it. Remember, it’s God’s will we guard our faith, so He will help us in the process. As we seek Him, He will…
Blog
Welcome to a world of limitless possibilities, where the journey is as exhilarating as the destination, and where every moment is an opportunity to make your mark on the canvas of existence. The only limit is the extent of your imagination.
Hello, Friends! Tomorrow Vice-President Joe Biden will become the 46th President of the United States. As I meditate on that today, my first thought is a question: How shall I pray for him? This is my short list. 10 Things to Pray for Joe First and foremost, I pray Joe has an eternity-changing encounter with…
Someone shared a dumb meme on Instagram that read, “God takes the harder route on purpose, to show us He’s so powerful.” Give me a break! We are not dolls in God’s toy house. He doesn’t use us like some benevolent giant, creating horrific challenges for us to face just so He can be our…
We keep hearing how President Trump failed in his handling of this evil virus, and it’s making me weary. For starters, the people who judge him the most harshly are the people who most harshly judged his mitigation efforts last Winter. Why aren’t they judging themselves, and their own failure to act? And, why does…
Blog
Welcome to a world of limitless possibilities, where the journey is as exhilarating as the destination, and where every moment is an opportunity to make your mark on the canvas of existence. The only limit is the extent of your imagination.
Hello, Friends! Tomorrow Vice-President Joe Biden will become the 46th President of the United States. As I meditate on that today, my first thought is a question: How shall I pray for him? This is my short list. 10 Things to Pray for Joe First and foremost, I pray Joe has an eternity-changing encounter with…
Someone shared a dumb meme on Instagram that read, “God takes the harder route on purpose, to show us He’s so powerful.” Give me a break! We are not dolls in God’s toy house. He doesn’t use us like some benevolent giant, creating horrific challenges for us to face just so He can be our…
We keep hearing how President Trump failed in his handling of this evil virus, and it’s making me weary. For starters, the people who judge him the most harshly are the people who most harshly judged his mitigation efforts last Winter. Why aren’t they judging themselves, and their own failure to act? And, why does…
Blog
Welcome to a world of limitless possibilities, where the journey is as exhilarating as the destination, and where every moment is an opportunity to make your mark on the canvas of existence. The only limit is the extent of your imagination.
It hit the morning after the memorial, and I began to dwell on it. Meditate on it. The What Ifs and If Onlys descended upon me like a crushing weight. Nights became days, because I could not sleep. My head would hit the pillow and my mind would become instantly flooded with unwelcome thoughts that came to…
My husband, aka The Saxophone Player and the Director of New Brothers Fellowship, wrote a short and very good piece on the NBF Blog yesterday. I wanted to share it with you. Betrayal by Doug Gregan There is something incomprehensible to me, as I witness established Christians, with years of faith and knowledge of the…
• Today is Blog #16 for Blog-tober, my month to blog every day. Still working on catching up. (It should be Blog #20.) It has been a very interesting experience. • Doug said the French Toast Casserole was a win. No pictures, but also no leftovers. That’s a good sign. • I made a 7-blade…
Once a month, we have a leadership meeting for the ministry volunteers. Serving breakfast is the least we can do for these awesome folks. And, you know, if you’re going to ask someone to give up part of their Saturday to sit in a church basement, you should offer them a little more than a…
A couple days ago I posted about Maria Montessori-inspired games I had made for my granddaughter. Michel Fauquet, one of my dear, blogging friends, shared a quote of her’s with me: “The action comes ahead of the thought, and the thought comes from the action.” Maria Montessori (1870-1952) I really liked that quote, because it seemed…
Every hero of the faith has had to make an ultimate choice to trust God with everything. They had to be willing to risk it all—their dreams, their fortune, their health, their reputation, their very life. Consider the choices these heroes of the faith had to make: I could go on and on! Thank God…
I had three major confrontations with the Lord in 2001. They began at the women’s Bible study (testimony here) and continued through the summer, when I finally dipped into a pile of articles Doug had given me to read. Those articles would eventually be life changing, but I didn’t want anything to do with them at…
I originally wrote this in 2012. This month was the 25th anniversary of this horrific event, and it seemed appropriate to share it again. I’d been looking forward to seeing it. I knew it would be a excellent film. I knew the acting was going to be incredible. I knew it would be informative. I…
About 20 years ago, Doug and I were in the battle of our lives. We didn’t know it, but we were at a turning point. How we came through this was going to redefine the rest of our lives. And, though we were battling for the same cause, we were fighting on different fronts. He had…
This is fiction, inspired by my Father and based on both his and my Mother’s accounts of his decision to answer the call to ministry, instead going to law school. He buried his hands into the decomposing leaves and tried to raise himself up. How long had he been there? His knees were sunken into the…
“So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” Romans 1017, NKJV So, how do we guard our faith? I think these are three tried and true ways to do it. Remember, it’s God’s will we guard our faith, so He will help us in the process. As we seek Him, He will…
I had three major confrontations with the Lord in 2001. They began at the women’s Bible study (testimony here) and continued through the summer, when I finally dipped into a pile of articles Doug had given me to read. Those articles would eventually be life changing, but I didn’t want anything to do with them at…
I originally wrote this in 2012. This month was the 25th anniversary of this horrific event, and it seemed appropriate to share it again. I’d been looking forward to seeing it. I knew it would be a excellent film. I knew the acting was going to be incredible. I knew it would be informative. I…
About 20 years ago, Doug and I were in the battle of our lives. We didn’t know it, but we were at a turning point. How we came through this was going to redefine the rest of our lives. And, though we were battling for the same cause, we were fighting on different fronts. He had…
This is fiction, inspired by my Father and based on both his and my Mother’s accounts of his decision to answer the call to ministry, instead going to law school. He buried his hands into the decomposing leaves and tried to raise himself up. How long had he been there? His knees were sunken into the…
“So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” Romans 1017, NKJV So, how do we guard our faith? I think these are three tried and true ways to do it. Remember, it’s God’s will we guard our faith, so He will help us in the process. As we seek Him, He will…
The Saxophone Player's Wife 